z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

There's a Fine Line Chapter 1.2

by zaminami


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

*Tord’s PoV*

I let Thomas carry me to the couch, my arms wrapped around his neck. I buried my face in his hoodie, trying my hardest not to inhale his scent like a creep.

It smelled like Smirnoff. It smelled like sweat. It smelled like pineapple. It smelled of the crisp air you find in indoor sport buildings. It smelled like worn-out deodorant.

It smelled like heaven.

I gave a content murmur, which no doubt earned a curious look from Thomas. They were quiet, for now. They usually were quiet whenever Thomas was around. I’ve never known why, but I love it.

My heart soared as he hugged me closer, the vibrations of his body lulling me into a slumber. He was strong as hell, his hands wrapped protectively around me and firmly gripping my body weight, making me feel as if I was protected. I could feel his black ‘eyes’ boring into my soul with sympathy, making me feel watched over. He set me on the couch gently, letting me know he cared. I didn’t want him to get up and sit me there, but he did, so I just bit my tongue and let it happen. His weight lifted off of me and I shuddered in sadness. I wanted to stay in that carry-hold forever, situated and protected inside of Thomas’s arms.

I saw him start to walk towards the kitchen. “N-no,” I said, scared for myself again. What if the voices instruct me to grab something and use it to kill him? “Thomas… don- don’t leave. I don’t want them to come back.” I felt tears come on again, except that I had cried myself out. I suddenly realized I had felt dry.

“I’m just getting you water,” Thomas said in his sweet, deep British accent. His voice was just so beautiful; I could listen to it all day and not get bored. I smiled a little as I thought about that. I would love to do so. “I’m pretty sure you cried your eyes out.”

I smiled a little wider, flashing some of my teeth. “I guess you’re right.” There was no doubt my eyes were puffy from crying and my face was red as well as my eyes being dry. That’s usually what happens.

“I’ll be right back, okay?”

“…okay.”

As soon as he left the room, however, they came back. Thomas will never love you. He is just helping you for his own selfish needs. Get up right now, go to the kitchen and stab him with a steak knife. No, give him a painful death. He hates you. He’ll never care about you. He’ll kill you if he gets the chance.

No, no, stop it! I thought to them. If he wanted to kill me, he would’ve already. I do agree that he hates me, but I’m not going to kill him. I’M BETTER THAN THAT!

You’ve killed before, the voices pointed out. And you’ll do it again.

No, I won’t, not unless Thomas is in danger, I argued. Or if any of my friends are in danger. Only then. I don’t want to anymore. I don’t want to kill.

But you will.

I felt strong arms wrap around my chest as the voices quieted down. I looked up to see Thomas, looking down at me with worry on his face. Just then I had realized that I was clutching my head tightly and that I was shaking with worry. I automatically set myself in his arms and removed my hands from my head, holding his hands in my own. He started to blush lightly, accenting the tan on his face and making the black voids that are his eyes stand out on his face. The creases on his forehead, created from worry, were like valleys - rolling up and down and beautiful at the same time. I smiled a little. “Aw, you’re worried about me!” I joked.

“I just don’t want you having an anxiety attack in my house,” Thomas grunted. He didn’t remove his hands though. “Your water is on the side table.”

“Can you... um... sit down on the sofa or something?” I asked as I removed my hands so he can take off his. I grabbed my water and gulped it down thirstily. Thomas obliged and sat next to me, near my feet. I rested my feet on his lap and he growled at me a little and shoved me off. Oh well, worth a try.

We awkwardly sat there in silence for five minutes, until Thomas cleared his throat. “Do you want more water, or...”

“No, it’s fine,” I said, my voice giving away my real condition. Thomas ignored it, obviously wanting to give me what I want.

I mean, I had a strange feeling of wanting him, but of course I didn’t tell him that.

There was some more awkward silence between us. I estimated that five to ten minutes passed before I decided to break the silence. “How ‘bout we watch Game of Thrones?” I suggested.

Thomas smiled, his face lighting up. His perfect white teeth flashed at my eyes, pretty much blinding me. He could never resist Game of Thrones. “Sure,” he said.

I tossed him the remote and leaned back, closing my eyes. I couldn’t get the image of Thomas out of my head. Not that I minded. I reminisced back to middle school, when I first met him and the gang:

~FLAAAASSSHHHHBAAACCKKKK!~

I sat down in homeroom next to a brunette drinking some Cola and wearing a Pandora’s Seed shirt. I was new to England and this school, after the disaster that had happened months earlier. My dads had moved here in hope of escaping the civil war that currently gripped Norway.

“Hey,” the brunette said. “You’re Tord, right? I’m Edd. Nice to meet you.”

