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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Nia! I wanted to stop by and lay some love on you - what a great title you have!
You already know that I think this is devastatingly good. I love the way all the elements of your poem match up perfectly, from your use of punctuation marks to your lack of capitalisation to your unusual and utterly in tune use of language. It all comes together to form a poem that doesn't know that it wants to be understood. I think that is one of the really heavy things about this poem. It is a plea, a cry into the darkness that is personal and heartbreaking and real for the narrator, however as an audience, it is really easy for me to connect with your poem, to take on the personal heartbreak and wonder how I could sit through it. Each image is crafted carefully and with a take on how language shifts under the skin of our throats - you have a natural rhythm and a cadence that is all your own. The effect is a grave, fluid call to someone who has lost and is lost and may not want to be found even during their own finding.
If I am looking for complications - and I have to search because I do so love it - I think it's the opening couplet. It works as an introduction to the overall theme of your poem and seems a suitable stand in to explain the very basis on which the narrator's foundation has grown. However, I feel that it has less of that smooth personability that the rest of your poem continues on with. That is probably the couplet format that is getting in the way of the easy movement. Changing that would change the tenor of your poem in some way, I think, it would alter the sense of rhythm and pattern you have. But think about it all the same, I suppose I am saying.
It's a stunning poem and I thank you so much for posting it where others can take it on and share it further, because it is most certainly worth their time and their effort.
May you only ever improve.
- <3
Hi! Storygirl95 dropping by for a review!
First, let me say I don't usually do a lot of poetry. It's just not something I often "get", you know?
However, that put out there, I genuinely enjoyed this poem! I felt connected to it somehow. So good job!
I especially liked the line, "Even after confusing myself with you." Human connection and bonding is a very unique thing. We sometimes get lost in those that we love, whether we intended to or not. Relationships, romantic or otherwise, often shape our future.
I also really enjoyed "as disembodied hands that write for the sake of feeling important." I felt that as a writer, this one hit home. To feel important, to feel like what you're writing means something, I think about it almost everyday. Writing is a passion that's often fickle with it's lovers, toying with them. I think you have done an absolutely wonderful job with expressing how we can feel about writing, in only a few lines no less.
I, like Falconer said, have never seen the words in the last stanza set up like that before. It's my favorite of them though, as the first two lines also speak so deeply to human character.
I don't have any suggestions really(sorry to be that person), but I thank you for letting me read this! I think you'll write some really great things in the future.
I hope you have a wonderful night, and keep writing!
Hey Pocket!
I love your poetry. 
Wow. This poem is quite striking!
I only have one tiny suggestion: "it could turn you into thousands / of saddened, humming bees / searching for their lost hive." I feel like with the image of thousands of saddened bees, they would be searching for the lost queen rather than the hive, but it sounds great the way you have it as well.
I particularly loved the last stanza about how loss could gentle you or savage you. I haven't seen those words used in that way before, and I think it's very unique and gives me a clear image. The same goes for "as breaths, as disembodied hands", it's really beautiful.
The second stanza was pretty easy to relate to, it seems like a common situation one could imagine happening, and it gives the reader insight to the feeling of the door closing through a simile.
Anyway, this is wonderful!
-Falco