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139,346 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
Hi, unknown391625!
I see that Invisible has a lot of "I"s. I'm not sure about that, but I think it is unnecessary. And why is this so short? You could make an actual story, not just a piece of person history. Come on, you know you want to. BTW, who is Alex Schaff? Anybody you know? Are you Alex? Pssh, no, you have a buncha friends on online. But still. Byezeez! If anyone asks, say I'm...AWESOME!!!!!
-wisegirl22
Hello! KatyaElefant here for another review! Happy Review Day! Let's see what we have here.
This reminds me about an introduction that I wrote for one of my stories but instead, I took a sentence and pushed it to the side kind of like this:
I am Alex Schaff.
I live my life as a target.
I am an outcast.
In my opinion, that would be the more correct format for this short story. I don't know if I would even consider it one because it's so short. It could open up a bigger topic that you have. Bullying. You could have a story in which someone conquered the big dogs in the school that were bullying them or something.
Now for the good things that I found in this passage. You have excellent grammar and spelling and that always should give you bonus points. You have a great hook for a story that you can choose to make. That would be cool if you could do that! I would definitely read it if you asked me too! I would love to know more about this character because sometimes we all feel like him. Sometimes we are alone and invisible and it's kind of sad how true that it. Great job, overall. Have a nice review day! Keep calm and keep writing!
by Team Rocket.
Bullying is a very special topic, and I love that you are so interested in it even though you say you've never been bullied at all (or at least to this extent). It really shows that there are people out in the world that care and want to make a difference.
As others have said, this could be a great opening for a book, and I can't wait to see more.
I agree with the corrections that Sillia made, but I also think you should fit the characters name in there somewhere.
I love this so far and can't wait to read more!
Keep being awesome!
Kendastic
I think my story so far is great! There will be more when I get enough points. It will be definitely a series. Thanks for all of the support! You guys are encouraging me to write more. It is just so exciting! Thank you everybody!
-Unknown39625
I find this paragraph to be a great hook to a beginning of a book. It leaves me wanting to read more and find out more what it's like in Alex's life. I thought this was good, I am just curious about why Alex is so depressed and why he lives his life as a target. I would really like to see where the rest of Alex's story goes if you were going to continue this story. Keep up the good work!
Thanks a bunch! I will be continuing this story. I thought I would write this story as a short prologue for the series I will be starting.
Sillia here!
If your doing a type of narrative like this, it would be better to take out the name, it would add more of a dramatic flare to the story. so instead of;
You could put, 'I am nobody." It would just add more of a feel for it. Try switching, 'I live my life as a target.' and 'i am an outcast.' Try to add more depth into
So like.... maybe try, 'everyday i am beaten down and pushed around; my soul torn to pieces before me'.
I've been bullied so trust me, its exactly what that feels like. But otherwise i really like this. Just maybe try to add a little more depth too it. Keep writing!
<Sillia>
I am getting a lot of questions about me writing this stories because I am bullied this bad, that is not true. I write these because i am very interested in the topic of bullying.
*hugs known*
This piece leaves me wondering. Wondering if I am imaging the things that actually do happen to Alex in this story correctly. Wondering if I understand what you are getting at.
This does feel like a prologue to a book. I would want to read more.
There will be more, definitely.
Hello there, and welcome to YWS by the way.
Quick nitpick:
The commas in this sentence should either be periods or semicolons; whichever works best for you. Other than that, nothing was grammatically wrong with this.
This is an interesting piece, but I feel like you need to go into more depth. Instead of just stating that Alex lives his life as a target and feels lonely and invisible, you could show us by writing a scene where all this happens. Show, don't tell. An author's favorite words.
I get the feeling that this is a prologue to something. It's doesn't have quite enough structure to be a short story. To be that, it needs to have a plot, characters, and the like. If this is a prologue, please mark it as that so that we know there's more to come! However, if this is a short story, it doesn't quite fit the bill for one, so I would suggest rewriting it to not be just stated information.
I like the premise, and I know from
my habit of stalking newbies to see how they're doingreading a post on your wall that you are very emotionally invested in this topic. As Anadir said, if bullying is ever a problem for you, don't hesitate to PM me or anyone else. We all love each other on YWS. <3Part of me doesn't like how every sentence starts with "I" as it gets kind of boring, but another part of me likes how it sort of makes the character feel lifeless, like they're alive, but not living. Well done on that.
