Published March 11, 2014
A bikini, snug
and just so revealing
expanse of leg pock-marked
with scars appearing
suspiciously like cigarette burns
ready-for-a-change stride
led by ruby tipped toes;
she's got you, boy
this time, she's making promises
it's gonna work
and she's gonna be great
gyrating gait,
hair flicked over shoulder say
"see me. Want me."
leans back;
flourescent smile,
turns up the wattage
sprawls against the wall
and she disappears
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140,699 Literary Works • 673,672 Reviews
I'm sorry I don't have more to say about this, but I've just got two nitpicks:
1) "hair flicked over shoulder say"--"say" is weird here. Go with either "says" or "saying." "Say" reads weird because we've either got the hair flicked over the shoulder saying something (or "hair flicked over shoulder says") or the girl saying something (or "she says"). But it's not just a question of grammar; it also just reads awkwardly.
2) In the last line, it's "disappears."
I agree with Purple about the cigarette burns (or apparent cigarette burns)--it introduces something to us that doesn't really come up again, but I like it anyway. You've got some good imagery in this poem and you set up the girl's character really well.
Blue
Oh, well I used "say" because both "gyrating gait" and "hair flicked over shoulder" refer to the "say" so says and satin don't really work. I know that's not that clear though, I'm trying to find a better way to word it. Thanks for reviewing, I'll fix the disappears.
Hey there! Purple here for a review! How are you, friend? Anyway, let's get started.
This is a nice poem about flirting with a summer-y feel that is quite freshing to hear in this stingy weather. The reader can absolutely tell how passively determined she is. I almost imagine this person being she type to ride her bike past the person's house multiple times each day in hopes it would get his attention. I would personally suggest you use more capitalization and punctuation to improve what statements you want to stand out. The only other direct nitpicks I have are with tone shifts that seem out of place and wording that you could change.
"with scars appearing
suspiciously like cigarette burns"
Although this gives a bit of character and background story, you don't seem to continue with this. Are the burns from herself or her parents or some other abusive relationship? Had she put those scars there herself? Either expand on this idea (which would change the tone and make it darker once you specify, and you would need to shift back into the determined flirter person this seems to be aiming at), or omit this stanza entirely.
"gyrating gait"
and
"turns up the wattage"
These statements seem a little strange here. The alliteration is a nice touch, but maybe reword this. The word wattage is such an ugly feeling in the mouth. Possibly revise this.
Other than that, this was creative! Keep up the good work and I can't wait to hear from you!
Have a nice day
~Purple