I found my heart today,
unsurprised by its presence at the lake
where it was masquerading as a goldfinch,
falling into motion with
all those other little songbirds.
I laughed to see it play,
joyously dancing like the rest
with kamikaze dives from distant limbs, then
fanning out the safety of those
bristling feathered wings
just before meeting the ground.
Caught and buoyed upwards,
they flit along with the breeze in
erratic swoops and falls,
looking almost just like leaves,
dried and blown away.
For a moment, I get to thinking that
she should be in my chest,
where other hearts tend to reside,
but shiver to imagine her,
battering that delicate body,
her gold flashing out of fear.
So I let her be, rising from my perch.
With each step forward, I gaze back,
my eyes traversing the path I've taken.
Constantly I am in search, always for
one last glimpse of that little
goldfinch heart freed
and happy at last.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Flame here, as promised!
I'll confess, I enjoyed this more than the previous. The metaphors were stunning, your word choice gorgeous. This is the exact kind of poetry I treasure. The lines were broken in the right places; everything was as and where it should be. Please forgive the brief review! Barely any nitpicks, and it feels such a crime to locate mistakes in this dazzling piece...
A comma should be inserted between "limbs" and "then."
This stuck out a bit because of its length. I'd recommend cutting it down.
Subject-verb agreement. "Falls" should be "fall."
Keep up the good work! Looking forward to hearing more from you!
Yay, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for the review, again, great improvements. I will let you know, though, about that last one. Falls was meant to be a noun, not a verb
. Do you think that there's any way I could make that more clear?
Oh! Sorry, no, it's perfect. I didn't catch it the first time, so I don't know why I imagined it the second
. Perfectly clear, just me being foolish. No problem!
Oh okay, that's awesome! Thanks again.
Wow, I really love this! Usually I start out a review thinking I can look for what needs improving, but sometimes the content is so good I get drawn in and forget to look. That's what happened here. The entire time reading I saw images of a bird flash through my mind. It was very beautiful.
The only thing I noticed is how you refer to your heart. You start out calling your heart an "it," then graduate to refer to it with the other birds as "they." Then you move on to "she." This does create some confusion. I'd suggest deciding what you want to use most and sticking with it. Other than that, beautiful job!
Thanks, I'm glad you liked it!
I did not realize I did that, I will definitely keep that in mind when I edit, thanks.
Wow. This is just absolutely gorgeous. I salute you, friend.
Thanks so much!
You're welcome! Thank you for sharing it; it really spoke to me in a way that not a lot of things I see on the internet do.
Well, I'm really glad that it did. Hearing that kind of compliment is the best thing any writer can wish to hear