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Touching the Sky

by Snazzy


Once there was a little girl,

she was very wild, and free.

She was very active, and very nice,

as little girls ought to be.

~

One day she went, out in her yard,

she climbed up in her tree.

She thought that she could touch the sky,

Maybe, just maybe...

~

Then once the little girl told her mom,

of how she would touch the sky.

But her mom just laughed, and said-

"You are a girl, honey, you can't fly."

~

That night the little girl thought about this,

and decided that her mother was right.

She figured that since she was human,

there was no chance that she woud take flight.

                                                                                            

This little girl, now 22, dreamed for other things.

Of finding a job, and paying the rent,

she no longer wished she had wings.

~

She didn't have a dream to tell,

no, not even a wish.

The girl was only an empty shell,

like food without a dish.

~

The girl would push on in her life,

thinking that she was strong.

But the world wold tell her different,

it would tell her she was wrong.

~

So the girl believed the world.

She would shake her head and cry.

She knew she wasn't the girl she was-

she did not want to touch the sky.

                                                                                

This girl, now very old,

was lying on her bed.

She was very frail, and very sick,

and a young girl knelt at her head.

~

"Can I get you anything?" The girl asked,

and a tear escaped her eye.

The old lady shook her head, and said-

"No, please don't cry.

~
'll be fine young one," She said-

"-and dear, so will you."

She then shook her head sadly,

knowing none of this was true.

~

Then suddenly, the old lady smiled.

She knew there was something to do.

She opened her mouth, and began to speak

of the one thing she wanted to pursue.

~

"But there is one more thing I would like to do-to do before I die..."

"What?" The girl asked, and squeezed her hand.

"I would like to touch the sky."

~

The girl squeezed her hand a little tighter,

and asked- "Are you sure?

The doctors said to stay in bed,

rest is the only cure."

~

But the frail old woman just shook her head,

and looked up at the sky.

"I need to go touch it!" She said, pointing up.

"To know that I can fly."

~

So the girl nodded, and helped her up.

Outside, she set her down.

The old woman looked up and smiled

in her long, old night gown.

~

It was dark outside, with twinkling stars,

they all lit up the sky.

They lit up the sky, like shining young girls-

girls that wanted to fly.

~

The young girl let out a sniffle,

and said- "Please don't leave."

But the old lady shook her head, smiled and said-

"Young one, please don't grieve.

~

I have lived a long life,

and a good one at that.

I am ready to go..." She said,

and gave the girl a pat.

~

The young girl smiled a little, and said.

"But how do you know?"

The old lady shook her head, and smiled-

"I just am. I'm ready to go."

~

The young girl nodded, and tilted her head.

She looked up at the sky.

"But how, gramma, how?

How will you go and fly?"

~

The old lady smiled and looked upward.

She let out a raspy sigh.

"Don't worry..." She said, and smiled.

"I will touch the sky."

~

So the little girl laid her head on the old lady's shoulder,

she opened her mouth and yawned.

The old lady closed her eyes, and her breathing stopped...

But she had touched the sky and beyond.


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Tue Jan 26, 2016 1:22 am
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Okay, now I feel bad about virtually everything I'm about to say because everyone has been like "omg this is amazing and beautiful" but I don't really bother leaving reviews if that's what I have to say, because it's nice to hear but not constructive. So. Please forgive me for what follows.

The message in this poem is a little confused as we follow the girl at the beginning to the end of her life. It starts off with the little girl longing to fly, but when her mother tells her she can’t, she decides it’s true. This message sticks with her throughout adulthood—we see her as a young woman, hopeless, overwhelmed by life, and she no longer has the desire to touch the sky. Even as an old woman, dying in front of her granddaughter, she doesn’t believe her own words when she says they’ll both be all right. Then she suddenly remembers her childhood dream and tells the granddaughter she wants to touch the sky before she dies, which seems like a hopeful turnaround…except then it turns out that the way she touches the sky is to die. Which seems like a bummer.

So I’m not sure whether the message here is supposed to be one of hope, despair, or a more spiritual sort of hope wherein death is not the end. It got obscured by the passage of time and the conflicting ideas the main character has about touching the sky throughout her life and the way this conflict is resolved by her touching it upon her death.

