sometimes

I dig the poem Elysium, though... I'm a little torn.

This poem wants to be casual, whisper-tones so the simplicity and straight forwardness works, and all the better because the subject matter is so dark, melodramatic, depressing. It is effective in communicating what it must, and in translating such feelings that you could only regard as "sometimes". It just happens. One day, we're not as excited about waking up for the next day, or waking up at all. I feel that with this poem.

On the same token, it's not really a pleasant read. And I don't mean pleasant like a skip and a lollipop, that's obviously missing the point of the piece, but I mean... it's not very engaging for me as a reader. It's almost too frank, too much of a grocery list. And well, uninteresting really.

I suggest getting rid of the last stanza. I understand its addition there as this sort of culminating sigh of relinquishing. A "giving up" plea sort of thing, but I would argue you don't really need it, that sort of thing is there throughout every line of the poem and we're not arriving at anything new, each scene is a death wish and that's what I would say is the weakness of the piece. Not the death wish, but the way it reads as more of a grocery list of death wishes, as opposed to engaging me along with it. Many poems approach dark, melodramatic topics in straightforward ways, but the memorable ones will add a dimension or a layer that keep us turning the page over and over for more. Keep us reading it a second, third, or forth time.

You've proved with this piece that you are able to carry through a dark, even vulnerable tone seriously. You've proved a deftness too with your language and picture-making that leaves us with these so-called "sometimes" moments and what's missing from this piece to truly elevate it further is the emotional poignancy of these moments. Rather than making a list of all the things the speaker sometimes thinks - give us in addition, the context that allows us to engage with these moments.

It's the difference between TELLING "sometimes the speaker runs out on the highway" and SHOWING what it is about that highway that makes the speaker run out to it? Is it the way the gray asphalt seems to lead no where? Or perhaps it leads to a broken, dysfunctional home. Perhaps that is what is so tragic about a no-where road, its bloody familiarity.

Sometimes, even just one word makes us engage with a subject. Imagine if in the second stanza we go for something odd like "delectable pill". That's a weird image, a pill that is so sweet and tantalizing to the tastebuds. But see, that sort of exaggeration places us in these moments even if we never experienced depression before, because we all know something "delectable" and if the speaker describes something as dull-tasting as a pill as "delectable" the we begin to understand the drone, or the hardship, or the depressing factor just a *tad* more. But these are just examples rather than suggestions!

Rather, I'd love for you to comb through this and try to utilize the senses a bit more in order to give us some much needed emotional context. Give your lines WEIGHT. Or if it's lightness or brevity that you're going for, it should be so light on the tongue we have to double-back to read it again.

Let me know if you need to chat this one up, if you have any questions, or would like more suggestions.

I hope this helps.

~ as always, Audy

Hi, Nice to meet you
Well first off, you are missing a lot of capitalization's through out this piece. I'm assuming you know about this though and probably chose to not change it because you just didn't want to. I don't blame you though, now onto the review.
Well this piece may be personal to you I'm assuming, this topic is a very touchy one. This is very accurate and makes me want to reach out to help this person. You might've not meant it, but posting this today has it's own effect. This piece is very emotional and has someone, possibly an adolescent, not wanting to deal with problems and wanting to end it all. This piece is very good, but there are no commas.
There isn't really much for me to say about this piece except that it flows quite well and each stanza seems to work well with one another. And if you were trying to get the audience's condolences you probably have.
Goodluck with your writing, I really liked this poem even if it is very sad.

Greetings from The Swordsman,

I have to say, since I personally know someone who has thought some of these very same things, that this is very accurate to the way that some people feel. To those that have not known the feeling, or had someone they love very dearly that have these feelings, it is absolutely, gut wrenchingly painful.

As someone on the outside looking in, I can honestly say that the pain and hurt conveyed here is very accurate, and just as saddening. I just want to say to those out there that struggle with this...there is always something better out there. I know that it is hard to see, especially when you have these thoughts. But there is. Sometimes it's the bravest people in the world are those that get up out of bed the next day when they felt like ending it all the night before.

Thank you for sharing this and please...continue to convey this same amount of emotion in all of your writings.

Happy Writing!

Based off of true events.