“Yeah...” I answered. “You too.”

“Want to sit with me at lunch? I sit with two other guys. Matt is really nice and Tom can get sarcastic and angsty but he’s nice when you get to know him.” Edd smiles. Obviously a nice guy.

I smiled back, flashing my teeth. “Sure,” I said. “I’d love to meet them.”

“What’s your next period?”

“Math.”

“Me too!” Edd is excited now, a little hyped up from the sugar in the Cola he was drinking. “Maybe we’ll have all of our classes together!”

I grew excited as well. If I had all of my classes with him, I would have someone nice and a potential friend to work with. I could see all of the possibilities. Though, of course, I never considered the possibility of using him to access a giant robot when I was older, so maybe just most of the possibilities.

It turned out we did have all of our classes together, except for gym, but Edd claimed that Tom had gym with me, so I was all set. Friends in every class! I was more lucky than I expected.

At lunch, I swiveled my head around to find Edd, carefully balancing my tray piled with mashed potatoes, chicken strips, milk, and various fruit and vegetables. I finally spotted him at a table at the very back, sitting with a ginger boy with a strangely flat chin. The other boy was looking at himself in his mirror and making kissing noises. I assumed that was Matt, since Edd’s description of Tom made me think of an angsty, black-haired teenage boy with a leather jacket. Edd told me in Math that Matt was like a “cinnamon roll.” Even though I had no idea what that meant, I think that it means an adorable, naive person.

I walked over. “Hey guys. What are you doing?” I asked.

Edd gasped. “Matt! This is Tord, the new kid from Norway that I told you about!”

Matt glanced up from his mirror. “Hi Todd! I’m Matt!”

“Tord,” I corrected. “And nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too Todd!” Matt went back to staring at himself. “I’m having a date with myself in the mirror.”

“Matt on Matt action,” I joked. Edd laughed while Matt made a confused face. “What?” he asked.

Edd snickered. “You don’t want to know, Matt. Oh hey, there’s Tom!” He pointed towards someone.

I looked over to where he was pointing and saw a tall, tanned, handsome brown-haired guy with spiky hair, a Nine Inch Nails T-Shirt, and jeans. The most startling part, however, was his eyes. He didn’t have any.

He slowly walked over to us and I became nervous, because I was sure that he noticed me. I saw him stiffen as his head faced towards me, and he stomped over with a malicious intent.

“What. The hell. Is this?” the boy said, gesturing towards me.

“That’s Tord. He’s the new kid from Norway,” Edd explained. “Don’t be rude, Tom.”

“But that’s who I am.”

I liked his voice. Deep and sweet at the same time. “I don’t mind,” I said. “I’ve been called a lot worse, don’t worry.” I was filled with flutters and butterflies that would follow me for years to come.

Tom nods, obviously not caring.

That lunch, and for many lunches after that, he sat as far away from me as he could.

“Hey.”

I jolted out of my memories. “Huh?”

“Fighting scene. Want to watch?”

“Hell yeah.”


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Sat Nov 04, 2017 11:22 pm
DawnLight31 says...



hey tord your fanfic is really well writen with a lot of detail




zaminami says...


thanks :D



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Tue Sep 19, 2017 4:51 am
Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, DemonGoddess! GooseLuck here to do a review for you! So let's take flight, shall we?

The first thing that I noticed about this piece was this-

It smelled like Smirnoff. It smelled like sweat. It smelled like pineapple. It smelled of the crisp air you find in indoor sport buildings. It smelled like worn-out deodorant.

It smelled like heaven.


The repetition of,"it," is a bit much and I think that you could mix all this together to form just a sentence or two, so I think that would help it, or you could just keep it like this and ignore what I say. Anyway, onward.

One thing that I didn't like about this piece was how the majority of it was a flashback and we didn't really get much from Tord. That was a bit of a let down after the previous chapter, considering I was hoping to get more from Tord in this chapter. I would say add more or I'll put in a request now to see more of Tord in later chapters, because as of right now they're my favourite character as they seem to be the least well formatted. Anyway, onward.

The dialogue in this just seems a bit bland in most places and I would suggest brushing up on that and trying to make it a bit more natural.

Anyway, overall I think that this is a decent chapter and that I think that it has potential to do really good.

I think that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, GooseLuck




zaminami says...


Tord is male... and also, Tord is one of the main characters, so you WILL see more of him in the future. :D

thanks for the review!



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Sat Sep 16, 2017 3:46 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hi there,
Icy here to free your work from the evil clutches of the green room!

It smelled like Smirnoff.