Additionally, the human desire and inability to touch the sky is an old idea—which is fine, except that you haven’t done much here to spruce it up and make it fresh. The little girl wants to touch the sky; her mother laughs at her and tells her it’s impossible. Since we don’t have anything specific about the character to latch onto and care about, the poem comes across as generic. I need some detail. Specific imagery, strong figurative language, some detail about our main character that makes her unique.

As a starting point, let me point out what I thought was the best stanza.

It was dark outside, with twinkling stars,
they all lit up the sky.
They lit up the sky, like shining young girls-
girls that wanted to fly.


Twinkling stars is a better image than anything else in the poem, and I like the comparison of the stars to “shining young girls” with hope. This could be a starting point for the rest of the poem, in terms of bringing in stronger imagery, more figurative language, and more detail. You can also use more complex words. Understand me: I’m absolutely not saying you should go through this with a thesaurus and replace every word with a “bigger” word. It’ll be obvious if you do, and it can throw off your rhymes (which were done quite well, by the way) without even adding anything.

However, see where you can replace weak words with strong words. For example, “very pretty” and “very smart” in the first stanza. “Very” is a word we generally need to avoid in writing, because the presence of “very” alerts us to the fact that there’s probably a stronger, more concise word we could use. For example, “beautiful” or “lovely” instead of “very pretty.” A simile or metaphor describing someone’s beauty would be even better.

Of course, that’ll probably throw off the rhyme and rhythm. Start small and see where you can make your language stronger without hurting the rhyme scheme. Or work on one stanza at a time, deciding what is most important to get across to readers and then crafting the stanza until it both does its job and sounds the way you want it to.

Blue




Snazzy says...


Thanks so much for the review!

(Actually, if I were honest, I'd much rather have a good review like this than praise when it comes to writing. :) )

Thanks again!



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Sun May 24, 2015 8:19 pm
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BlueSunset wrote a review...



Well, well, Snazzy. Great poem! It's very long and I love the rhythm of it. It's sort of like a short story but sort of not, you know what I mean? You put in dialogue, and it's got a good length. Impressive.
Next. I love the imaginary you put in to this. This poem is creative yet original. I'm surprised you could get the whole thing to rhyme. However, you did have some errors, or.. what should I call it? Bah, I don't know. Anyways:

I have lived a long life,
and a good one at that.
I am ready to go..." She said,
and gave the girl a pat.

The first time I read this, I thought: Wouldn't they be emotional or something? You should replace or add something besides "pat" because then the poem doesn't/won't give people a feeling by the end. Okay, moving on.
I don't really have much else to say besides the fact that this poem is great. It is happy, sad, both mixed up together. :)

- Sunset101




Snazzy says...


Thank you for the review! :) :D



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Fri Feb 27, 2015 9:54 pm
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Rin321 says...



This is just so beautiful! This is just so sad, but really summarizes some of our lives. How wise it seems when it is written is just great, and it is what I admire. I just have to say that you did a great job, and you deserve to be in the spotlight! ;) :D




Snazzy says...


Thank you! :) :D



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Fri Feb 27, 2015 7:17 pm
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mspa says...



Is poem is very inspiring, sad and beautiful. I even cried a little at the end. I think that your poems are amazing and you should continue to make poems.




Snazzy says...


:D Thank you! :)



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Fri Feb 27, 2015 7:10 pm
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elin wrote a review...



It's so emotional, it fills me with so many joy, sadness, and hope. I do have one critique though, maybe you could check your spelling, because in verse seven, line three, it says wold, when it is supposed to say would. Also in verse eleven, line one, it says 'll, when I'm fairly certain it's supposed to be I'll. But overall, it's a really amazing and emotional piece of poetry.




Snazzy says...


Thanks! :D :D :D



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Fri Feb 27, 2015 5:52 pm
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lgri wrote a review...



this is is very nice poem. i liked that she never gave up what she wanted to do.this story would be good for a mom or grandma. it tought me to never give up on something i want to do. i will share this poem with my children and tell them to never give up. this got to my heart because a lot of my family members have past away and it make me think if they wanted to touch the sky. it helps me remember that they did what they wanted to. it has impacted my heart and has made me think




Snazzy says...


Thank you! :D



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Fri Feb 27, 2015 5:41 pm
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zswa wrote a review...



