Dreams and Feelings

Hello, I thought I'd come to review this because the title looked quite interesting, and it's eyecatching.

While this has meaning in it, and I think it has very deep content (especially displayed in the last line), I think the rhyme scheme doesn't quite work. You have lines that are all rhyming, and then suddenly, the scheme falls apart.

The line: "It ended up very haggard" ruins the rhythm. You have a nice, flowy rhythm up until that point, and then it just sounds very out of place. The first four lines are enjoyable to read, as they are subtle but convey a lot, but the lines with the words 'disaster' and 'haggard' completely break apart the subtletly and sound very wooden. (Sorry, maybe not the clearest word, but the only one that really describes it.)

Also, this is something that just caught my eye, but it really only matters if you want to think about it. It's a little too vague for me. Maybe think about what is the disaster? What do these people not care about? Why are your dreams shattered? It conveys meaning, but has room to include more.

These two lines could maybe have more complexity:

"Dreams are shattered,
Feelings are battered"

The rhythm, while it is not bad, sounds a little bit flat, and needs something to jazz it up a bit. Maybe add a simile, or metaphor. It would be a bit more interesting to read and more mysterious and ethereal.

Overall, it's a nice poem. I think my favourite thing was the content. It clearly had some deep meaning, but the rhyme scheme let it down a bit. I know I loaded on quite a few critiques in this review, but this is only my opinion.

I don't like this. I'll tell you why.

The rhyming really is elementary. You choose such simple words, battered shattered scattered tattered disaster (which BREAKS the rhyme pattern) haggard (have no idea what this means) else (breaks it once again) and mattered. This seems like a kid who discovers a Dr. Seuss book and tries to copy it to mimic him, except with a serious tone. That doesn't really work well with the reader, as the limitation the rhyming sets absolutely destroys the quality of this poem. Not to mention it seems like a beginning poem. I do hope that there are much better works. I apologize if I was harsh. Only speaking my opinion. Also the topic was okay.

thanks.

This poem was great <3 If it were only longer, that would be great!

Hey, yo, Elysium! Strange here on this wonderful day and I have a review for you!

Okay, Cappy, I told you I am going to do something interesting. A word by word review. It is supposed to help me as a reviewer to experiment more with technicality and have better understanding. That being said, this is basically a publicity stunt but with heart. I will be trying my best to give you the best review I could.

Dreams

are

shattered

,

Feelings

are

battered

,

Our

hearts

were

scattered

,

Our

souls

were

tattered

.

It

was

a

big

disaster

,

It

ended

up

very

haggard

,

But

to

everybody

else

,

It

never

really

mattered

.

Your poem says that people don't care about your feelings. Okay. Simple enough, care to go a little further?

Care to describe why people don't care about other peoples feelings. Do you want to express that people should? Why do your feelings matter? Do they matter more than your physical well being? Do they matter more than other peoples feelings or physical well-being?

Keep going. The poem should ask a question and then answer it with question.

When I lay my eyes on a short poem I tend to expect that it is either a riddle or a poem withholding an intense message. This poem prominently reveals the speaker's negative outlook towards life. However, the way the poem is written does not attach the reader to the words. When writing short poems like this, it is essential to captivate the reader to your words. As a reader I felt too detached from the situation to be able to sympathise or place any other feeling towards it. This is probably because the poem contains words which are too vast to be used in a short poem. For example; " It was a big disaster". You are talking about too many things at the same time. You need to choose one string and hold on to it. Make it more specific. You are using intense words like "shattered" and "battered" which are meant to arise deep emotions within an individual yet the reader is unable to find these feelings since he is unaware of the cause.

Regarding your choice of words, I advice you to change the word "scattered" in the third verse. This is because the word doesn't seem to fit in your context. The word scattered means to be thrown in various directions and I'm not sure whether that's what you wanted to say. In my opinion it would be better like this : "Our hearts were shattered". This creates the imagery of your heart being made from fine glass which couldn't stand the tremor it passed through. This is just an idea.

Apart from this, I advice you to find a focusing point in your poem especially since you are writing a short poem. It is ideal for a short poem to contain one message that leaves an imprint on the reader. Once you choose your main focus you should emphasize more about it or use more intense words when it comes to it. When reading this poem I felt like you are jumping from one point to another disabling the reader from gripping on what you actually want to express through this poem. The first two verses seem to focus on how there is nothing to look forward to in life. The third and forth seem to be into a more personal level yet the reader is confused to whether you are referring to anyone in particular or human beings in general. The fifth and sixth verses seem to be too out of context since they are too broad. Meanwhile the ending verses seem to have been intended as a focusing point.

Even though this was a short poem I got a bit lost reading it since there was not a strong focusing point. I maintain that with a few alterations this could be a great poem. I suggest to arrange the first six verses and leave the last two verses as they are making them the focusing point if that is what you initially intended.

My last advice is to come up with a more attiring title. However, I would suggest that you make the alterations required to the poem before you do so.

Well, I hope that my suggestions will be of help to you If you have any queries please don't hesitate to ask.

This is completely untrue in my opinion, but it is your poem :3 I will be back for a real review later

I don't know how I feel about this poem. I like that it short and is to the point, it helps get the message across clear than if it as a long poem about shattered dreams and feelings. I did not like the fact that it rhymed. i kind of feel that everyone on this site feels that their poetry isn't good enough if it doesn't rhyme. Sometimes rhyme takes away from the emotion and drama of the poem and I think this one of those times. When you read a poem that rhymes you focus on the poems flow but not the emotion behind it, the words are lost to you because you're checking if the writer rhymed properly or your think of better ways you can make it rhyme yourself. I think you should find a way to convey the emotions behind this poem and it will improve it, the poem can rhyme if you want it to but it won't improve until that emotion is seen there and felt. that's just my opinion.

This is definitely unique to what I have read before. I've never read a poem with constant rhyming for almost the whole poem except for one line. That's very unique.

I'm most certainly glad that your second to last line didn't rhyme because I feel like that would have been too much without any changing. So that's real good that you did that.

I also like the word HAGGARD. It's just kind of a fun word to say so it was nice to read it in your poem. I would wonder what you might be trying to get at with this poem but my guess is that it is about a break up or something. Not that it matters.

All in all I enjoyed this poem.

Only one critique. I think if after each phrase.

"Dreams are shattered"
"Feeling are battered"
Etc.

I think if you put periods after those short sentences rather than commas. Just because it makes more sense rather than after only the end of what I'm guessing you were wanting to be four line stanzas . None the less keep it up!

Wolverene13