We met one day ago
in a Barnes & Nobles Bookstore.
You were looking for Classic Literature,
and instead you found me.
~
We had our first date five days ago.
We went to a local Starbucks.
We both ordered scones,
and we shared iced coffee.
~
I proposed to you ten days ago,
before we went on fifty-three dates.
Now we would be standing together
holding each other's hands.
~
We got married one week ago.
The wedding was beautiful.
We danced our hearts out,
and drove away in the moonlight.
~
We got back from our honeymoon one day ago,
and you took the pregnancy test.
We were having a baby!
We were overwhelmed with happiness.
~
Our baby was born today.
We named him Hayden.
He had a little bald head,
and the cutest little smile.
~
It was our first anniversary two days ago.
We went to Barnes & Noble
and had Starbucks,
and went to the church were we got married.
~
Our child turned ten one week ago.
We got him a bicycle.
It was black with orange flames on it.
He absolutely loved it.
~
Hayden graduated two days ago.
We had a big party at an event center.
He is all grown up now.
We sobbed when he left.
~
We have been married since 25 years.
We celebrated with a small get together.
We invited Hayden
and that was all.
~
We sat out on the porch one day ago,
drinking iced tea.
She was reading Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen,
and I was reading Edgar Allan Poe.
~
My wife was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's ten days ago.
I was absolutely devastated.
The doctor told me
that she only has one month.
~
My wife died one month ago.
I sat next to her grave today.
Soon one day,
we would be sharing this spot underground.
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139,529 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
Hello there Elysium! I'd like to start by saying I enjoyed the piece, and with it the steady feel of each stanza and the unconventional pattern, as well as the repetition. I don't have much for critiques, because I liked it a fair amount. I only have a few nit-picky moments to share.
First off- "were we got married" should be "where we got married". Easy thing to miss. Everyone does it. No big deal. Just something to catch.
Secondly- this stanza...
"My wife was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's ten days ago.
I was absolutely devastated.
The doctor told me
that she only has one month."
What I have to say next only comes from someone who is experiencing this process first hand (sort of), and so I may just have more experience than others. Lou Gehrig's isn't something you'd get diagnosed with so late in the game that you'd only have a month to live, it can usually be diagnosed pretty early on. Also, it's really uncommon in women- like, weirdly so. Multiple Sclerosis (MS) is the opposite, seeing as it's way more common in women than men. However, it's way more variable than ALS. So whereas ALS would be a more dramatic and quick death for the woman in question, it seems unlikely for it to be her diagnosis, and so late in the game. But kudos for not using cancer, most people just use that when trying to cause drama.
Since I like to end on a high note, I shall say that I overall very much liked the piece, and that the tempo and repetition isn't overplayed and is quite tastefully done. Your poem evokes emotion well- and that's all poetry is meant to do, in my opinion.
Keep it up,
- Renn
I love the title! It reflects that, despite the years they have spent together, the speaker feels as if they met a day ago, presenting the idea that true love never dies. This romantic poem has touched my heart. I liked the straightforwardness of this poem; there’s no use of metaphor or simile. It feels almost like a memory he cherishes and often recalls. You gave us the glimpses of their journey, beautiful moments of their lives, and it leaves us feeling almost . . . refreshed (not sure if it’s the right word). I enjoyed reading it. Well done, and keep writing!
Hey, yo, CaptainSaltWater! Strange here on this fantastic day and I have a review for you!
People seem to be loving this poem. I mean, the praise you're getting from other reviewers is awesome. It's great to see that. I personally am not feeling the hype. Then again, it takes a lot to impress me so I can't blame you. It's fantastic to watch you grow as a poet from poem to poem. I enjoy the growth that I have witnessed. That made me smile, but I still hope that you grow more.
This is your best written work yet (minus the tildes). The delivery on it was neatly packaged, helped it flow, and the techniques you used weren't half bad. I do recommend in the future toying around with other styles of poetry. For example, "This rash makes me feel closer to you" (yes, I wrote that) showed me mimicking a style I see often. Now, since you're at this point of growth, expand! Become a beautiful butterfly and spread your wings!
Something about this just didn't work. I don't know exactly what, but I didn't feel the emotions other felt. Instead, I got this taste of flat soda. It's sweet, but it lacks the carbonation to fully punctuate on the flavor. There are a few nitpicks I do have, along with a comment on the theme and message. Let's jump into this, shall we?
Strong starts, right? To others, yes. This has a simple yet sweet starting to set up the poem. It basically summed up what the readers are going to expect throughout the poem. That is nice, and I liked that there were no completely random twists to make it heartbreaking. It naturally is heartbreaking. You expressed that. However, those last two lines are supremely cheesy. What do you mean you were looking for her? You realize how incredibly stalker-ish that comes off as?
Use a comma or semi-colon after the first line. It's too choppy to keep that period. Other than that, you used one of my favorite techniques, which is "unnecessary specifics". If you look at my poetry, a common theme is just random specifics on numbers or height. However, the rest of the poem stays simple, showing contrast. Same thing with me adding things really depressing to things really funny, because it does show contrast, but it blends. "Unnecessary specifics" doesn't work in this poem. It feels unnecessary looking at the point of this. When I usually use it, it is supposed to show a sense of absurdity. This isn't supposed to be absurd. This also goes with the use of the names of authors and just simple things. Try to keep it more consistent.
