the birds built their nests
up in the rafters, where we’d laid
our letters, our lists
of wishes:
my brother said he asked
for a mind like a raft, floating
gently in an ocean of things to learn,
refusing to splinter and sink
even when the water throws him—
my mother asked for whisper-hands,
for something soft to keep for herself.
her body is stale and corded,
but I’d never known that she realized this.
she is the planks of wood
that make up our house.
my sister will not tell me
what she asked for, but she stares up at the birds
like they were her siblings
instead of us, and spends a day and a half
chirping and sitting and holding out a finger
for them to rest on,
but they don’t.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
Hi Persy, Dream here with review on your poem. First of all, Happy Review Day!
Your poem indeed need a sharp observation to approach connotation meaning behind the words chosen. I was thinking about the literal meanings that might gives a bit clues on it but yet I try to think of every possible idea that the word/ phrase could imply. Your poem appeared in every stanzaz with narrative element in which you talk about bird and the list of our( probably your brother, mother and sister?).
Your poem such as an irony when you gives the contrast between actual meaning and the suggestion of another meaning. Connection between birds with letters, made a list of hopes may have a deeper meaning. Birds that build nest could represent a 'life' that brings hope. So it is relevant with the hopes that was created.
It is a theme that seems simple but you intensified with figurative to provide variety and beauty of the poem. How I love the way you think here! The same with the end which quite a bit confusion to me, but I guess there is something I need to understand from these two lines. Overall, nice poem to read. Keep it up.
Kudos,cheers.
~Dream
I like how you show us the wishes of the family, and at the same time, tell us something about how that that family member looks to the speaker. The whole thing idea of the birds in the rafters seems to bring the family together, and I like that.
The lack of capitalization did bother me a bit, but I understand that a lot of poems are just like that, and it's not hindering to the flow of the poem. One other thing, though: what does the speaker wish for? It's just something that I was curious about at the end.
Overall, it's a very well organized and feeling poem, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
As a random side note, I love birds, and watching their behavior.
this is good have to amit. Hope that i could get better on writing poems i am just good for writing story. But hey to the hell of it this is for fun. I just hope you had fun writing this cause i know people who write amazing things but hate to write it self.
I really hope you didn't count this as a review
And i hope your not the one person on everything I do that i can't stand
You seem to have a quiet poem here, one that is intended to be read almost in a whisper. It holds pain and longing, all of which are displayed (for lack of a better word) nicely. This isn't my particular genre, though I have dabbled in it before, so I don't have much that I can say besides that you have done a good job articulating into words your ideas. However, I did notice that the beginning stanza:
"the birds built their nests
up in the rafters, where we’d laid
our letters, our lists
of wishes:"
Does not hold the same power, the same rhythm, or the same flow as the rest of the poem. I feel like the lines could be manipulated and made into 2-3 lines with an extra added to sort of make it match the rest of the poem. The introduction need not be the strongest part of your poem, but it does need to introduce the way your poem is going to work, otherwise the reader continues to attempt to read the poem the way the first stanza was set up, causing confusion throughout the rest of the poem.
Other than the first stanza, and the fact that you didn't capitalize anything (a pet peeve of mine, I would go back and capitalize each new line, or at least each new sentence) and you didn't put periods at the end of all of your thoughts, the rest of it was very well put together and powerful. I greatly enjoyed reading this poem. Good job and keep it up!