I would break my knuckles begging.
My hands hang sad and loose
against the pavement, and
drag like broken branches.
I have learned not to spread roots
and yet, when I leave, I can’t help but feel
the concrete has opened itself for my body to settle in.
A man gave me a dollar for my asking
and told me not to use it for booze.
I tucked it in the toe of my shoe, a wish
for a well that I could not fill –
saving for rain I was not sure would fall.
I sleep under the trees that line the river that circles the town.
In the winter, the river is dry and asking.
In the spring, it is dry and asking.
The leaves in its belly rattle
against one another like bones
when the wind moves through them.
My body has learned the strangeness of my bed.
It has conformed to its shape, shoulders chipping away
into cliffsides. My chest is barely open but is hollowed out
as the deep space under the bridge
arcing over the river of my home.
The echoes of the leaves’ rattles catch like flies
in its dark, and rebound, and rebound.
I sleep on my side and wake
with my hands together like two pages
of a book, and not for a moment
do I wonder what I am praying for.
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The first stanza is awkwardly worded, I'd consider revising there. You also should be careful how you separate your lines, when a line is broken up it makes you want to add a pause there and cause the sentence to not be read correctly.
For example "The leaves in its belly rattle [[insert pause here]] against one another like bones"
Reading it like that sounds a bit awkward right?
Same thing over here "...shoulders chipping away into cliffsides." I feel as though it would work if you left it at just "Chipping away." however if you do keep the cliff side in there, just put a space, its two words ^-^
"The echoes of the leaves’ rattles ..." This part over here sounds a bit awkward, perhaps change it to something like " The echo of the leaves' rattling catches like fire..." ? fire is more know for catching than flies?
Other than those few things I thought it was lovely and will surely check back for more! :]
~Happy writing!!
Spoiler
Anyways.
Your first stanza, I almost want to remove the last three lines? Or at least tinker with them a bit. How can your hands hang loose...but then be squished against pavement? OH! Unless, you mean they drag against the pavement? Aha. Makes much more sense, now.
Your second stanza is perhaps my favorite -- especially that last line! The only thing is that the first line, when you break with "asking" -- every re-read, I'm always going "asking what?" My suggestion would be to change it to "questions" so it reads: A man gave me a dollar for my questions. It still gives the reader a sense of wonder as to /what/ questions, which I think is what you intend for that line. (My interpretation is that the questions asked don't really matter -- and I like that it's not specified)
I'm also tempted to remove this line: a wish for a well that I could not fill. (The feeling of dejection and emptiness is rampant throughout the poem, so this line doesn't really add anything) So that it reads clean and without delineation: I tucked it in the toe of my shoe. / Saving for rain.
Your third stanza -- Wow, the word "asking" here actually words so much better, keep it just like that. I want to condense this:
rattle like bones, bleghch. If you just say that "the leaves rattle", I already know whatcha mean. The mention of the wind moving through them is superfluous.
Fourth stanza - don't change a thing.
^ Lovely. I will be reading this over and over and over to myself.
~ Auds
heartfucker is my new favorite word and ty for the brilliant review <3