Hi there, Persy.
I am so glad that you posted this. Your poetry always makes my day better. It's so beautiful.
Let me first address the title.
If I had not looked at the author of this poem, I would have bypassed it. I know it's supposed to be humorous, but it really does nothing for the poem, and only makes it sound childish and aggravating. Which this poem is not.
Please, I beg of you, find a new title for this lovely poem.
into familiar roadways and
of someone else there and
or caring, like the old pond in my backyard that filled up with
With all three lines above, move the last word to the beginning of the following line. The way you have it now makes me pause in odd spots. It feels a little jerky.
like if I'm so lonely in the dark maybe I can find a ghost
The like at the beginning of the line made me say (out loud) "Ack!" My roommate looked at me funny. If you use "as," a softer sound with the same meaning, you'll be golden. Or use a metaphor. But if you're attached to simile, "as" is the way to go.
of someone else there and
Apart from the odd pause at the end (which I've already addressed), "there" is bothering me. Are you looking for the ghost where you actually are? Or are you looking for the ghost in your skin, where you traced infinities? I suggest being more specific about where "there" is. It made me think of saying "of someone else between the layers of my skin and my hope." I don't know why. But my brain filled it in like that. Just thought I'd let you know my thoughts about that.
But I digress.
great big bloated frogs
"Great big" isn't doing it for me. Bullfrogs are big, yes? So if you said "scum and slime and bloated bullfrogs," the meaning wouldn't be all that different (bonus: you get to keep the alliteration in there).
in my fingers and toes and wrists, the delicate parts of me
and they faded away into stagnancy too;
I suggest ending the first line as a sentence, and starting a new one with the second. It feels a little run-on-y right now, and if you did that, it would feel much fresher.
This poem is filled with your beautiful, impossible thoughts. I love your writing. I hope this review was helpful to you. Happy poeting!
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