This is very specific. I'm being nitpicky here but there are lots of types of Smirnoff. And does pure vodka tend to have that much of a smell other than just smelling like alcohol?

He was strong as hell,

I don't think this description really does him justice, or fits with the others that she uses to refer to him later on.

I suddenly realized I had felt dry.

This feels like a very odd description. Does she mean her eyes felt dry?

Thomas will never love you. He is just helping you for his own selfish needs. Get up right now, go to the kitchen and stab him with a steak knife. No, give him a painful death. He hates you. He’ll never care about you. He’ll kill you if he gets the chance.

No, no, stop it! I thought to them. If he wanted to kill me, he would’ve already. I do agree that he hates me, but I’m not going to kill him. I’M BETTER THAN THAT!

You’ve killed before, the voices pointed out. And you’ll do it again.

No, I won’t, not unless Thomas is in danger, I argued. Or if any of my friends are in danger. Only then. I don’t want to anymore. I don’t want to kill.

But you will.


Now this may be because I've not read the first chapter but she seems to be making some pretty bold statements here. Has she already had this conversation with the voices in her head? If not, she seems to have all of her answers very well prepared. She doesn't stumble over them and sounds sure of herself. How can she go from being terrified the voices will make her stab him to simply defying them when they tell her to do exactly that? It just doesn't seem to fit.


“Want to sit with me at lunch? I sit with two other guys. Matt is really nice and Tom can get sarcastic and angsty but he’s nice when you get to know him.” Edd smiles. Obviously a nice guy.

All these statements would do better if you were to show the reader rather than tell them what's going on. If Matt and Tom come up again then it would be good to see their characters without Edd describing them. If they don't, then it's not really worth mentioning them at this point. Also, she can't possibly decide he is a nice guy from one conversation. He might seem like a nice guy, but it isn't obvious yet.


Mostly, the dialogue in this chapter is good and it moves at a good pace. The problem I have is that it kind of seems too obvious, if that makes any sense. All of what you've written is to further the plot, which is good because that's the whole point of chapters in a novel. The problem is there isn't really any subtly, nothing that the reader is left to wonder about. Of course Tom is grumpy and moody, and she's just super patient with him. It's too obvious, especially for chapter one. Try and take your readers on more of a journey.

I think this could do with a little editing, but I'm sure that will be easier once you've written more and have gotten to know your characters a little better. It has an interesting premise and I'm intrigued to see where you go with it.

Hope this helped.
Icy.




zaminami says...


Okay. First of all, Tord's male. Second, this makes more sense if you read the first chapter, and third, this is all told from Tord's PoV. If you're in the fandom, this also makes more sense... hope those little details help :D

Oh, and also Smirnoff is an alcohol Tom is addicted to, in Eddsworld.

Also, do you want me to tag you with future chapters? I ask this with everyone :D

-- Kara



IcyFlame says...


Haha I did wonder that when I was reading but wasn't sure! I took a guess as it's not really obvious from his name. It does make the whole dynamic a bit more clear though.

Feel free to tag me in anything you post :) I'll try my best to read/review



zaminami says...


Haha, okay :D



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Fri Sep 15, 2017 11:12 pm
Dracula wrote a review...



Here I am! :D

It smelled like heaven.
Wow, this was definitely a distinct change from Tom's point of view. In fact, I don't recall Tom ever focusing on smells. This shows how different the two are.

They were quiet, for now. They usually were quiet whenever Thomas was around. I’ve never known why, but I love it.
I know that you mean the voices, but I think it would be beneficial just to mention their 'name' since the beginning of a point of view is almost the same as the beginning of a chapter.

I smiled a little. “Aw, you’re worried about me!” I joked.
I admit this didn't seem quite fitting. Tord is distressed and worried about the voices, hardly a state to be making jokes in. Perhaps add a line like 'I tried to lighten my mood'.

Edd told me in Math that Matt was like a “cinnamon roll.” Even though I had no idea what that meant, I think that it means an adorable, naive person.
He does have an idea what it means, then. :p But really, I liked the use of 'cinnamon roll'. It showed how Tord was from a 'foreign' country and wasn't in-the-know about all the typical teenage things. It also shows that he was eager to adapt and become one of the typical teens.

I jolted out of my memories. “Huh?”
The transition back to present day was perfect.

Well, that's all I've got to point out. Tord is obviously a much deeper character than Tom knows, you made that clear. Again, the emotions are your strong point. The thing I would suggest to keep an eye on is making sure each character's actions fit their strong emotions. This is coming along really well, keep on going with it!




zaminami says...


Thanks for the review :D




"If I see an American in real life or a kiwi in a blockbuster, it feels surreal and weird, and like a funny trip."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi