You're of that kind of
aleatory faith,
so desperate, hopeful
as to stumble
deaf and blind
yet
claim no need
to see nor hear;
God will do it for you
So, what
now he's just a guide dog?
Reduced to this,
simple chores
to chase after
each and every whim
for you're to dull to
just
open your damned eyes?
Well,
I think he's something more.
In his moreness, somehow
he's still
so much less
Your God is just
an old man, hiding
behind newspapers
in washed out diners,
day in and day out.
The news, all its
chaous and its
spitting gaping newsprint maw
will drop to the floor,
forgotten with a tsk.
His foot falls on it
as he leans in,
sips his tepid coffee
scalds his tongue
swears below his breath.
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140,213 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Hey there! Purple here for a review! HAPPY REVIEW DAY!!! Let's get started.
Unlike the last two reviewers, I agree with some of your views of god. The thing is, poetry isn't about the reader's personal opinion, it's how you can connect with the words on one level or another without having to agree 100% on every word! Okay mini rant over.
I love slap-in-the-face poems! They're basically my favorite thing on the planet, even if it's a tiny slap. Your powerful descriptions and wording just blew me away. Just one nitpick/question. So I understood all of your point except this part
"Well,
I think he's something more.
In his moreness, somehow
he's still
so much less"
when you said "I think he's something more." I honestly got confused but then I sort of understood it but I thought I should ask you. I interpreted this as some people take the bible as god's word and take it very literally despite those things that were only relevant at the time when the bible was written including homosexuality and not talking to a woman on her period (I'm serious look it up). And while they take those written words so seriously they dismiss the ones that they pick and chose to not matter. According to the christian faith, god is supposed to be loving to all blah blah blah BUT in this stanza at least I felt like you were addressing how he has so much power but doesn't do anything with it to change the world ranging from homicide to rape to starving children etc. How could someone with such power sit and do nothing as it appears? And that's what makes him "so much less" as said in the last line. The thing is, I might not be interpreting this correctly so tell me what you meant!
Have a nice day!
~Purple
Yes, you got it perfectly! I'm so glad to have someone see something more than me "putting down" their God. I love slap-in-the-face poems too, and I have to respect ones that slap well no matter how much I disagree, cause they're just so wowing. Thanks for your time, as always!
Messenger here for you.
Well I agree with KnightTeen on two things: I don't like your attitude in this poem because I am a Christian, but I d respect your beliefs so I won't go into that with you, and secondly your writing is VERY descriptive. I like the metaphors and things yo use to make your poem come alive. Especially using big words that people have to look up. That delights most readers. I do have a few problems with it though.
1. Line length
You have such short lines that I feel like I can never get rolling with the rhythm. Every time I start I have to stop to go to the next line. It makes the reading choppy for me so I can't enjoy it nearly as much. Try making your lines a little longer and try to have a variety of lengths. Not too long or too short but kind of in between.
2. Unclear plot
I really wasn't sure what you were saying until the end. You kind of made it seem like you weren't sure, and then boom the ending is like a dagger to the heart. I'd like to see a little bit more of why you have come to these beliefs. This actually felt a little like a rant. It wasn't random and disorganized enough to be aren't, but it is kind of headed in that direction. Try to add a little more background and explanation to it. And please be careful when you talk about my God like that. You could really get people mad at you.
~Messnger
Why would I attack you?
As a Christian, I have to admit that I wish you didn't see my faith or my God like this, but if this is your opinion than I respect it.
I had to look this word up. I love it when that happens, and the writer makes me reach beyond my current level of understanding. I learned something today. Thanks for that.
The way that you write is amazing. Your words paint a picture of what you are saying so clearly that it is very easy to imagine it.
I can't see any grammar/punctuation mistakes, and even if I did I typically don't review the grammar in poetry since that part really depends on the author.
I think that the stanzas could be broken up a little more evenly, mostly because I am OCD about that kind of stuff. If you don't want to do that and like the stanzas the way that they currently are, please keep it that way.
I can't say that I agree with you, but I can say that you are a great writer.
~Teen~
Hey there KissMe is here to give...*looks around and whispered* you a review..
Ok so let's jump on in!
First off nice poem I liked it! But I would like to say it looks a little sloppy, maybe fix it up a little more. The way it looks is what I mean. Your spelling and grammar are fine but well your punctuation isn't the best. To me it makes the poem look better, make it look as great as it sounds! Add some commas and periods here and there. Don't forget them. The hole concept of the poem is great, it's a very good one. Maybe fix the few things up and it might look better! But it is your poem so do as you please with it, thank you for the read! And thank you for posting this poem to the site!
Keep writing and follow your dreams!!!
~KissMe