I am here, in this moment,
the very definition of all hell frozen over
as the tension of my body perches restlessly
with fingers fumbling over the fabric of the chair,
a hard chair, in a place I don't know.
Somewhere, beneath that icy cool countenance
behind the glacial visage,
I smolder and smoke
like my heart has been cauterized,
and left to ignite the ever toxic foreboding
I feel my body blazing, threatening
to spill out, burn through my fingers to the page
branding it with that harshness
threatening to reduce each to ash.
For now, I hold that frozen façade in place
at the price of trembling hands
quavering breaths
a briny taste, sulfurous and sickly,
pervading and threatening to reveal
unleash that personal hell.
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140,213 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Hey Weather here to review!
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I really liked the imagery you're working with here and the coherent vocabulary used throughout. I also liked how each line got you hooked and enticed the reader to continue reading on.
I have a few suggestions to make that may help improve your poem further.
"I am here, in this moment,
the very definition of all hell frozen over
as the tension of my body perches restlessly
with fingers fumbling over the fabric of the chair,
a hard chair, in a place I don't know."
This was a good opening but I have an issue with some comma misplacement's here which interrupt the flow slightly. I would remove the comma after the word, "here" in the first line, without it the first line's statement is effective enough. The second line, "of all hell" is what felt off to me, when read aloud it didn't quite sound right, perhaps changing the word, "all" or just removing it completely. The last two lines, the chair connotations were good just not in that sentence format, maybe, "over the fabric of the hard chair" ? Just in my opinion. I loved the rest.
"at the price of trembling hands
quavering breaths
a briny taste, sulfurous and sickly,
pervading and threatening to reveal
unleash that personal hell."
This was my favorite stanza it held a lot of emotion. I'm not sure if it was intentional but your other stanzas started off with a capital and this one was lower case so it stood out a bit.
Overall a very nice piece. Hope I made more sense than nonsense
--Weather
Deadman here with a review for you! I'd like to start off with saying, that I clicked on this because the title caught my eye. When I started reading, you had me hooked to it as well. You used such descriptive words! Oh, how amazing those words made the poem. I could see it, feel it, and felt like I was in that Personal Hell. It was amazing, the whole poem really.
Okay, well there is one thing. I don't know why you broke apart the first two lines as you did.
"I am here, in this moment, the very definition of
all hell, frozen over"
I would have broken it after moment, if I was going to even break it. Breaking it the way you did disrupted the flow, the rest of the poem flows perfectly fine, but in this one spot it's really really weird. Try and figure a way to break that up differently, so you can keep a nice flow going.
Other than that I really have nothing to say, other than wow. I'm not kidding, those descriptive words really got me. I hope I helped out, and until next time, happy writing!
Cheers,
Deadman XD
Thank you so much! Yay, I'm glad you liked it. I changed that sentence you mentioned, hopefully it sounds a bit better now. Again, thanks for taking the time to review, it's much appreciated!
I quite enjoyed this poem.
First, let's talk about this I didn't like.
"I am here, in this moment, the very definition of
all hell, frozen over" Why did you go to the next line there? You should finish that phrase on one line, like, "I am here, in this moment, the very definition of all hell, frozen over"
"I smolder and smoke" I don't know what I don't like about this line, but it's something. I guess it's just the fact that it doesn't sound right, it doesn't blend.
"unleash that personal hell." I feel "unleash" should be capitalized.
Aside from that, I thought this poem was great! You have a nice, dark style, and it really blends. It disgusted and intrigued me at this same time. Nice job!
Alex out!
Thank you! I think I will reword that sentence you mentioned, thanks for the advice.
I aboslutely love this poem. The wording is perfect and it definitely describes how someone feels when they're raging. You're style of writing is very powerful and really delievers the reader a vivid image. Great job on the poem- I have no negative feeback to give, this poem was perfect!
Thank you so much!