I looked out of my car door window as we were driving to church. I had my friend Thomas with me. He was an atheist, so he hadn't been to church before. His parents made him. My mom thought it was a good idea too, so we decided to bring him along
Our family is heavily religious. I only listen to religious music like Aaron Crider and 12 Stones. We attend church every Wednesday and Sunday. My favorite book is the Bible, and I strictly pray five times a day. My friend on the other hand, he doesn't believe in God. He believes in secularism. I found it sad, but I try to ignore that fact. Mine and his parents think that I am a good influence on him. Otherwise, we are best friends.
"Here we are!" said my mom, showing Thomas what church we went to. "Come inside, you will love it!"
My parents believe that church is a priority. My dad is the pastor and my mom leads the adults and children's choir. I participate myself by helping out before and after every morning.
We took our seats in the front row. "Thomas, make sure you actually listen to the sermon today. Got it?" I told him
"Yeah dude. Whatever." He replied in an arrogant tone.
It didn't bother me, that was really his regular self. He is interested in things like science and art. My parents call him a heretic behind his back. I didn't like it when they did that, it always made me a little frustrated. They have even tried to convert him. It's his preferences.
"Good morning, and a warm welcome to everyone who has joined us today. It is a fantastic opportunity for all of us to come together to share in fellowship and praise." The pastor, or as I call him, dad, said to the congregation. "Now, please stand up, bow your head, and fold you hands as we pray to our Lord God."
I tapped Thomas lightly on the shoulder and whispered in his ear, "You too."
He sighed, but he stood up and bowed his head. We all said the morning prayer in unison. I was surprised to actually here him speak to God. "Now, please take your seats everyone." When the prayer was finished, he unfolded his hands and sat down as soon as possible. "This is going to be a while." I muttered to myself.
"Now please rise take out your hymnals and turn to page 128," said dad.
We all started singing "A Great and Mighty Wonder" in our hymnals, but then I looked at Thomas and he wasn't doing anything. He was sitting down. I glared at him, and he immediately left the sanctuary. I didn't do anything, but dad watched him march down the isle towards the exit. He looked at the doors and then at me. He didn't give me a dirty look, he just gave me a straight face. My mom didn't know because she was too occupied playing the piano for the song. When the song was finished, I walked up to dad and whispered in his ear, "Can I go talk to him?"
He nodded, and I went through the office so I didn't cause anymore of a scene. I found the exit and walked right out. I found him sitting on the curb, with something in his lap. I looked over and it was a spirit board, and a planchette. "Thomas! No!" I smacked the planchette off of the board and out of his hands.
"Dude, don't do that! You'll disturb the spirits!" He said.
"The only thing that you are disturbing is me! Now let's go!" I said. I threw the spirit board in the street, grabbed his hand, and dragged him back into the church like a child. It was embarrassing, but I knew it was for his own good.
End of chapter
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140,145 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hi Cap!
Bit of a religious story you've got here... Not really my type but I'll review it nonetheless!
Let's get to the grammar.
Here you switched from past-tense to present-tense. "So he hasn't been to church before" should be "so he hadn't been to church before", too keep with the past-tense of the rest of the story. I didn't notice any other mistakes like this, good job! I usually mess it up tons of times.
Here you seem to have taken the period from the end of the sentence and put it after "128". To fix this just move the period behind "dad" and put a comma in its place. Also, while we're here, "dad" should be capitalized (I believe) unless the character is saying "my dad". That mistake was made several times throughout the story.
I suggest making Thomas' speech more realistic and turning "you will" to "you'll". Also, take out the period after "spirits", put a comma there, and lowercase "He".
Unless "Science" is a religion or someone/thing's name it shouldn't be capitalized here (I think
I don't see anymore grammar problems but there could be a few more that I'd planned to cover and forgot.
Still, good job, you seem to have a potentially great story on your hands. I'd love to see how you'll twist things up (if you're going to drive it down a more fictional path).
Keep writing!
-Jules
'Sup, CaptainSaltWater. Let's get started with this review, and with review day, shall we?
I myself am I very religious person. However, I do have atheist friends, and I do try to convert, but if they don't want to, I accept it. You can't always change people, and I think that might be what you were trying to convey in this story. I like it so far, and I'd love to see more.
Some things you can fix or add:
We all started singing "A Great and Mighty Wonder" in our hymnals. But then I looked at Thomas and he wasn't doing anything.-Instead of putting a period after hymnals, consider putting a coma between hymnals and but.
"Dude! Don't do that! You will disturb the spirits." He said.-I felt like there should also be another exclamation point after spirits, and maybe a coma between dude and don't so it flows a little more.
I'd also like to see a little more description. Maybe you could paint a clear picture of what the inside/outside of the church looks like. What does the steeple look like? The color of the carpets, or is the floor wooden? Those types of things.
Overall, you did a great job. I'm totally going to keep reading this! ~Prez. T
It's a very good story. Not sure as to just how old they are, especially with the last two sentences leading to believe Thomas and her are not children but the rest of the story seeming like they are. Also Thomas seems more agnostic than atheist. Atheist means no belief in a higher power OR great beyond of any kind including spirits. So I think calling agnostic makes more sense at the ending although being atheist works better at the begging.
Personally I think this is a great example of how rude religion makes some people. I'm not atheist personally, but only religious people are seen trying to force they're beliefs on others. Which regardless of intentions is extremely rude and disrespectful. It also says in the God has mercy for those who never had the chance to find him, and that belief in him is supposed to be a choice. Which they clearly are trying not to give Thomas, if Thomas and the girl I don't think you named were best friends she would have brought up God at some point. Her work would be done. Trying to press the thing multiple times is not giving him a chance, it's forcing belief which is against the bible, meaning a sin. I'm not atheist as I have said, and despite my very little faith I have read the bible several times.
Although I really do like this story, I think you need to read the entire bible and then research atheism, agnosticism, and spirituality. They are four completely different things, and it seemed like you're trying to use all four by combining it into two. Researching all four will help you a lot in later chapters. Also it would help to give the main characters best friend a name. Instead of girl she or her.
Overall it was really good, but I don't think continuing without even a little research into atheism, agnosticism, and spirituality would be a good idea. It's not many yet, but you definitely don't understand just how different the four beliefs your using are. Not knowing will come back to bite you later.
Thanks! And Thomas's friend is a boy. I know what atheism is but I have no idea about the agnosticism.
Being agnostic means neither belief or disbelief. An agnostic person doesn't necessarily believe in a god, but believes it is possible they exist. It's a belief basically built on "seeing is believing". An agnostic person doesn't believe in what they can't see, but also accepts that despite being unseen that it could be possible. Probably the second most open minded belief system.
Spirituality is the practice of interacting with the spirit world. A spiritual person practices meditation as a core to the other practices, such as astral projection, and other out of body experiences, healing physical injuries by interaction with the spirit realm to mend, sensing the essence of every living thing, seeing and reading a person's aura. Amongst hundreds of other practices pretty much all centered around meditation.