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139,616 Literary Works • 672,627 Reviews
Legacy here for a review.
I like how you compared death to a soul catcher and did not paint him as a negative or a positive entity. But I did not like how you kept it so short. I would like to see this expanded and explained more of how death does what they do and if they like doing it etc.
I agree with cytochrome when they say that you don't need the italics when they are already stand alone lines.
Overall, I would recommend some slight editing and expansion before this is a final draft. Legacy.
Heya!
(forgive me if I mess up some bb code).
Since this is such a short poem I'm gonna give it a line by line and an overall conclusion to my feelings on this work.
The opening line isn't very strong as it doesn't really present a full idea, its a transition to the rest of the idea. Normally I wouldn't even mention it, but because of the italics in the second line:
I feel like your opening line should be rethought. The italics draw my eye already, so i don't really need help getting there, if you know what I mean? I feel like your opening could be reworked or you could lose the italics and still have everything work.
I'm really really loving the contrast between death, a biological process, and machinery jargon. Beautiful! The only issue I have is its very syllable-y and a bit chunky, I think you could rework it and make it smoother but just yes loving it!
Same issue with the first, if I'm being lead to the thought, I don't need the italics to get there. Especially since it's a standalone line. You don't need any extra impact the italics give, your own words do brilliantly!
Overall, really enjoyed the poem! Most of my little not picks were structural, but I would also like to see you expand on the poem, give it a bit more depth, especially with the organic/mechanical contrasts, and really get your ideas across! I wasn't a fan of the note at the end, it kinda ruined the fun of dissecting the poem. Otherwise, brilliant job!