Overall, this is a great opening to something, and a very emotional premise, but it could use a bit more substance. Make it a bit meatier.
Spoiler
Thanks for the helpful tips. I am new to this website. I will go on more and make this a series, well I will try to.
Hello, and welcome to the site!
Well, it looks like you've got a good start to something here. We have a character and a whole world of emotions contained in one paragraph: loneliness, pain, depression. Maybe anger or sadness or both. Maybe self-hatred or hatred of the world.
What I want to see from this, though, is some fleshing-out. Why is Alex a laughingstock and an outcast? Is he a literal outcast--someone who has just moved into a town where everyone else grew up knowing everyone else, for example--or is he an outcast for more personal reasons, like a hobby or unique personality the others don't understand? Does he do anything to escape this feeling--writing, perhaps, or drawing, or painting, or composing songs, or taking long walks by himself? Is there any single person at school who is kind to him, even in a small way, like helping him pick up his books if someone else makes him drop them? Do his parents and teachers realize what's going on, and if so, have they tried to help or are they in denial about it, look the other way so they don't have to deal with it?
What about the end of the story? I feel like this is a good beginning to something bigger--a longer short story, or even a novel about a boy trying to deal with the way his classmates treat him--but how does it end? Will Alex find a friend and learn that things get better, or is this the kind of story where no lesson is learned and the ending is a sad one?
A good place to start fleshing this out would be this exercise: Take each sentence in the story and try to turn it into a paragraph. For example, let's take this sentence:
This tells us something that happens to Alex, but it tells us in a very general way. To make us really feel for him, show this happening. Turn the sentence into a paragraph describing the harm in a little more detail. For example:
"Every day, I am physically or mentally harmed. One of the older boys will stop me in the hallway and make jokes about me while his friends laugh. Then he takes my lunch money, and I go hungry until I get home."
Now we see something happening. The next step is to take your new paragraph and turn it into a whole scene, showing us who the older boy is, what kind of people his friends are (not very nice ones, I think we can assume), what the other kids in the hallway at that time do (laugh? try to help? keep walking without looking at Alex?), and how Alex reacts (does he take it silently? cry? try to defend himself? get in trouble for trying to defend himself?)
You have worlds within these sentences, vast worlds that describe a kind of pain that many people go through. Write these worlds. Show them to us. You have the start of something good here; now, run with it.
Blue
Spoiler
But if it is just a story, after all, feel free to ignore this part of the review.
Blue
Hey guys! No this is not a true story and my name is not Alex Schaff. I like to discuss the topic of bullying a lot and i like to write stories about it. And this was kind of like an opening of the story, so I will do more if you were wondering. I also wrote this a while ago.
"To everyone out there who is bullied, people mainly bully to make themselves feel better. People in our society want to hurt us. We have been hurt emotionally and physically. Most of us have been bullied. Some of us have thought of taking our lives just because of the act of bullying. Why would people want to bully others? They want to feel better about themselves. They want to try to be popular. Bullying will never make you popular. Now I'm sure everyone has experienced this pain. Ignore them. Ignore the people who are in your life that harm you. Nobody should have to go through this. Everyone needs someone special in their lives, like a friend, a relative, a stranger who treats you well, or even a toy. I know this message is a little lengthy, just I hope you read this and I hope it makes you feel special. Everyone is special."
We all need to know that everyone is special. No matter if you are different or alike. Everyone is different.
Oh, good! Ignore that spoilery part of my review, in that case.
Well, that certainly fits the topic of dramatic. This looks like a very interesting opening to a great book, so I am rather curious if you intend to transform this into such. Just to make sure, this isn't how you yourself feel, is it? Because if so, I would be glad to speak with you. YWS will be here if you need anything! Just a few things.
If Alex lives his life as a target, then doesn't he technically have the (unwanted) purpose of being a target? XD. But just think... think about all the cool stuff you can do while you're invisible. You can throw food at people and they'll never see you. You can haunt people or worst yet... you can follow someone around and constantly move things a few inches to their left every few minutes to confuse the heck out of them.
Happy writing!