people keep talking to me about their own ruin.
"I have no future,
I have gasping,
anxiety,
a fish mouthed sadness
that drags on and weighs around my ankles.
I don’t think I can continue."
we are not broken.
we are bent faces of spoons,
our silver bodies are swans diving into another hour
or another day, our future is now, another moment
cracked over the continuum like an egg,
spilling out of its own shell and
we are not our dreams, we are scarred and scratched
and bruised little pieces of person,
growing and stretching in our new bodies
every moment, new and new and young
and learning;
we are moments spilling out into a river,
fish learning how to swim and breathe in air,
we are darting to new things, less distractible
by the sheen of hooks and baubles;
we are bruised and battered and torn at the fin and
tilting and turning in the water,
we are catching the light on our scales as we swim.
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139,521 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
I liked this. I will be honest though, i felt like the first stanza was so powerful, and almost wasted by the rest of the poem. That is not to say that the poem was bad, it was brilliant, but the first stanza was by far the highlight.
One thing i enjoyed about your writing was the figurative language you used. Lines such as "silver bodies are swans diving into another hour..." and " moments spilling out into a river" are incredibly powerful and descriptive of humanity.
You very successfully used long and flowing sentences, which is not always easy to do. I thought this made the pace of the poem work well with the point you were trying to get across.
Overall very good poem, i will definitely keep my eye out for more of your work.
This is me encompassing you and your poem with my whole being in a sort of hug.
Just wow!
....
I don't like the ending much though, and I contradicted myself by saying 'just wow' and then continuing didn't I?
I think it needs a clearer, more distinct, ending. Other than that- JUST WOW
For now... How now brown cow.... I am so sorry...
Please ignore the above childish rhyming and know that I thought the poem was really amazing, maybe work on your ending next time?
Nice poem. You have a good way with words. I usually leave no comment on the parts I like so I am going to skip straight ahead to some things that I feel could help improve this work.
There are not many thing here that do need improving, but those that do seem to fall under the same category. Firstly there is one brief thing I would like to mention that does not, which is the line:
I am guessing that you wrote I have in order to link up this line with the next line in a poetic sense. Unfortunately it just doesn't make sense grammatically at all. No matter from what perspective I read this does it work. I think you should write "I am gasping", or something else that makes sense.
Back to the main notes I wanted to point out which is the repetition of words. When you repeat a large word in no pattern or unintentionally it makes it seem like you can not think of any more words and it can risk making the reader have an uneasy sense of Dejavu, ultimately taking away the final impact.I feel like you have some oddly placed repeated words.
Firstly This one does seem intentional but I can't see why.
You already said bruised in the previous stanza, and this bruised has no link. I feel like you may have forgotten that you already used this word.
You mentioned moments too lines ago. You also mentioned it in a previous stanza. It takes away from the impact.
I hope that this helped you, I just felt like overall the repeated words did not work as well as they could have. I love the rest of your poem.
Hello!
I've really enjoyed reading this poem! You're very talented.
'we are not broken.
we are bent faces of spoons,
our silver bodies are swans diving into another hour
or another day, our future is now, another moment
cracked over the continuum like an egg,
spilling out of its own shell and'
This part caught my attention! It is remarkable.
It's utterly honest, like water spashed on your face, very refreshing.
Overall, this poem is one of the best. Great metaphors, good grammer, and excellent vocabally. I hope too read more of your work soon!
Xoxoxoxos,
Katy.
Persy save some spotlight for the rest of the writers! I'm pretty sure you had another feature's work of art not to long ago:). Talent. Hard work, whatever you call it just keep writing!
This sounds to me like the thoughts of an optimist, truly a breath of fresh air after all the suicidal poetry we see nowadays...
Anyways back to the writing, excellent choice of words. I especially love the references to nature from which we actually learn how to live life.
The word "spilling" was perhaps slightly overused... but the message comes across beautifully.
You are a diamond in the treasure chest of literature,
#Fan
I'm not completely sure, but is this in some kind of intentional, methodical rhythm?
I tried counting the syllables, but it doesn't match up to anything I know (and that's not a lot!). Just curious.
Maybe your flow is just perfect. ;D
This was an excellently worded poem. It seemed so carefully written and thoughtful. It causes the reader to question and re-read and relate. I found myself saying, that's odd- we are those things entirely. It not only magnifies our likeness to each other, but our likeness to those things around us. Usually I feel odd and discomforted by stanzas without the same number of lines, but the pacing in this poem was no problem at all. I would, however, prefer if all lines in the poem began with a capital letter. I suppose that's a preference thing though. The poem is both raw and glamourous. Does that make any sense? Like, the descriptive, heavily metaphorical, text makes the writing pretty and compelling to read- but the content that derives from it is less simple. It's hurtful because it's honest.
Well done, from me. Although, I don't know anything.
With this comparison, the poem totally won my respect. The sound that the whole thing made in my mind was that of a slow, soft song, even though there are no rhymes. There's a certain smoothness in you flow, and the way you take your time to fully describe an expression - lovely.
This poem is a smile on my face.
Hey there! My name is Skye and I thought I would give you a step by step review! First things first, the first letter of each word in your title needs to be capitalized unless it is a word such as; it, the, is, and, as, a, (so on and so forth with unimportant words). Also, the beginning of each line if the one before it ended with a period. Last thing I have to complain about with the overall piece is that you don't capitalize the first letter of each line, or where the line before it ended with a period.
Next, I have to disagree with Olivia, I actually really enjoyed the first stanza, I love how you quoted things people say, very lovely. The only flaw I saw in that stanza was just a minor format correction; "anxiety" should be on the line above it. What really captured my attention and made me want to read more was your line "a fish mouthed sadness", it isn't a common used term and drew me in.
As for stanza two, I think you should switch the period in line one with the comma on line two for better flow. Besides that the only other thing is ending the stanza with "and" is a little sloppy to me, but that is just my opinion. This stanza hit home, it was absolutely gorgeous. I can tell already that reading more of your work is something I should look into.
Then there is stanza three, not much to say here other than that I think moving "we are scarred and scratched" to the next line would flow better. And that you say "new and new and young" and I am unsure if that is on purpose or not. This stanza painted a picture in my mind, breathtakingly beautiful.
Last stanza, nothing really to say here other than to change the comma on line two to a period, and that the "and" on the end of line five should be on the next line. But overall, I loved this piece! I love the metaphors you used, and just the way you write in general, it is unique and fantastic! I was going to say my favorite part, but then reading over it I couldn't decide. It was all just so amazing! I am so sorry for this being so long, the only flaws in the piece was punctuation and lining, which is rare nowadays. Like I said though, loved this piece and can't wait to read more of your work! (From your new follower)
~Skye~
Wow! Let me just say that I am a big fan of your poetry and this was no exception. I really liked all of the fish comparisons sprinkled throughout the poem. The second stanza was my favorite, I especially like the line, "we are not broken. we are bent faces of spoons, our silver bodies are swans diving into another hour" That line just seemed really beautiful to me. My only critique (and I think this is mostly just personal opinion) is that I didn't really like the first stanza. I didn't feel like it flowed with the rest if the poem and it seemed out of place.