Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
I like to think of us as stories
bending around each other;
my narrative curves and turns
where yours lies and they breathe into each other
like a lungful chest, two kissing lovers
whose mouths sigh and gasp,
bodies sliding into one another
like tide and shore.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Simply lovely. I am now on an iPod so please exuse my abundance of spelling errors due to lack of spell correct and the uneffectiveness of autocorrect.
My only critisism on this would probably be the title. It is such a short poem that I feel the title is throwing too much into it. It is long and even though it describes everything about the poem it has quite a blatant quality about it.
Something to think about.
Hey, Persy! Well I don't think that this is my favorite poem of yours, but it is, without a doubt, still very well-written. You have a style that does well with longer poems, because it's so subtle and meticulous, but you managed to muster up a lot of emotion in this little piece as well. As usual, you capture the concept with a lot of artistry. I think it needs some tweaks and fine-tuning, but gah, it's beautiful. Your poems are always too freakin' beautiful for elaborate reviews. What a pity.
Keep writing, and best wishes. xxx
Well hi there Persy! Pretty sure this is a first. Usually, when I read your poems, I just go like this and that does not contribute anything useful. However, I think I have a comment of value, so here goes.
First off, I love the first two lines and the last two lines. However, I have some minor quibbles in the middle.
The "turns where yours lies" sounds really odd to me, and not in a good way. I think "turns to where yours lies" would sound slightly better. Unfortunately, I don't have a better suggestion.
Lungful is also odd to me, but in a good way. All the "s" sounds in the second line seem like too much of a good thing to me, though. I think
...two kissing lovers;
our mouths sigh and gasp"
looks and sounds better. Side note: I had no idea how weird "mouths" sounds out loud.
Overall, amazing stuff as usual. I would consider a couple small changes though. Great job and keep writing!