color between the black solid lines
invalid
dot your i's and cross your t's
invalid
capitalization and punctuation
invalid
when did rules, policies, and guidelines
come along
the world
would be more interesting and creative
without them
-
boundaries impound and lock us
in a graveyard of order
-
you and your rules are invalid
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,032 Literary Works • 672,909 Reviews
Hey there. I'm Jonathan, here to review your poem. Let's get right into it.
And my second example-- as for verbs, I'd try cutting out the "lock". "Impound" is much stronger/more evocative than "lock" and you won't be wasting words this way. Keep writing.
It's really rare that I love the execution of a poem like this. Generally, structure can be abused so that the words are all over the page and it's visually hard to digest the ideas behind the poem, but this is execution manages to be complex and yet elegant to read. In addition, your imagery is simple and bold, and I love that. Excellent job!
Anyway. Onto three suggestions I have for you. You can take or leave these-- it's 100% up to you! Okay:
Firstly, I'd love to hear one more repeat of this "invalid" refrain. You already have a strong, consistent pattern, but it's be even stronger/more consistent if you included one more refrain. I'd suggest it to be in the form of your first three lines. That way you set up the pattern and then wrap it up in the last couple stanzas.
Secondly, just a visual edit. Currently, the third "invalid" and the "when did rules, policies, and guidelines" are a little visually confusing to me, just because my eyes had just gotten into a rhythm (left right left right left right). Tell me if this sounds insane, but I think that this is another thing that could be fixed by my first edit. Adding another line / another use of the refrain would really solidify the pattern before moving onto something else. Just a wacky suggestion.
And finally, I'd check out how evocative some of your adjectives/verbs are. Two examples. Firstly, for adjectives, "interesting" always falls flat. No matter what. "Interesting" has been used for so many /not interesting/ things that it's lost it's meaning. You can replace that with any other adjective that communicates more. Basically anything other than interesting.
Jonathan
Thank you!
Hey it's Mitkay leaving something for ya.
The title OMG I love it, I thought the poem was going to blow my mind after I read but hey
you write what you can. I love the poem even though I was disappointed, I just think the poem
needed more emotions, something is kind of missing in the poem. I like how you talk about
laws and boundaries in the poem. The title is what really drew me in. People have different
style, lack of commas and questions marks kind of make sense somewhat. Keep up the good
work anyway. P.S try a little harder next time, make your readers feel the poem, not like
they are just reading some lines.Overall it was okay and I kind of like it.
Heyya! I just wanted to say, I read the review below about how you're "contradicting yourself" n all that jazz - and I'd like to say how I totalllly disagreee! Don't get me wrong - review below was quite cool and there were valid points but I just thought I'd say i personally don't think you are.
I really liked this poem, and its title really drew me in. It totally wasn't what I was picturing it to be. I was expecting some sort of self image thing of being "invalid" but you surprised me - which is awesome!
I love the rebellious feel to this poem - going against the laws of punctuation with your lack of commas when listing "rules policies guidelines" - that I thought was really creative and I really enjoyed reading this.
Your writing seriously has potential , I have no criticisms just wanted to let you know
Lauren
Hey, yo, Elysium/ADMANFLOWMAN! Strange here on this decent Thursday afternoon and I have a review for you as always.
It has been a long time since I have been in this exact position. You took a break for a while, which left me sad, but YWS is glad to have you back. Now you have posted this poem, and I'd like to say that it's still amazing how far your style has progressed over the past two years. It's evident that you have grown more comfortable with writing and manipulating poetry to the style of your choosing. That's awesome.
However, your style fades in this poem. I guess you can say it becomes "Invalid", somewhat. The problem is that you try hard to prove the point that poetry rules aren't necessary. I agree that they aren't, but you go in the simplest routes possible to express it. Sure, you did add an artistic twist, but that artistic twist was expected. To sum up what I'm trying to say, you aren't taking the road less followed by, but at the same time you are. Let's get into this, shall we?
This is the only line I don't understand. What do you mean by color between the black solid lines? This can mean one of two things; either flooding tildes between each line or spacing them out so it's all white. No matter what, if either of those are "invalid", you still break it later on in the poem with the use of the hyphen/no use of the hyphen. If you're talking about stanzas? Okay, I can see that. Somewhat. You still break what you're trying to go against if that is your point.
I might as well comment on this when I have a chance. This part is kind of humorous to me. It's taking itself too serious, like you aren't having fun with it. If you want to have fun with breaking poetry rules, go all out. Chimp out. Go insane. You are doing the typical slam-poem beat that, obviously, isn't invalid. If I could offer any suggestion, if you were to rework this, either go crazy with your ideas or remove those.
EEEDDDGGYYY. Kidding, of course. But yeah, it doesn't sound like you're having fun. You're aiming for mysteriousness, instead, which just doesn't work. Everyone wants to be mysterious, serious, and to prove a point. That isn't the only way you can go. You can start going off-the-wall with metaphors and wacky ideas. It'll not only be more enjoyable for the reader, but for you as well. I love having fun while I write poetry. You should too!
DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THIS LINE.
When poets write poetry that "abandons" rules, they also believe in what will help the flow. When I write "artistic" poetry, I use commas to my advantage, but when I don't want commas, I don't leave the line without commas and that's it. In an unreleased poem, I used the line "Carefreecardiacarrest" because I wanted it to be rushed. So, if you want to help the poem out, either combine them or add commas. Poets abide to the rules when they make sense.
So....you want us to purge? You want to have the ability to kill your neighbor? Alright, broseph. I can't trash you for your opinions.
Kidding, but really, can you imagine how much of a hell hole the world would be without rules? That's not something you should advocate.
This is ironic because you don't follow some rules and at the same time you follow other rules. That's the biggest problem I have with this poem. It's, in a sense, contradicting. You don't want that to happen. You follow line rules, format rules, italics even. You could have taken this an interesting route, and instead you went the way that was expected.
Overall, I want to like this. This has a lot of potential. I just want you to be experimental. That would make the poem better, impressive. Everything is there in this poem, so it'd be awesome if you could expand on it. On comparative terms, you have come a long way. I am proud to see that from you, Cappy.
Good job, keep writing, and stay groovy!
Thank you!
so that's a bit different I did not under stand most of it but you no what no one is perfect no story is perfect ether but that can be fixt with a lot of practice and hard work and sellf confidants but I realy like the profile pic. But between 1 and 10 the story is about a 3 or 4 but that is just me there might be other people that really like this stuff but until then just a little practice can go a long way so just work at it and I am shore that one day you will do AMAZING!