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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
Hello! Waffle here to review your work.
I can see what you are getting at. It flows nicely, It's the right size, and overall It's good.
The thick blue coast
wells up -- falls,
like a spirit.
Hmm... a blue coast? What coast exactly is this?
When I wake up, I uncurl,
well up, and fall too.
A tad awkward.
Now, there's a lot of un-explained thingy-ma-bobbers 'goin on here.
Maybe specify what you are talking about, or add in some detail.
Let's see..... Ah! Then ending.
The ending simply cannot be here. It needs something more, because it just ends so oddly. I wish there was something else to kind of tie up the whole thing.
Great job!
~Waffle
Hi Pocket!
This is a really nice poem. There are just a few things that I thought you could change or clarify, but you don't have to if you choose not to.
This references back to the previous stanza, where you talked about the blue coast welling up and falling. However, it sounds a little weird when talking about the narrator. I guess a person could well up by becoming more and more awake, but I don't understand the fall part when related to a human. I like that you relate it to the coast from earlier, but it is a little bit unclear and strange to read.
Even though those two lines aren't right next to each other, instead they're at the beginning and end of a stanza, but I still think like the use of city again weakens the stanza. I would say that using some figurative language or imagery to replace city might help. For example, when I think of cities, I think of metal mazes. So you might say something like, "into the undergrowth of the steel maze." Or whatever works for you in that case.
That ending is really nice, and it makes me think of all my early mornings when I just want to sleep, but instead I'm driving through fog and mist, waiting for the sun to rise.
The entire poem is beautiful, short but sweet. I love it! Keep writing.
-Falconer
Such a pretty poem, that speaks such truth. The city really does have that kind of feel. I envision downtown chicago, when the morning dew practically freezes the place. I, likewise, would love to see more poems from you seeing as you write like this. And in the title, maybe do "Settling in the City"? just capitalize. It look more professional.
Such a pretty poem, that speaks such truth. The city really does have that kind of feel. I envision downtown chicago, when the morning dew practically freezes the place. I, likewise, would love to see more poems from you seeing as you write like this. And in the title, maybe do "Settling in the City"? just capitalize. It look more professional.
There is no problem with this poem, except for one minor capitalization error at the beginning of the last paragraph, but overall, this is beautiful and I would like to see more poems and maybe stories from you
~Insanity