Great poem! I really like the way you showed how growing up you leave some things behind in pursuit of others. One thing I thought you could change was how the poem progressed from an adult to a old lady very quickly, I think that there could have been something to space out the story between the adulthood to being a grandmother.




Snazzy says...


Thank you! :)



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Fri Feb 27, 2015 7:29 am
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theobliviousoracle wrote a review...



Hello. Superb work! That's all I can say. All of us dream about things in our childhoods but due to petty somehows and somethings most of us leave them behind or more accurately, we move on. I remember wanting to do silly things when I was small and your poem reminded me of those days and wishes which had been left behind by me. So most importantly, Thank you for that!
As far as the review goes there are places where I'd like to correct things and there always will be, even in the most perfect work; if there is anything like that but then it'll become my work not yours. The essence of your poem lies in the innocence and the craving of a little girl who grows old but her heart doesn't and i think it'd be better off with those little imperfections. You really know how to portray whats inside of your head and that counts for something. Marvelous! Keep it up!




Snazzy says...


:D Thank you!! :D



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Fri Feb 27, 2015 2:00 am
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Hope19 wrote a review...



Hey. Beautiful poem. I really enjoyed it. It had a wonderful and pleasant meaning. I loved the story. How someone wants to fly. We all want to fly sometime or another. The story was very sweet. Good Job!

Since this is a review, I do need to make out a few things. You need a little help with your grammar. Nothing to be ashamed about, I'm not perfect either. Actually sometimes I get jealous of some people's grammar! Don't tell anyone! :). Anyway, I wanted to mark out that you can't use 'But' in the beginning of a sentence even if its poetry( I know its sucks). Also some commas are needed. You did well on your spelling which I'm glad for. Bad spelling is what I hate. Anyway, you did very well. Keep writing to make yourself the best poet or whatever you want to be. I really loved the story!

Hope :)




Snazzy says...


Thank you! :) :D



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Fri Feb 27, 2015 1:37 am
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RoseAndThorn wrote a review...



'Ello there, Snazzy! *waves* First off, I absolutely adore your username. I mean, really, who wouldn't want to be a SnazzyPencil, right? Especially a SnazzyPencil with a shiny cat.

Anyway, about the poem. I love the concept, and I found it to be well-written, but I feel it could use a bit of improvement.
"The girl was only an empty shell, like food without a dish." I get what you're trying to say, and for some reason I particularly liked this line the way it is, but for logic's sake I must protest. Food is an empty shell? An amusing image, but... This line could belong in the sense that the food doesn't belong anywhere, and is homeless in a metaphorical kind of way, and that it cannot be contained because it refuses to reform, but then I think you might have put it in the wrong section of the poem. And besides, we wouldn't want to start a food revolution, now would we? Can you imagine the chaos?
I think it would be better if you mentioned a little earlier the relationship between the two people. Example- "Can I get you anything, gramma?"
The way you put a space in 'night gown' isn't technically correct (I think), but it did inspire me. I like metaphorical poetry, and that particular spelling of the word gave me visions of the sky putting on its night gown, its favorite dark blue one with the sparkles, in preparation for the long sleep ahead...
Another thing- this may be just a personal quirk, but I feel like the last half of the poem, the part about the old woman, was a little... worn out in parts. For example, the way she repeatedly assures her granddaughter that she is "ready to go." While this may be true, I feel that its over-usage in today's literature puts it at a great disadvantage. From what we could tell based on the poem, she had lived a very unsatisfying, unaccomplished, unhappy life. My personal opinion is that the phrase should be reserved for cases of great fulfillment, mostly if the person had done their part to make the world a better place.

And now, sadly, we must part ways. I do hope that this review was at least somewhat of help to you. Best of wishes to you, Snazzy. Good luck, happy writings, and never stop being Snazzy.

~DragonLily




Snazzy says...


:D Thanks! :D :)



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Thu Feb 26, 2015 11:28 pm
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ooh4764 wrote a review...



First can I just say wow. This is a beautiful poem that took my breath away, its perfectly versed and amazingly written. I cannot help but think its perfect, there isn't anything I would change.

You wove an astounding story and honestly have left me at a loss for words. This is pure poetry at its best and I love it.




Snazzy says...


:) Thank you! :D




I’d heard he had started a fistfight in one of the seedier local taverns because someone had insisted on saying the word “utilize” instead of “use".
— Patrick Rothfuss, A Wise Man's Fear