My sister gives me red roses,
ten times every year.
She freshly picks them,
from her garden with her sheers.
~
My sister gives me red roses,
they are very pretty.
She's very proud of what she has done,
it's nothing to pity.
~
My sister gives me red roses,
they are usually wet.
She tells me that she waters them before.
So I won't fret.
~
My sister gives me red roses,
I went to her garden today.
I only saw white roses and no red.
I was a bit confused, I should say.
~
My sister gives me red roses.
My mother died.
She was murdered,
I cried and cried.
~
My sister gives me red roses.
My father died the next day.
I don't know why,
so I decided to pray.
~
My sister gives me red roses.
Our parent's funeral is next week.
There are more deaths happening,
the killer must be on a streak.
~
My sister gives me red roses.
She got arrested though.
Apparently she was the murderer.
I didn't even know.
~
My sister gives me red roses.
I figured out why the roses are actually white first.
She dyes them red with blood of her victims.
I thought it was the worst.
~
My sister gives me red roses.
I bailed her out.
I knew I shouldn't have done it,
but she didn't doubt.
~
My sister used to give me red roses.
I killed her.
Now they are my white roses,
yet red I prefer.
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Wow! It turned so morbid in the end! (in a good way, though). VERY interesting theme, and it's quite nice.
A few things : The line " she freshly picks them" doesn't make sense. It should be " she picks them fresh from her garden" or something like that. Just saying!
The ninth stanza....ugh! *shudders*
Nice job! I love your unusual topics!
Mysticalxx
its soo oooo good and interesting poem. it is a ballad kind of poem which tells a story and should be accompanied by thrilling music. i have become a fan of yours . truly i am a fan of yours. the way you began first i felt that it would be a poem on sisterly affection with sister passionately giving roses to brother that too with so much care as not to fret i love it. then as the deaths began i thought that may be ur sister the next to be murdered but then as you said that she was the murderer and painted the roses red. then the ending and the last note that roses are white yet to u it appeals red.
I liked the repetition used in this poem, it made the suspense build. I think that to improve this though you should leave a little more to the reader's imagination, it could make the poem even more sinister.
I liked the repetition used in this poem, it made the suspense build. I think that to improve this though you should leave a little more to the reader's imagination, it could make the poem even more sinister.
That was...
inventively horrific.
You took something that sounded sweet and heartwarming and turned it into a swirling pile of evilness.
Now I'm not much of a poetry guy, it's not usually what I enjoy reading, but this was quite good.
Great job salty.
Hello!
I know I already kind of gave you a mini review of this in chat, but I'm here for a little more depth.
The thing I said about subtlety still stands. This poem doesn't let the reader infer anything and feel smart. By the time you tell the reader what's going on, most of them already know. Instead of straight-up telling them why the roses are red, just let them infer. We know the roses are wet, we know they were white, we know there were deaths. It doesn't take much to add 1 and 1 and 1. You only /really/ need two of those clues, to be honest.
I don't think you should have two stanzas saying pretty much the same thing, but you spend three stanzas saying pretty much "my mom died, then my dad died. boo hoo." That's a LOT of stanzas to spend on that simple thing. I say, just condense it into one stanza.
Next up: Rhyme. Oh rhyming. Whoever thought you up? I have done a LOT of reviews where I explain rhyming. I'm just going to quote a previous review of mine to save time trying to think up a new way to say it:
(all of this applies to your poem too)
mmkay? Poems don't have to rhyme, and most of the time they sound better if they don't.
I kind of wish that the sister killed the MC at the end... and now he's a ghost. I would have enjoyed that ending a lot more. As it is, I don't really get it. He bailed her out then killed her. It all seems rather anti-climactic.
Also, I still don't get WHY the sister gives the MC roses dipped in blood. Does she have a fascination with him? is he the only person who was ever nice to him? What is the significance of "ten times a year?" What times of year are those? You add these details that are sure to cause questions, but don't answer them. It makes me disappointed :[
I think that's mostly what I got. I do like this poem, don't get me wrong, but I really wanted to help you.
You have great POETential. C:
Always keep writing! Don't let anyone get you down! Let me know if you have questions.
~fortis
Thanks!
Hey, yo, CaptainSaltWater! Strange here on this fantastic review day and I have a review for you!
Okay, as you know, I'm a follower of your poetry. I usually read and try to review the majority of works you put out. You do have quite a bit of talent, but you never use all of it. There are usually slight hints of genius in your work, but you haven't really expanded it. However, I must admit, this is your best poem yet.
We all have common themes in our poetry. I have a mass contrast of what's depressing and what's funny, and I smack them together. You tend to stick with the darker stuff. The more edgier stuff, I must say. This doesn't really help your poetry at all, as it dampens your poetry skills. I would recommend being a bit more light hearted when it comes to darker material.
For example, the main problem with this poem is its progression. It escalates too quickly. It goes from slight roses, and just slight hints of love, yet you step it up a notch and make it so the mother has been murdered. That seems too unrealistic, to be completely honest. You're just shoving the darkness down our throats, which I didn't like.
The last stanza had a major problem with this, as I don't see why you would murder your sister anyways. Sure, I understand she offed your mom but the fact that you bailed her out as she was going to die anyways just to kill her? I can't feel any real emotion or sympathy with the MC for this fact. You escalate the poem too much.
However, I must admit, the stanza structures and repetition were used better than ever. The line cuts were neat, it kept it flowing, and you got your point across. Usually. When escalating other poetry of yours, it becomes much more choppier. This was clean cut and ran smoothly. Huge props on that, man. Best yet from you, and I hope to see more (yet less darker) poetry from you.
Good job, keep writing, and stay groovy!
Thanks! Very helpful.
CaptainSaltWater, this is a well written, creepy, and vengeful story poem. It's like reading the backstory of a villain. This is how the MC became the way they are. Structurally, it's really neat and organized. Each stanza is a scene that leads right into the other. I dig the rhymes. Not sure that it needs to be centered, but I guess that makes it visually pleasing. I'm left wondering if the narrator inherited the same habits as the sister. Does he/she kill for fun, or for whatever reason? I feel like the line "and red I prefer" implies that the speaker has become a murderer like the sister. I would love to see you expand this to detail the speaker's adult life. I see a dark vigilante in the making. The symbolism of the white roses painted with blood represents loss of life, loss of childhood innocence, and the betrayal of family. It also had me in mind of Alice in Wonderland. That could be an interesting twist.
It was a really enjoyable read!
- Dream.
Thanks!