for him

Hi there, here to review your other haiku here.

So, I like the innate contradiction in the piece about the air pressing against something else, when air can't really press or not with its own accord. I also like that its addressed "for him" like the speaker could deliver this piece to the subject, but then in the last line we get the heartbreaking truth that the speaker has only memories and won't be able to deliver the poem to their lover. So, overall you have some interesting stuff here to work with.

I thought the lack of capitalization worked, because the theme seems to be intangibility and lack -- so lacking the formality of punctuation worked for me. Like the poem was being whispered in the lonely night, to the summer air itself.

Although I think this poem hit the mark overall for a haiku, in giving a setting, a conflict, characterization, and a story (all within 3 short lines) I think that there could have been a bit more originality or character within the first line (which I think was the weakest one). While it's interesting that the poem is set at night and the season is summer -- I don't think that adds to the poems plot in any other way, and for me doesn't connect to the piece. The reader might be able to guess it's night and summer just from the fact that the the speaker's skin is bare (which might not occur walking around in public in the middle of winter). I think you could use those first 4 syllables to establish more specificity about the loss, or even give details about the subject in the first place.

Most people can relate to a break-up or heartbreak poem, but adding specificity to why the loss is significant/important and details about the person that is being missed helps establish originality and keeps the piece from being cliche. Right now we have a blank canvass in that regard - the only details we have about the subject is that they are a "him", they are absent (line 2), and the speaker has memories about them (line 3). We don't know anything about the memories, or why they're gone, or what they're like -- and although that's a lot to cover in 3 lines, I think you have the space to expand a little more into those subjects. For instance rather than saying "memories of you" where we already know who the speaker is thinking about based on the title, you could say "memories of _____" fill in the blank with something the two did, or a synonym for memories with fewer syllables to give even more details like, "thoughts of _____" it could read "memories of fall" or "thoughts of ice fishing", "thoughts of days now lost" -- anything to be more specific or give the readers another detail. Those are just my suggestions though, and you likely have better ideas!

Anyways, nice job overall! It was a quick enjoyable read!

~alliyah

This Review is brought to you by Team Cardinals! Happy Review Day!

Hi there Iridescence! Nikayla here dropping in for a review on this lovely evening.

So there's not a lot to dislike about this poem. I have to admit that I'm not much of a fan of romance haikus, seeing as there are only three lines the poet is able to develop this relationship over. That's why I've found it more beneficial to have a poem akin to this one where the reader is able to fill their own relationship into this poem. That's what I enjoy about this poem. The openness for the reader to be able to interpret this and apply this to their real life. That being said, due to the length there's barely a chance for this poem to be anything less than mediocre, which is a positive aspect of writing shorter poetry.

There's a less likely chance that there are weak spots. At the same time, if the three lines you do use aren't strong, then that's going to be the flaw of writing short poetry. Instead of the regular nature haiku that we get most of the time, this is more of a poem that focuses on the nature of a relationship. I found the first and the second lines having a hard time connecting, which is the first problem that I wanted to point out here.

This seems to be mainly due to the phrasing that's used. Consider cutting out the word 'my' since it sounds a little awkward though I understand you'd have to fill that the gap of an extra syllable with something else. I'm also not a fan of the dash at the end of the second line since there's a disconnect between the second and third lines. I suggest playing around with that--taking out the dash there makes for a stronger flow. Overall, there's nothing directly wrong with this haiku, though I can see this being stronger with some revision.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Hi Iridescence! Becca here for a quick review.

First off, I'm happy to see you're engaging with the Haiku art form. The Haiku can be beautiful in it's delivery and ability to capture one to three images in such a short space.

In this haiku, I liked your use of "midnight summer," "bare skin," and "memories."

I think haikus are strongest when each line has its own idea. Therefore, I think the first line could be stronger if instead of saying "the midnight summer" and then having air continue on the next line, change it to "midnight summer air." The just costs you one extra word unnecessarily, in my opinion. Then in your next line you have one extra syllable to play with.

Obviously it's your call as the author. I hope to read more of your writing. Feel free to PM me with any questions/any revisions.