Caffeine hums a needy, flashing yellow song
somewhere between my brain and my fingertips.
It catches, skips beat, trips over lanes
of blue traffic that try to constrict me,
as words rush in heavy, florid torrents,
onwards, to a destiny unbeknownst.
That twitching yellow song which ebbs,
then flows on endlessly to
some stuttering beat that shudders,
swirls through my minds as fogs lift.
A mood for visionary imaginings,
like all others, with that yellow tint.
That yellow noise which haunts my best moments,
spurs them on, causing my hands to shake and beat
against vacuous walls and vacuous minds,
to do anything but be held by this resounding,
halcyon air which clings and pulls others drowsily
into somnambulistic states of fabricated ease, mock rest.
Perhaps, I’ll sprawl my name into history,
in blocky type, or splotchy paint.
Or yellow noise.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hello! Here I am at last with your review!
But things can be complex and amazing too.
This was a very interesting poem: rich in imagery, and lots of colorful diction.
I think you have something good going here, but I think you need to direct it, maybe just snip a few rough edges off here and there and smooth it down.
Basically your poem with all it's lovely descriptive words boils down to this (as I interpret it):
Caffeine gives me yellow energy.
I feel its effects strongest from my brain to my finger tips.
It's pretty crazy, this energy,
and avoids the sadness/tiredness that makes me slow,
as I just spit out the words in red waves.
these words are just writing themselves, ending: unplanned.
(I think a stanza break would be great here btw)
The caffeine lessens
then flows forever (I'm not sure this line made sense to me given "ebbs" the line before)
to this labored beat
that swirls through my mind as my sleepiness lifts.
This is the perfect frame of mind for creativity,
like all other times when I have caffeine.
I basically drink coffee or whatever all the time to get my ball rolling. (and that's the meaning of the next couple lines)
And then you have a really nice ending three lines that need no translation.
I think in a few lines you just get a bit wordy, but I mean, being anymore simple isn't gonna help you much I think. I just don't think the topic is /the best/ because honestly, everyone writes about how they feel while their writing, and... I dunno, it gets a bit old after a while.
But I couldn't just read this and understand it, I actually had to piece it together.
I might cut it down a bit to keep the truly creative parts (like how caffeine is yellow, and those last three lines) standing out and getting the attention they deserve.
Maybe I just thought it was a bit wordy because of all the big long words. I seriously have no idea what "somnambulistic" means, and I don't think the average reader does either. The other words are pretty understandable, but the quantity of them is a little too much. Simplicity is a good thing, honey.
I hope that made sense!
Keep writing, Great Job!
~fortis
A great poem that's equal parts imaginative and fun. I like it. As for critique, the only thing I really have to say, I really say for pretty much any poetry I review. You're quite skilled at this, and should make an attempt to set yourself apart from the rest of the poets here by trying your hand at a bit of a rhyme scheme and some more significant structure. It seems that you're skilled at pretty much everything else (such as rhythm and imagery, which I really enjoy), so the next logical step in progression would be to take a leap up to the next level. Keep up the good work anyway, and fare thee well!
-Scoeri
Hey it's Neverland here!!!
Okay I'd just like to start off by saying I really like the title and poem!!! I liked the way you took such a simple concept and made a beautiful piece of writing with it! I really enjoyed reading this, it made me think about the things that people do/watch/listen on a daliy basis, the way they can change that thing thats so common into something beautiful.
^^^That sounds weird. <.< >.>
Anyway I hope this helped, even though I didnt find anything really particually wrong with this piece so yeah!
Good job with this, keep writing!!!
~Neverland.