I'm not going to be using breakdowns of nearly every stanza because it's not needed at this point. Grammar has already been broken down by others, I'm here to comment on the theme and delivery. Telling time at the beginning of stanzas (one day ago, one month ago, ten days ago, so on) is a common technique with this theme. Nothing different. It helped build up the understanding of the relationship and emotion in this poem. That made others feel broken, knowing that this was a great poem. This fell short for me. Something about it just didn't fully go through. Don't take that as a bad thing. I'm just trying to help. It's probably just me feeling this emotional wall preventing your arrow to stab me in the heart.
This is ridiculous, but in the same sense perfect. It's not something most people touch up on, and it made a lot of sense. If this was in any other poem, it would feel like a curveball that tries to feel heartbreaking. The build up and theme of this was a great set up. It worked, man.
This was a neat ending. Not much I can say about it. It's just me really blocking it from hitting. A re-write of this like Morrigan suggested would work good.
Good job, keep writing, and stay groovy!
Hey there Kat here to review ~ excuse typos I'm using an iPhone ...
I read this all through and thought wow who could have wrote this , of course it was you ! You never cease to amaze me with your talent .
So this was a really cute poem but I do have a couple nit picks . The day thing was confusing at first like I thought he was going back in time but also in the present and I didn't quite understand that you meant he was actually just remembering his life with her until the end so I'm not sure if you might wanna make that more understandable some how . Personal preference , I wish there was a stanza about their last month togather to really pull on the readers heart strings even more and ... How old were they ?
But , I know this is some pretty great work ! Very unique and well thought out . Unfortunately , I'm in writers block again ... Cherish your wealth of talent as it has served you very well .
I look forward to more
~ Kat
Ahoy, Cap'n!
Just to let you know about formatting, if you want a stanza break, you can just press enter without hitting shift. The squiggles are a tad distracting.
There are a few grammar errors that reviewers below me have pointed out, so I won't linger on that kind of mistake.
As for the content, I was surprised that Lou Gehrig's was mentioned in the poem, and I think that that surprise is a good thing. To be honest, I knew the wife was going to die from the very beginning, and I was expecting a beautiful death, but it wasn't.
So I really enjoy the freshness of the subject, but I think the execution could be better handled. At the end, I felt a twinge of sadness, yes, but I didn't really feel the pain that the narrator is feeling.
Instead of going through their whole relationship, take one moment and make it bigger. Take a moment in the hospital with just the wife and the husband and make that moment into the whole relationship. Poetry's strength lies in making the small details matter as much as the big things.
I do suggest re-writing the whole thing, but it is because I know that this has the potential for a lot more emotional impact than it has right now. Take a moment, a hand on another hand, something-- take it and make it the whole poem, the whole relationship, in one scene.
I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy YWSing!
I loved this piece. Being a frequent creator of poetry myself, I can definitely appreciate how this poem was conveyed. I honestly expected it to be happiness through-and-through, something I would have been more than okay with, however introducing the element of the fatal disease at the end took that happiness and crushed it, just like it did to the man (I can assume it was a man?) in the story. This piece is fantastic and deserves the very top of the Literary Spotlight for sure. Allow me to help you get there with one simple word;
Liked. ^^
"We have been married since 25 years. "
i think this would sound better if you said married for 25 years now. something like that. but its up to you.
"She was reading Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen"
i think i was thinking this was a note to his wife, so you would be apropriete, also for my wife... you.
These are just my suggestions, i would love to see this as a note to the wife, but all in all i loved every bit of it! great job keep up the good work.
Maddie
This is a rollercoaster of a poem. Up and up and up and up and waaaaaaaay back down. The flow is spot on even though there is no rhyme scheme that I could pick up on. It reminds me of how fragile togetherness is. When you have a significant other, or in this case a spouse, you plan to do everything together. There's nothing in the world that can stop you from being together. And then, before you know it, you're apart again.
I very much like the "no beating around the bush" style of this poem. There's no use of metaphor and as a result the poem is blunt and raw. It fits the subject very well.
Please keep writing. This piece exhibits some serious skill
Greetings and salutations! My name is Uriah, and I would like to give an unwarranted review on your poem, "We Met One Day Ago."
I enjoyed the progression of the skeletal story in this poem. Two compatible souls meeting in a book store (Incidentally, my favorite place to meet women.), blossoming the flower of their love through time and age, watering it with life experiences, childbearing and other rituals (By "rituals," I'm mainly referring to the repeating themes of Starbucks and reading).
I especially appreciate the often overlooked aspect of death presented in the ending. Love between people is a wonderful concept, but nobody is immune from death. This poem reflects this aspect, as it focuses on the widower and not the lovers.
At the end of true love, you're either dead or waiting to die. And that's sad. But not terrible.
Death may not be final, but may just be the end of the beginning. Alternatively, death may be final, the end of the end. We all have no option but to wait and see.
In the meantime, we're given choices, such as the choice to love and learn. Being aware that death is at the end of it all anyways means that it's up to you to decide if it's worth it.
Kudos, and "til' death do us part"