It's a restless night.
I can't sleep.
I tried everything,
even counting sheep!
-
From aromatherapy,
to warm baths.
I just had to suffer,
insomnia's wrath.
-
I tried Zen remedies,
but those didn't work.
I even compared myself to,
a lazy twenty-hour hour store clerk.
-
Everyone's asleep,
everyone but me.
I guess I have insomnia,
as you can see.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,359 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hello fellow demigod (i hope, haha) i often had sleep problems too. Simple and to the point about the problems of sleeping, i like how it how it agrees with everyone. Because we have had sleeping problems at some point. You were unique with your rhyme scheme which is so cool, having your poem rhyme line every other line. Keep writing its awesome!
Hi unknown391625!
I noticed your avatar was a Percy Jackson fan art (right?) Do you read Percy Jackson too? But that's beside the point, I'm here to review you extremely realistic poem here!
This was a nice poem, and I'm sure a lot of us readers could relate to it! Also, I haven't had time to check the previous reviews, so I'm sorry if I repeat anything...
First off, the hyphens that you've added in the middle of the stanzas are quite unnecessary, since normally we add hyphens in the middle of stanzas to indicate a difference in time, point of view, etc. There isn't any such evident difference in your stanzas, so you could make that small correction.
Because these two line are separate, that is, ending in fullstops/periods and because the second line is comparatively short, they cause a slightly jerky flow in the reading of this poem. I considered that this is your writing style, but if you wish to improve this, here's a suggestion-
OR
I liked the enthusiastic end of the first stanza!
The word 'just' isn't quite right here. We normally use 'just' to either express that we did something 'just now' or to say that something isn't all that big, such as "It's just a wasp, Cathy! It won't kill you!" Over here, it seems like you are trying to trivialize your lack of sleep, which is the complete opposite of this poem's aim. You could correct it by replacing the word 'just', such as-
Something like that, this was all I could think off.
The comma up there after 'to' isn't required there. I think you meant 'twenty-four' not 'twenty-hour', you must have made a typing slip up!
These lines were the best in the poem!
The ending of the poem was a bit of a downer...
I liked the way you've given me and the other readers so many ideas on how to get to sleep! Keep writing!
Hello review time with Romania. ~ I can see this being a picture book with Dr. Suess illustrations. Its just the way the poems flows ands its easy read. I don't know if you were aiming for this level of writing but its a marvelous job. I don't think the hyphen is nessessary between each stanza but whatever. My favorite part is the last stanza.
Thanks! Sometimes, people use something to separate their stanzas. I use hyphens, but you don't have to separate the stanzas with anything.
I'm not going to get into punctuation errors. But you have one spelling mistake. The "twenty-our hour" in the last line, third stanza should be "twenty-four hour." Other than that I think the poem's fine, I like the flow and can really sense your distress in not being able to sleep. So keep up the good work.
Hey un, Writer here to give a review!
So I've always liked this poem style, in which a problem is stated and its failed solutions are presented after.
You did a pretty good job with that
So I'm going to go stanza by stanza and point out what needs to be worked on. This poem has potential, and I think you definitely need to tweak a few things
I see you use the traditional AB rhyme scheme here for this style of poem. When you do this, you want to keep the rhythm the same for a smoother flow. Looking at the rest of your stanzas, you use a comma after the first line, rather than a period. To keep that flow and consistency, change that period to a comma after "night."
"I" should be changed to "I've", since you're stating you did this already. The last line needs a little change... "counting" just doesn't seem right here. I even counted sheep! fits better here
I just feel the commas in this stanza are unnecessary. I know you're trying to create pauses here, plus maintain consistency of your poem, but the pauses just didn't need to be here. At the end of each line, the reader is already going to pause, and then when you add a comma, it gives us an even bigger pause.
Again, the same thing here with the commas. The pauses were not needed.
Also the last line was a bit of a mouth full and broke the rhythm, so I would work shortening that
This ending was very disappointing to me... I mean, you build it up with quirks, but then you end it with "as you can see". I didn't exactly enjoy that... i felt you could've ended the poem with a far quirkier line, or something funny, since poems like this are meant to cause a laugh (correct me if I'm wrong). Plus, the speaker already says they have insomnia, so the repetition is kind of like you didn't know what else to add at the end >.< I would work on ending the poem better.
Praise
So I really liked the different ideas of how to conquer insomnia
You just need to work on word choice a little bit more, maybe a different word besides insomnia to add more originality to the poem
Keep writing!
Thanks! I will take in consideration of what you said. And also, I was inspired to write this after one of my restless night. I could sleep until 3 am.