i wear a mask
that hides my true sentiments
the deep dark thoughts that turn to
onyx black
the scars that left beads and streaks
of blood red
on my alabaster skin
and the permanent black and blue bruises
left on my heart and soul
yet
no one
seems
or even cares
to
notice
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139,289 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
must have been written quickly and in haste, and i must say it is pretty readable writing for a hash upload. The words didn't rhyme, which is not so bad,but i had badly hoped they would. They still make good meaning though;nonetheless, the last part from...." yet.........notice" didn't need all those line breaks. Two lines could have done just fine to me!
Thank you for the review, but this is a free verse poem, where there is no rhyming. But thank you.
I enjoy short verses as they capture feelings in a delightful way without giving away too much or being too emotionally charged or sentimental.
I could feel the pain in these lines,"and the permanent black and blue bruises left on my heart and soul." I thought your work was pretty creative and a deviation from the usual norms.
I'm not very fond of poetry. Sometimes, I even despise it. Writers can just write whatever they want however they want it, and it still gets accepted and passed on as "free verse poetry" no matter how badly written it is. In short, I think free verse poetry is lazy.
This one isn't an exception. But it's beautiful, in a way.
Very visual imagery, and I like it.
Though one thing I notice about a lot of freeverse is it's mostly one line per stanza. It's not so bad, but if used too much and without much thought, it can scatter your ideas and hinder your readers from understanding your poem.
One example is your ending line. I'll say it, your ending line is kind of weak. I mean, why do they not care or even notice? That's because you're wearing a mask! Hopefully you see what I mean.
The separation of the ending line is troubling me. It seems really unnecessary, especially the "yet - no one" and the "to - notice" parts. Not only did it make it a bit harder to read, it also ended such a beautiful and flowery poem in a scattered and disorganized manner.
Other than that, I like your poem lots. The imagery still gets me.
Hey elysium! (rad name btw)
Cheaper here to check out this work. Already, I love the shortness and how quick it is to the point. Its a lot harder to write short and sweet so good job on that! Secondly, you have a nice word selection. Its a little inconsistent, such as "of blood red" is a little simple, but the next line uses the word "alabaster" so I know you have the level of diction! Its not necessary but it adds to the level of imagery and that's always a plus! So that's one thing to consider! Thirdly, I enjoy the format. Its unorthodox compared to the typical stanza format and I enjoy the creativity, it also adds an emphasis to certain phrases, I assume you did this intentionally. I don't have much constructive criticism to offer because this was well written especially for saying you haven't written in a while! I hope this helped!
Your friend,
Cheaper