As I walk in brisk early spring, I watch
a thousand brilliant robins wheel up
into the sky all at once then
settling as a cloak
all on the same tree. Without a word spoken,
with not a noise, I wonder
how they all know to light upwards at once
and back down with as much celerity.
The great mystery of their synchronization is
the secret that I'm close to unlocking
before the key crumbles against the lock.
So, the door stays locked.
Outside it, I realize with many qualms,
by the time that door molders with age,
I will have moldered the same through a
hundred lifetimes, and will thus, presumably
be somewhere that the secrets to these subtle
things of life are not kept behind lock and key, not
something better left forgotten.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
I'll start by saying that i'm no poetry expert but I've singled out the lines that made me stop dead. Overall it's a mixture of strange word choices. The rest of the poem seems solid and has good strong imagery.
" I watch
a thousand brilliant robins wheel up" Odd word usage, I don't know if "wheel up" is regional or not but it made me stop dead.
"settling as a cloak" Same here.
" to light upwards at once" Likewise
" I realize with many qualms" This phrasing seems a little awkward.
And again!
This one, I had mixed feelings about. On one hand, a lot of your imagery was really strong, and really quite well-done. In most parts of the poem, the flow was really nice, and I found it easy to follow, but it still kept me thinking. It's simple, and honestly, I really am a fan of your poetry. On the other hand though...:
Eeergh, this just seemed unnecessary. The bolded bit, I mean. It messed with the flow and threw me off, and jumbled up the sentence. I had to reread it a couple times. If it were in the middle of a poem, you might be able to get away with it, but it's not. It's your first three lines, and it sort of throws the reader off for the rest of the poem. I'd consider scrapping the bolded part, or changing up the ordering of the phrases. Also, if you're going to tell us that you're just exaggerating, what's the point of giving us an exaggerated number? I don't know, I just didn't care for the first three lines.
And then this is more nit-picky than anything else, so don't worry about it too much, but:
Just a typo, I'm assuming. "know" was "now" in the poem.
Also, the transition between the first and second stanzas. I honestly didn't get what one had to do with the other, unless the narrator walked inside and closed a door or realized how limited their freedom was. You just weren't quiiite clear enough about it for me to not feel like we were being jostled from Point A to Point B. And not jostled in a good way. Jostled in a way that makes you go "wait what". All I can say for that is that I might play around with the end of the first stanza and the beginning of the second to make it a smoother ride over?
It was a nice read though, so congrats on that one.
Good job and keep writing,
~Ish
Thank you so much for all the reviews. I fixed up according to all your suggestions. With the door bit, I hadn't meant to say "inside", I'd meant to say "outside (the door)", as if to say locked out from the knowledge almost reached. Hopefully that tweak to the wording clarifies. Thanks again, it's really appreciated!
Wow, this is a great poem. I can really see where you want me to go when reading this, I can hear and sense the environment like I am there. At first when I began to read, I was looking for rhythm or rhyme, but I soon fell into the poem and was immersed by it and all thought of analyzing it fell away. I was taken by this poem and I think it's an amazing work.
This is great, love your work, keep it up!
I'm never good with understanding a poems's "real meaning" nonetheless I thoroughly enjoyed this poem a lot!
The vocab for a starter was that at an elitist level and stayed very constant throughout the poem show top marks there for consistency. Not to mention the vivid descriptions were pretty outstanding and I like your use of enjambments in the poem too.
There was a very well formed atmospheric sense of tranquility accompanied with some mystery as to "what's behind the door exactly?" The poem also did a remarkable job of fleshing out this sense of time ageing everything. At first the poem is quite more sort of joyful and peaceful however it soon changes on the second stanza by developing this sense of mystery I'd previously mentioned.
Overall I thought this was a very well done poem and to top it all of with I can't really find any errors or things that just weren't done right. I guess if I were to suggest some sort of improvement that could be made I'd suggest that you try using more poetic techniques like Alliteration and Assonance but then again that's up to you as having three descriptive words together may end up disrupting the flow of the poem if it's meant to be short and straight to the point but that's up to you.
Any ways keep on writing, I look forward to seeing how your future poems go!
Ben
Thanks! Yeah, I usually aliiterate it up with my poems, but I was feeling like a change of pace today
. I'm glad you liked it, thanks for the nice review!