i.
As I stare off at the wall in front of me, my mind dances into him. His dark-colored skin. His dark brown eyes that reminded me of home. His voice sounds like a melodic violin concerto. When he smiles, he says to me without even speaking, "Everything will be okay." I felt like the safest person alive. I felt like I could never be hurt.
ii.
We're 397 miles apart from each other. The thought of him not physically being there made me feel like a small island hidden away in the middle of a sapphire-colored ocean. Exchanging texts or Skype calls wasn't enough. I said "I miss you" more than "I love you". Missing him was the best thing I did when we dated.
iii.
He brought me happiness, he brought me pain. Now, I sit here in the darkest days, even feeling more lonely. Knowing that he won't be there anymore, it punches a hole deep into my heart where it cannot be filled with the lightest of emotions. I would talk with him to the end of our days.
iv.
"We should be friends," he simply requests. I agree, yet I do not speak to him anymore.
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Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hey!
Good story but... I was left wanting more. For one thing, you had barley any detail. What did he do to make her not talk to him again? What caused them to be 397 miles apart? Who are they? How did they meet? What caused the situation? You are too sparing with your details. You really need some more details and a plot line. I was confused about what was going on.
Hello!
I really like this short story, and how it transitioned from happy to sad - it felt very real and relatable
The only thing I would point out is that in the first part, you used the word 'dark' to describe both his skin and his eyes, maybe be a bit more descriptive so we can get a clearer image on the character?
Other than that, really enjoyed it - good work
Hello!
Your story is the definition of short and sweet.
It start out expressing happiness, safety and warmth and ends showing the sorrow after a breakup because of distance, (which is the worst kind of breakup).
I also feel like it portrays character development really nicely, and it isn't overly descriptive (which can get boring), but it isn't under descriptive (which gives the reader nothing to picture.)
I also really really really liked the last segment. Again, its simple, but it tells a lot. Just by the four words "we should be friends", I knew there was a breakup. I knew something had happened between the two of them, and even though it wasn't told directly, I could infer it from that phrase.
The only small thing I didn't understand.
You wrote "missing him was the best thing I did when we were together."
What does this mean? How can you miss someone when your with them?
I don't know if I'm missing something here, but can you clarify it for me? Haha.
Okay anyways, I really enjoyed this piece and I look forward to seeing more by you!
XXX,
sapphireluna
I actually never realized that whole part about missing him when we were together. I never thought about that until now. I guess I was trying to mean that that missing him was the best thing I did when we dated.
Hi Ely, have a nice day.
It's like a short story that looks more like a poem that tells your expression of feelings toward him. You are good at playing with language using comparison / parable (Simile) which I think is quite interesting to read, and it's easy to understand.
There's only a little thing that I thought was rather stirring the overall structure of the short story, where you have already chosen a specific title about the colors of him but you also compare him without context or without regard to the color. Overall, I think this story can be developed with a clearer direction because the short story is quite challenging to be served with a lot of things that you want to express.
Keep writing n good luck
What an interesting little story! It flows beautifully, and is short and sweet
I enjoyed the theme of color and light through the whole thing, it gave it flow.
It was so short that it's almost like a poem, in the description and level of emotion. It tugged at my heart, because I can relate... That's probably one of the best things about this. It's relate-able.
Very cute, very sad. Keep writing!
Haiii!
This is really cool! I like how it transitions from a happy scene to a sad one. I didn't really get when you wrote, "Missing him was the best thing I did when we were together." But I really liked the line, '" I said "I miss you" more than "I love you"."' It really makes it feel like their love for each other is obvious, but something had gone wrong.
Squirtlepowiee
Hello!
and I can't wait to see what else you got tucked up your sleeve.
I really loved this short story; its so simple and sweet and beautifully written. Almost poetic, in a kind of way, and honestly, the only problem I had with it is I seriously wanted it to be longer so I could read more and more! Also: "As I stare at the brick wall, my mind dances into him." which threw me off for a second, the brick wall sort of being a random imagery in this lovely piece. But hey, that's just me
rosette
Remington38 here, pleasure to meet you.
This was a wonderful little short story, it was packed to the brim with emotions that's I am still feeling now even while writing this reveiw. This is very relatable and I can feel all of this right along side the speaker. This was so elegantly written and pieced together perfectly I absolutely loved it. Also the ending ties it up perfectly and honestly I feel a lot of empathy for the speaker. You are a very talented writer.