I'm from the bell of my trumpet
and the tip of my paintbrush.
I'm from the middle of intelligence,
and the edge of weirdness.
-
I'm from the start line of a long distance race
and the exhaustion at the end.
I'm from the first page of a novel,
going on to the end, one by one.
-
Yet I also know I'm not from normality
or anything that I don't do.
I'm from my heart
and I will follow it.
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140,145 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Wow, one of my favorite kinds of poems are "I Am" poems...! They are so heartfelt and they allow you to express yourself and let others know a little more about you. I like how you also have a little bit of structure.. well done! I really like this poem and I hope to see more work from you! (by the way I did not see anything wrong with the poem...)
Hello!
I like the concept of this poem ^^
Know that all of these are just suggestions and you don't have to listen to any of them.
One thing I didn't like were the last two lines of the first stanza. They felt a bit... braggy, and too introspective for this part of the poem. Plus, the last line is very similar to the first line of the last stanza, so you really don't need it. I think you should have these concrete places that you're from at first, and then at the end, like you have it, you can be from more metaphorical places. Honestly, just delete the last to lines of the first stanza. That's my advice anyway.
You use the word "end" twice in the second stanza, and I don't like that. Perhaps you should use "finish" or "conclusion" or some other synonym for "end" for one of them.
Also, "one by one" doesn't really make sense. I suggest saying "page by page," but then you'd be saying page 3 times in the second stanza, and I'd suggest saying "beginning" or something instead of first page.
I also don't like the verb "going on" there. It's so nondescriptive. You could say some other much more descriptive verb like "forging on" or something.
"Or anything that I don't do" reads super awkward. I suggest you just cut it. I know what you were trying to say, but honestly, to me it sounds a bit redundant from the beginning of the poem, and it's just a weak thing to say there in general.
following your heart is so cliche. I don't know what to advise you to change it to, but I do advise you change it.
I really like the first two lines of the first stanza, and the ideas that you present in this poem! You're definitely improving, cap!
Great job, keep writing! Let me know if you have any questions.
~fortis
Also I really like Pocket's review, and she really hit on why I don't like the last two lines of the first stanza, and I agree with her on the rest of what she said.
Thanks!
Hey, Elysium (finally spelled that right)! cleverclogs here to save you from the Green Room!
I like the the imagery in these lines, and also how they tell us about you. You could've just said, "I'm from my trumpet yo", but instead you chose to word this so that it sounded more poetic.
I agree with Pocket. These lines suffer from being both too abstract and too "tell-y" (that's totally a word). You've lost the imagery from the first two lines, and you're pretty much telling us that you're smart and weird. Instead of "the edge of weirdness", you could give us something more concrete that shows us your weirdness.
The problem with this is that it could go too much into "look at me, I'm special" territory. Maybe to avoid this, you could say something like, "I'm from the club of this-or-that". Something that shows us that you're weird without being blatant about it (I'm being really picky).
I like the first line here for the same reason I like the first two lines in the poem- the imagery and what it tells us about you. The second line, however, strikes me as odd. Maybe it's because if you take out the "start line" part, it reads, "I'm from... the exhaustion at the end". It doesn't really make sense. Perhaps replacing it with something like "the lovely shower I take at the end" would work. Or wherever it is you go when you finish a race. I haven't played a sport since first grade, so I wouldn't know. o.o
This is good, but I'd like to see some more emotion incorporated into this. Maybe you could describe the excitement of starting a novel somewhere in here.
The "yet" here gives me the impression that you've been saying you don't know where you're from. This could be an interesting idea for a spin on the "where I'm from" theme. Like, "I don't know where I'm from, but it's not this". I'd recommend looking at that to find a way to reword it so it doesn't give me that impression. This line also has the problem of not offering any concrete imagery, so I'll leave that for you to work on.
Bah, I don't care what Pocket says. I love these lines. Maybe I'm just sentimental, but I thought it was a great way to wrap up the poem. I think that ending it with anything else just would have made it sound stilted and awkward. Good job.
Overall, I liked this poem. It offered some really good imagery, but it could have been better if you'd used it throughout the whole poem. Keep up the great work!
Thank you!
Hahaha, I did one of these for my English class once! It was fun..
Why...
this is a wonderful personal poem
it's expressive
it's funny and entertaining.
it's something to enjoy.
kudos!
there doesn't seem to be much rhyme or techniques, but I'm not a big techniques knowing person, that's my only (not even) negative.
still a wonderful poem
Thank you, yet it is not supposed to rhyme.
This begins in a very interesting way and then immediately heads straight downhill. What goes from a interesting, fresh image soon degrades into useless generalizations and unspecific ideas. "Middle of intelligence" and "edge of weirdness," don't offer any image to think of or any narrative to follow. It's bland. Using concepts, large ideas that don't really have any specific pictures to go along with them, doesn't give us anything interesting to look at or relate to. They just kind of float there. The next stanza in totality is fairly generic, and doesn't really move us anywhere, but seems to just be there in order to be there. It's saying that your beginning is at a beginning and then your end is at an end -- it doesn't offer anything.
The next stanza seems to wrap up everything in a somewhat cheesy conclusion, as if the poem itself wasn't enough to get the reader there (which it isn't, really). It seems like it's a pretty typical "I'm weird and love myself anyway so THERE," which has been said many times. It's alright to repeat themes -- that's how language and literature work, and it's impossible to use entirely original and fresh ideas, but when recycling sentiment, it's important to put it in an interesting way, or tilt it so that the reader experiences it in a new way at least.
Now, I don't mean this to be discouraging, at all, but I think that you could definitely stretch yourself into new ideas and bring something more interesting to the table -- as shown in the very first line, which I like very much. Let me know if you have any questions.
Thank you for the review. Yes, I haven't really wrote something in about a month, so I am a little rusty.
I do agree with you on how it is a bit cliche because I see it myself too. I do see the downhill part also. Once again, thank your for your review.