Stuccoed walls with loud interjections-
orange and green, heady
as the laughing bubble of latin music.
To struggle against the mocking promises
flushed red crescent moons
weeping glowing,
always tearing outwards
to join the onslaught.
They rise with the pull
of nails passing over skin
and never set.
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140,213 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
*shivers*
RoyalHighness has arrived to review!
So overall, I liked this, even though I didn't quite get the full meaning of it in the first read. I had to read it about three or four times, to make sure I could comment intelligently.
That being said, I really like this. It has such a potent color to it that I could almost /see/ it. And it was a cool, red-burnt-siena kind of color. Great job!
I especially like the last stanza, because it really brought around the message (which I think is either about depression or actually just about astronomy, but I am really terrible at analyzing poems so forgive me if I'm horribly wrong; I'm seriously horrendous at meanings and such), and the imagery made me shiver.
I didn't really understand the connection between the "mocking promises," and the "red crescent moons," but that's again because I have the poetry analysis ability of a four year old orangutang.
Overall, I really liked this, but I didn't /quite/ catch the meaning...I'll give you eight-and-a-half stars of ten. Great job!!
Now, when I first started reading it, I didn't see how it related to astronomy. As I continued to read it, however, I understood it better. This is very tricky ground to write on. Making it vague and almost invisible at the start can be a blessing or a curse. For you, it worked. Not all do, and I'm proud you were able to make it work. Next, your word choice was astounding. This is a point I am a very firm believer of; extended vocabularies make the writing a lot more personal and visual. I could picture every part of this poem, whether metaphorical or literal. This poem was a fairly enjoyable one and you have succeeded in writing simple yet complex poetry. I am excited to see what you can come up with in the near future.
Yay! Thanks!
Ooooooooooooh, this was cool. I really liked. Slowly, but surely, and thanks to YWS, I'm starting to like poetry. I liked this!
"Stuccoed walls with loud interjections-" Just to say, this line is a different color than the rest of the piece o_O. Anyways, this line was fine.
"orange and green, heady" I don't think heady is the right word. Try something else (I have no good ideas, sorry!)
"as the laughing bubble of latin music." Latin is a nice choice.
"To struggle against the mocking promises" Don't "struggle". Try something else there, too.
"flushed red crescent moons" This line's fine.
"weeping glowing," Try "weeping, glowing" instead. It creates a better flow.
"always tearing outwards" "to join the onslaught." "They rise with the pull" All fine
"of nails passing over skin" You need to change this. It doesn't paint as nice of a picture as everything else did.
"and never set." What never sets? I'm confused.
This was really nice overall, but if you changed those, it would be GREAT
Alex out!