each night
we are pulling gods out of ourselves;
we shed each other like
old skins; you crinkle
and I crack, our hands
press together when we pray.
they are old tomes whose pages
fall apart under the weight
of sunlight.
my god burns. she is arching her back,
beating her fists into her chest
like a great warrior, calling
me to battle — yours drowns
and drowns, lays under the ribcage
of a rock fathoms deep
and whispers to you from the ocean of sleep.
you tried to show me what he looks like,
pressed my palm to yours and said,
"I am plucking him from my chest, every moment I breathe.
he is in my hands, and feet, and mouth;
each time I speak, he is there,
in the cave of my cheek, under the shelf of my tongue,
listen.”
nothing came then, but the heavy beats
of my god, war drums pulsing
in the pads of my thumbs, the road
of my wrist, but you listened
and heard nothing but the rhythms
of the tide.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there!
You listed this poem under general, but it still seems far too general...I just can't quite seem to figure out the overall message of the poem. Is it a love story or religious...maybe I'm just being really dense but I just can't seem to get it.
I do, however, find the way you've described the feelings and emotions here. Like I said, I don't fully understand them, but I feel like there is a lot of metaphors and hidden meanings. Some of the lines were participation good such as: "the ribcage of rock fathoms deep..." and so on...well at least half of that stanza was well done.
Well, thanks for posting this, it was a good read.
Herro, Persy! The dark one of The Epic Ice Cream Warriors of Pluto has come to review your creation.
First I'd like to point out any major mistakes within your work, and luckily there are none! ^_^ As for minor mistakes, I'd like to point out what I see.
Something quite obvious to me is the lack of capitalization. In poems, that is not such a big deal, but I would rather it be included. To me, no work is completed without proper capitalization. However, your work, your call.
Next. This might be just me, but when I read this over, I can't help but feel that some of the commas can be removed or replaced with periods.
Example: "in the cave of my cheek, under the shelf of my tongue,
listen."
Read it yourself. Do you see it?
Well, it seems that besides what my opinions state, your poem is utterly perfect. Right on, Persy. Keep it up like you have for nearly three years.
~The dark one.
Right, taking time out of not failing exam time to write this.
Ok firstly teach me how the heck you do linebreaks in the publishing centre. No matter what I do and the thousand times I try it makes chasms between each line.
One of the main things I feel is disjointed about this is your use of fill stops mid sentence and some of the choices of linebreak. It's not bad, to put it, but is sort of is abrupt on the eye and makes it feel incomplete.
I find it really hard to put my finger to it, but I'll just try running with the first instance.
Taking a look at this I feel like you have a ton of spots for semicolons but since there are so many they are avoided being used because otherwise there would be a semicolon overload. But despite this I still feel the punctuation isn't working at this point. Here is an alternate I can suggest.
Firstly stick a full-stop at the end of that first line so you can save your semicolon for a place where it would be appreciated more.
we are pulling gods out of ourselves.
we shed each other like
old skins; you crinkle
and I crack, our hands
pressing together when we pray.
I would do it like that because I feel like the crinkling and the cracking is part of the skins description. I could be wrong in interpretation, but the connotations certainly tend that way.
Ok once again I don't like the .
I am divided here, I think you should either use a semicolon or a : thing, colon, because what comes next is sort of like a list of what she is doing, so that's why I feel it works.
my god burns: she is arching her back,
or
my god burns; she is arching her back,
I am not liking the grammar at all at this point. First of all repeating the drowns with an and and a comma and in general how you have done it doesn't make sense. Effective by writing 'yours drowns, and drowns' you are saying. "Yours drowns and then drowns again."
Saying 'yours drowns and drowns' makes more sense grammatically but its not effective and sounds silly.
Second 'lays under the ribcage' also is a bit grammatically off with your use of 'lays'
This is how I would tackle the section.
me to battle — yours drowns.
it drowns as it lays under the ribcage
of a rock fathoms deep
Nice rhyme there proceeding. I thought you didn't like rhyme. I like it, it serves as a milestone point, somewhere the reader can anchor themselves poetically. Or maybe that's just be being biased toward good rhymes.
I would like to see some more solid or dramatic punctuation here than a comma. Maybe just a full-stop. This is because 1. I feel the comma runs it on a bit. 2. the way it is written makes it seem like she/he is insisting on showing you.
Some more ugly grammar right here.
I'd suggest:
nothing came but the heavy beats
But other alternatives like. I just don't like the then, comma, but, its just not working.
Another alternate, but more different to what you have, is:
but nothing came; only the heavy beats
Overall I don't really get what the sleep has which is significant. You use it in the end line which shows its something important to your poem yet in the whole poem it doesn't jump out as important. I am more captured by the images of gods and inner strength so the sleep idea isn't coming though and as a reader it's not expressing its purpose to me. I still don't know what that final line has to offer. To me its nothing.
Anyway, nice work. I was was reviewing and rereading it I came to like it more than when I first read it. Not your strongest piece out there, but you are still excellent with poetry.