I exited the church doors and headed to the car. We just got done with today's service, and I had to drive my friend Thomas home while my parents stayed at the church and cleaned up. Thomas didn't have his driver's license yet. "Alright, let's go." I said as I entered the car.
"Are you mad at me?" Thomas asked me.
"Just a little. That was a bad thing you did, Thomas." I replied.
"I am sorry." He apologized to me. I was disappointed in him. He was playing with a Ouija board during the church service. Sure he is an atheist, but it worried me. I care a lot about Thomas. I don't have very many friends. With everyone thinking I am weirdo just for my beliefs. It does offend me. But Thomas is really my only choice for a friend. He cares about me. I don't care if he is an atheist. It's just his beliefs.
"Can we change the radio?" Thomas asked me.
"Sure, my parents won't be too happy with me though." I replied
I changed the station on the radio to his favorite station. I listened to the song with interest. "Hey, this isn't so bad." I said. Until the radio dropped the f-bomb.
"Okay, that's enough!" I said and switched the station back.
"Dude, loosen up. It's okay if they say 'fuck' only once." He said.
"Please don't say that." I said
''Whatever." He replied.
I really didn't get the point of swearing. First off, it is against the Second Commandment. Second, it just proves people have nothing better to say. And finally, it's rude.
Thomas just sat their in silence. He didn't talk the rest of the way until we reached his house.
"Hey, come here." He said and gestured to me to get out of the car.
I followed him and we went into his house. He led me to his bedroom. I have been to his bedroom before. It screams 'atheism,' and I mean it.
"Check this out, dude!" Thomas said as he handed me a Ouija board. I dropped it immediately.
"Why? Why do you have to do this to me?" I asked, with nervousness and cowardliness in my voice.
"It's fine. You are religious, right?" He told me.
"Yes, and your point is?" I asked.
"Just say a prayer before we do it." He said.
"No! Sin is like a room waiting to be filled. And when you enter, you want to stay there. You feel no need to leave, even though the door is wide open. And then suddenly, the door closes and it's too late." I said.
"Fine, whatever." He replied. "It's your loss. If you want to find out what is on the other side, then go for it."
It was tempting, and I wanted to try it out, but it's a sin. But my curiosity got to me, and before I knew it, I was holding a planchette in my hand.
"Good boy, now, say your little Christian prayer and let's get on with it." Thomas said.
I sighed, bowed my head, and said the prayer. When I finished, I lifted my head and said, "Let's do this."
End of chapter
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140,145 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hiya, CaptainSaltWater! I have returned to review this lovely second installment of "The Summoning!" I really like the direction you are taking with this, especially by including some temptation. I probably said this in my earlier review, but I really like the fact you made Thomas an atheist because for me, it's something I can relate to.
"...And when you enter, you want to stay there. You feel no need to leave, even though the door is wide open. And then suddenly, the door closes and it's too late." I said.-I don't see a use in all the abrupt Ands. Instead, I would remove some of the periods you've placed and switch them out for commas. Such as: "Sin is like a room waiting to be filled, and when you enter, you want to stay there. You feel no need to leave, even though the door is wide open." -and then possibly, instead of a comma, do this-"Suddenly, the door closes and it's too late." I said."
Hope that this helped just a little. I really love this so far! I'm going to read part 3 later!
~Prez. T
Heya, Captain! Happy Easter.
We just got done with today's service,
This sentence is very colloquial, which is fine considering that your charatacter is narrating. However, for a more formal sounding sentence I would use a phrase like we had just finished.
"Are you mad at me?" Thomas asked me.
"Just a little. That was a bad thing you did, Thomas." I replied.]/b]
This conversation is very clever. Although novels follow one storyline, it's a good idea to have a 'mini plot' in each chapter. You've written it well and this bit of speech brilliantly begins the little storyline.
[b]I don't have very many friends. With everyone thinking I am weirdo just for my beliefs.
You don't need the full stop there, you could replace it with a comma or take it out completely.
Woah! You've got a very strong-willed character there and I'm interested to see what will happen when he puts his beliefs behind him.
I read the first chapter, and I must say that given the length of either, and that chapter two takes place immediately after the other, and that the point of view does not change, you could have combined them into one.
Next, I should point out that while an atheist can believe in the existence of ghosts, it is highly unlikely. Thomas does not need to be an atheist to be deemed a heretic by Christians. He could have been Pagan, or in a sect, or a cult, any of those would brand him a misfit in the eyes of most people.
I think that you should work on switching between past and present tense. Although what you are trying to tell the reader is clear, I still believe that you should make it entirely in past tense.
All of that being said, I find the point of view character to be a good one. The way he talks about Thomas is very believable, especially because he tells us that he is his only choice for a friend, explaining why he keeps him around in the first place.
Apart from the atheist thing, I liked Thomas, too. He stuck to his beliefs, but he really tried to make an effort in the church, just so he would please the people around him. Also I liked the way he said "whatever" a lot, just adds to character credibility.
I hope my opinion helps!