The Summoning: Chapter 3

Timmy hereeee, as requested.

Let's see what we can do here. c: With pieces like this, when I don't know what's going on in your plot, I try to stick to the technical side of things as best I can. If I see something I think is out of place, I'll point it out. But I'll do my best to stick to what I know here. xd

down on the floor." Thomas said with

Okay, so this is a simple thing to fix. When you have a dialogue tagline like "Thomas said", it's connected to the preceding sentence. So, you need to have it like this: down on the floor," Thomas said with.... The best thing to do in this case is to either a) have a tagline and nothing else. Remember the only purpose of the tagline is to indicate Thomas is speaking. Or b) To only have the action or emotion attached to the dialogue - cutting the tagline.

He replied. He turned around

So this part? The he replied section isn't necessary as the following sentence tells the reader that He was the one speaking. Remember: one or the other, but not both. c:

One of the most important things to keep in mind while writing is keeping your sentences broken up, never using the same style over and over again. Throughout many parts of this, your narrative gets stilted and rather awkward to read because so many of your sentences are short, and bear the same style. Remember to use as many styles as you can! Think of it like talking. When you're talking, do you use the same kind of sentence over and over again. Our minds work in a million different directions, and so our speech does, too. Try to funnel that into your writing and avoid sentence redundancy. Even though redundancy is usually just spoken about concerning words, I think it's applicable to anything repeated without a purpose.

Now short sentences? That's another thing to talk about. I used to use short sentences whenever I felt like it, and throughout the piece. I'm telling you, my sentences were so awful. -_- And throughout the years, and with the help of some amazing mentors, I've mostly grown out of that permanent usage (I still use shorter sentences than most). When doing a narrative, like describing a place or movement of a character, try to make your sentences longer to maintain a flow. Remember, remember - keeping everything fluid like cream should be your goal, so your writing is easier for a reader to take in. But that doesn't mean don't use short sentences! Here's the thing: short sentences bring a mood with them. They're amazing for usage in action scenes, because the entire ambience of the story changes. Your reader may not notice it, but they actually read faster with short sentences. It speeds up the scene, which helps maintain an exciting and charged atmosphere. So remember that balance. c:

Now, 7 years

I believe it's proper, unless you're using dates, to write the numbers out. So, seven years.

It was my dad

You're missing a little bit of punctuation on the end of this.

So this may be something from the previous chapter I missed, but I'm going to point it out anyway. The big gash on his back? Um, why wasn't it bleeding before? Whenever he got the big cut, it would have starting bleeding right then. And also, if he got the cut in the chapter and never knew it, why wasn't there the pain involved? To me, it seemed as though it just felt "funny" or something - but not a sharp pain like a cut is like. c:

Bathrooms have paper towels? Ohhh... church bathroom. I get it. Paper towels got me confused for a minute there, just because they're usually something you'd find in a kitchen or something. xd

One more thing: If there is this big slash on his shoulder, why couldn't his parents see the blood through his shirt? That would have been a HUGE indication to me, when looking at him, to see that not everything was going alright. I'm not sure? It just seems so blatantly obvious that his parents had to have seen it. Just a thought.

. I started sobbing

One thing I'm also noticing in this chapter is a lack of personality in the character. There are many places where you do a wonderful job in showing his personality and everything, but in many places (like the one above), I feel as though we're going through the actions and never like we're actually inside his mind. This is first-person, too, so you have sooo many chances to use it to your advantage, and it's so powerful for bringing an emotion over to the reader. So remember that as you go along. Bring emotion into your writing more, and if you ever have an issue writing down the feelings of your character, try to make it personal. How you would feel, and then write it out like you'd do a diary entry. And it'll speak out to your reader as well as you. c:

To be honest, I did find the part about how his wound just healed by a little prayer a little... convenient? Maybe if you make it more difficult, stretch the scene out for a little longer - make it so that he's giving up on his prayer.... and then it happens. And what does he feel there? Perhaps you could bring in a very powerful and soothing sensation sweeping over him. Don't forget the feels! It brings your story into your reader and allows them to feel what your character does. :3

While I'm speaking of this, let's talk for a moment about your scenes. When your character would go into a place, there wasn't enough description or set-up of the new building/place for me to get a solid picture. The church was a big one for me, as there are so, so many churches and religions out there (and believe it for not, having the character a certain religion will really push their character forward in the eyes of a reader), and you never described the church. I gathered that he was 1) inside a church, and 2) there was a sanctuary in it. Other than that, the picture was almost blank. So take that bare-boned picture and build upon it? Just go over it and see where you need more description, and go from there. It's better to have too much than too little. If there's too much, then you can remove some later (as I do in edits), but your readers will still have an image to grasp. If you have too little, your readers will have nothing.

I don't know if the church is in previous chapters and described there, but as it stands in this chapter, it seemed a bit too stripped-down for me. c:

So I didn't go through very many of the positive and good points of this chapter, did I? My main reason for that is because this is a review request, so I figure I only have a certain amount of time, so give them the most help possible. xD But there was so much about this chapter to rave about. I don't have a good handle on the plot because, well, this is a middle chapter so there's not much to grasp of the plot, and I'm a bit confused. But that's okay, because this was fun to read on its own. You have a very simple, but riveting style, and I love that your dialogue is so so realistic. They talk like, well, normal people. xd What description you do have is wonderfully written, and I think with a bit more, you could really have some amazing and full descriptions in here. Make us cry from the beauty, they will. c:

Keep writing on this. Keep persisting. You'll get there. This was a great read. :3
~Darth Timmyjake

"Alright, so what I want you to do is sit down on the floor."

Saying so what i want you to do, implies that the end goal is what follows. Just say Alright, sit down on the floor.

with a huge smile of excitement on his face.

this is weird, i recommend saying something like With a huge smile on his face, his excitement showing clearly (still not perfect, but an idea).

just like what he told me.

take this out, its not needed

I thought it was interesting.

take out I thought.

It was going really well, actually.

take out the comma.

Thomas asked her many things.

Thomas questioned her intently? that sounds better.

Now, 7 years into today,

take this out. or change it. I recommend taking it out. there could be a way to fix it i guess

The planchette started moving in figure eights across the board.

started moving in a figure eight pattern on the board.

The room of sin has been entered by me and I am getting out of it!

reword this, its weird.
you use "said" a lot. You need more adverbs i think. Adjectives are good too.