Published April 20, 2014
Fall into love as you
fall into winter; a chill
indifference, uncertain
mercury stares, shifting
collisions of vision
we hold hands now because
the cold air keeps secrets
of frequent limits exceeded.
It is my folly as
the fault lines shift and
the fault lies with me.
It's getting warmer,
sucking truth like marrow
from our bones.
Tell-all summer, spilled secrets
are suffuse through
burn marks from the pain and
thin skin, see-through in
the white light.
I paint the covers over us,
some disclosure for
the open daylight
the summer is noise
neverending, promising
nothing, but,
you keep holding my hand,
taking the risk.
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140,220 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
Yo, Weymouth here for a review because i'm cool like that
I think you are a great writer, keep up the good work!
I like it, i think that your use of language is very good and the emotion expressed is really effective. I like the repetition of the word "fall" in the first stanza, it links love and seasons, which I think is a good comparison. I was skeptical when i saw that the stanzas were irregular, but it works really well
Hey, I really enjoyed this, particularly the vocabulary and the emotion behind it. Through the words, you have expressed very deep feeling and thought throughout the poem. It seems like its very relevant to you, which i feel is always good. I always liked the numerous repetitions like 'Fault' and 'Fall'. I also thought that the link and imagery with the seasons made it very descriptive and nice to read. The only things i have to criticise is the use of comma's and how you structure the different lines to emphasise some words, lines, whatever. At times, it breaks the flow of the poetry and at times can be thought of as too much and quite close to rambling. Otherwise, i really enjoyed it!! Da Iawn!!
Hello Retro here for a wee review
; and even if it isn't necessary I think is would help the flow.
First off but i'll do some nitpicks and then talk about everything which I loved, okay?
'...a chill
indifference'
I think chill needs to be in the past tense here
'It is my folly as
the fault lines shift and
the fault lies with me'
I am not one to follow stereotypical structure of poems, and I appreciate that each stanza is one sentence. But, here I think you really need a period after me. Otherwise I think it jilts the stanza too much, and makes it particularity difficult to follow.
'see through'
I think this needs a hyphen.
Other than that I don't think there is anything major. Personally I would put a few more full stops in but I can see it is start of your style here.
Onto what I liked about the poem. Simply put this is fantastic. You have written so beautiful and stunning and unrivaled in terms of some of the stuff I have seen. You metaphors, and ideas are beautifully constructed and placed; you literally make the words come out of the page. You are an incredible writer, and you have a real skill that very few people have.
Well done,
and keep it up.
*liked*
~Retro
Wow! This was fantastic! The repetition of words and your use of more difficult words was brilliant! You were very descriptive and made this poem have a certain feel. You make the reader immerse themselves into the poem and that's fabulous. You also broke your poem into perfect stanzas so it wasn't one long run-on sentence. You are on your way of becoming a great poet. Keep up the good work!
I love your use of repetition, especially your repetiton of specific words like in places like "the fault lines shift and/the fault lies within me." That line wouldn't be the same and it wouldn't have the same effect if you hadn't repeated the word fault. The subtle rhyming and sound patterns give it a certain feeling that I'm not sure how to describe. Your transition between the seasons is seamless and smooth as is your transitions between different lines and stanzas. I really like how short all the lines are and how they seem broken up. I don't have many criticisms, but I am a little confused about rhe wording in the first stanza. I like the way it sounds, but I'm not sure what it means.