In answer, we lifted our hands to our mouths, threw back our heads, and howled and howled. The sound of it moved through everything: swelled, sped off into the woods, and disappeared. Tyler and I looked at each other, grinned at the wildness of it.
The moon was a fierce, daring thing -- far away, but it curved its sickled light onto the teeth of the trees. Its light made us pale, spread over the forested hills as if inviting us to drop to all fours and run through them. Next to me, Tyler let me out a small giggle, and we looked at the forest. It grew eyes, looked back.
"I'm hungry." His voice, small already, folded under the weight of the pale light.
Although he didn't bare his teeth, there was something feral about their presence in his mouth. Sharp. Big. The wolves called again, somewhere out in the middle of everything, softer, heavier this time. The sound of them settled before us.
I watched Tyler, how he scanned the hills as if looking for somewhere to go. I wondered where they were. I wondered if this is what hunting sounded like, if it was as warm as this sound, as full and inviting, or if we would immediately know, if it would crawl on our skin. The long minute pulled into two. Three. I looked at Tyler, his small hands, his delicate nose and ears.
I felt my own teeth in my mouth, grew aware of my short, soft tongue, my short, curved nails, how they just barely made half-moon shapes in my palms. My teeth were flat, did not snap.
"We wouldn't last a day."
- I don't care that this is not in normal poetry structure. That's why it's a prose poem. I don't want to hear about it in the comments.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Darn it, I was going to get a green room review for this.
Oh well.
A few small things:
The "me" in this felt weird, but that might just be my opinion.
The part after the "or" seemed like it was trying to say "or if it wasn't as good as it sounded," but I think the words fell short of actually saying that, and I'm not sure what you meant by "would immediately know."
I like how this starts in the middle of something ("In answer") but yet we know what they were answering by the middle of the poem.
I like the story in this; I love the feeling of longing that accompanies the wolves' cries and Tyler's movements. You use adjectives very strongly, and not over-done.
I kind of wish there was an end tie off to the moon (that is what started it all, after all) to make this feel less like an incomplete snippet of something else, and more like... a complete snippet of something else. I assume you were trying to get that snippet feel. There is obviously a larger story going on here, but it's not an important story to this point in time.
I like how you characterized Tyler as small, even though he appeared like a wolf, big animals. There's also the obvious connection to "wolfish" which is more like lustful, and the lust to go out and hunt with the wolves, Tyler's teeth seeming somehow lascivious to me.
Anyway, I really enjoyed reading this, and I could picture it all without an over-onslaught of images. Very nice.
Keep writing!
is it just me or do people comment without reading the whole thing nowadays
Not just you, I fear. *sighs* Some people don't even read more than the first few lines, then start writing.
Dear Pocket,
Although I'm not very good at writing poetry myself, I do quite enjoy reading others. What struck me about your poem however, is the lack common poetic structure. Poems have lines and stanzas, your's does not. While I can feel the rhythm of your poem when reading it, can imagine where the lines may go, it's currently written more like a story in paragraph form. Try reading it out loud to yourself, you'll be able to hear where the breaks go.
Other than that small structural detail, amazing poem. Lot's of imagery and personification. I was really intrigued by your overall voice. I'm unsure whether to feel at peace or slightly disturbed by the forest after this piece, I'll have to think on that...
I can tell you're a very confident writer (with a very impressive list of published items), so keep at it!
Can't wait to see more from you.
Until next time,
TheGirlNextDoor
okay this is a really good piece. but i would have liked it to continue. it felt like a shall chapter - actually just a single image- of a bigger novel. if you could just relate a few more incidents than only the description of this i would not be so dissatisfied. i also appreciate the writing skill which is wonderful in portraying emotions through mere words.
your story flows like a wave and attracts because of its vague mystery. but in the middle it gets quite monotonous and the reader expects something sudden- like a decision or an attack, the awaiting for that incident to happen is painful. next " own teeth in my mouth" and " we wouldn't last a day'' - what is it about that you are speaking?
and finally i think you have done some mistake in categorizing it as poetry as it is definitely not so.
the work is really attractive and the reader is interested by your style. only if you could fork on the grounds suggested i think it could turn out a master piece. why don't you try writing a novel?
i really look forward to read many more of your works...
Hi Pocket, are you full or empty? haha
Cheers.
Well, hello there. Honestly, I don't really review my senior's work whatsoever. But, today, I am gonna take a step further and write something here for you. Not a really fancy and amazing review but an old-fashioned type of review talking about stuff but not suggesting many useful things.
Anyway, here I go!
Is this really a poem? I mean, it is because you said so; but it is not because it sounds and the structure given to it looks more like a short story. Maybe it is because I am too dumb to know modern type of poetry! Pretty much possible.
But can you please tell me the reason as to why you think it is a poem and not a short story? And why did you give it this kind of a structure? The poem/story isn't bad though. It is really nicely written. It is a decent work done by you! I read it aloud in 3 different ways so I was kinda curious to write to you regarding it's structure.
Other than that, I really liked it. You are super talented and well experienced so I am sure there must be something which made you write this poem this way.
Well, here I am, signing off. Thanks for sharing such unique poetry of yours. I'll try to write poems your way