Show me I'm more
than just
an enigma; show me
some sweet chaous to
the ticking of me,
roll the gears,
play me out of context with
your own mysteries.
Show me what
to love about
bombardment of skin
to skin without chagrin.
Map out holistic motions across
my skin's atlas, so I might
remember how you move
and contrive the same reel
to spin onwards,
flicker crepuscular memories
over quiet movie screens
when you're gone.
Show me once more, beckon
before I forget, or
worse still, linger only
at the penumbra of your being
shadow-cast, alone
to watch you darken,
be forgotten.
Remind me, once more.
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139,593 Literary Works • 672,612 Reviews
the language you use in this is extremely beautiful. It has so much imagery, it is really wonderful. I love how vivid the pictures created by your writing are. I really loved the idea of an old film. I love anything vintage so it really made me happy. I think that the old film and vintage feel really added to the romance in the story.
I particularly enjoyed the line "the ticking of me, roll the gears," I really just found it to be a very cool line. I love the contrast between a person and gears I thought it was a very cool concept. I almost picture a little steampunk when reading this poem.
One thing I would work on is making sure what you are saying is clear. I found that I needed to read it more that once. That can be okay though a lot of poems do need to be re-read.
Overall I really enjoyed reading this and you did a fantastic job.
Wow! This is great!! I love how descriptive your language is, and how you didn't just use the same cliches for everything. And you make the whole idea kind of undefined, so that it gives you 5 different impressions at once, and each person has a different idea about it. Does that make sense?
There was just one thing I wanted to comment about:
"Show me what
to love about
bombardment of skin
to skin without chagrin."
In this part, it kind of ruins the movement of the poem when you rhyme "skin" and "chagrin". I love the message you're to making, but… maybe you could find a different way to put it? You could just change the order of the words, and it'd be perfect.
Think on it,
CuriosityCat