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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
i.
Pers,
I like how you say
"still too" far away, like, scrunching together all these quantifying words in one breath makes for this rich first line packed with meaning and so many questions.
The narrator seems to be searching for (closeness? / everything?) The doctor is searching for some illness. And the animal is searching for a way out. And wala! Tension. Beautiful.
ii.
I think the confusion in this stanza is whether or not the hands are made of wood (in which case, like some reviewers have suggested, it should be "out of"). OR
And here's my idea- I think you'll like this idea for your poem much better: whether this guy's hand was literally stuck inside a giant woodblock and he had to carve it out. Very 127-hours of you, except with wood, rather than a rock. I'm just guessing you mean the former and not the latter? (Who am I kidding, it's totally the latter, right? RIGHT?! YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT! :3).
iii.
How annoying when you take a screenshot and spellcheck goofs on you? UGH. Hate my life. The lead-up to this stanza was so carefully crafted, I think we need a bit more about the purposefully shaped part of that line in the previous parts. It kind of brings Bible-imagery to mind, but then, it's so ambiguous and vague. It could very well just refer to the fact that every body part has a function, and it's exactly the scarcity in the poem that makes that "purposefully" feel as though it were highlighted, bolded, and flashed with neon lights, maybe cut the break in the line differently if that's not your intention to emphasize it? Or if it is your intention to emphasize it, give us more specificity as to your meaning of the "purposeful" rather than leaving it vague?
That's really a tiny suggestion though. From "floats like a figurehead" up to the end, it is perfect and I wouldn't change a thing.
Overall, I love this poem. The first and third stanza especially. The second stanza was "meh", I understand it in terms of setting up for the conclusion, but I think what I dislike about that particular stanza was that where the other two had so much meaning packed into so little words (and were also very clean and crisp and precise - not a word out of place), the second stanza seems to meander. My mind is jumping from wood to graves to satellites and back to slaughtering submissive beings. It's a lot of ideas and not enough time to digest them all.
Hope this helps,
~ as always, Audy
thx bb
Hello there, Pocket!
I'm here to review your piece. There isn't much to critique, because this poem is nearly flawless! I loved everything about it, from the way you break it up into three parts to the choice of words. It's lovely!
I respectfully disagree with the reviewer down below about this line:
"is everything still
too far away?"
I love it! I think it's a great opening to the poem, because this piece is organic. It doesn't fit a single mode- it's ambiguous. The meaning of each line could be so many different things, so beginning with this question is a good way to start, in my opinion. You talk about drifting away in the middle of the ocean towards the end, as well as floating, and being "far away" goes along with this theme of drifting and uncertainty.
The only line I felt that was out of place is "you carve your hands out from wood."
I feel like it's worded a bit oddly. Even changing it to "you carve your hands OUT of wood" would flow better.
Otherwise, I think this poem is perfect! You have amazing natural talent, and this is one of my favorite poems on the site right now! I will definitely be reading more of your poetry.
Happy writing,
Kali Lennon
Correction up above^ I meant to say "you carve your hand out OF wood," changing "from" to "out." Sorry about that- caps on the wrong word.
Hi Pocket~
I'm sorry, but this is going to be a relatively short review. Your piece is fantastic, and if I remember correctly, so was the last piece of yours that I took the time to review. However, some parts of it do seem slightly all over the place.
To me, your first stanza is intriguing, but it feels fragmented from the rest of your poem. The inquiry you make at the beginning
does in fact correlate with your main idea. Frankly, it really introduces your work with a bang, which is always a good thing. I'm immediately drawn in to read the rest of the piece. Then your stanza continues with the light reaching down the mouth like a doctor or an animal finding its way out of a cave, and I love that. The description is perfect, and the contrast between the two examples you use enhances your metaphor. I love it. I continue on to read the rest of your poem. It has this earthy feel to it. Nothing like the intro; you never bring that light metaphor back around like you do with the wood metaphor. You just kind of leave it hanging.
I really enjoy the theme you focused your work around; the idea that to the narrator, everything seems far away, and if not, they are always gravitating away from something or other. It seems as if we are made to leave the places in which we originated. You are really able to reinforce this idea with the second and third sections of the poem.
This has to be one of my favorite lines in the entire poem. I wasn't expecting you to finish with the wood metaphor. It kind of jumped out on me, and WHOA, I was hooked and completely mesmerized. It really brought your ideas full circle.
This messed with my mind a little bit. The way you switched from talking about the character represented by "you", and the narrator. I was lead (or mislead, depending) to believe that the "you" in the story was carving their hands out of wood. Assuming this was the case, you then spend the third section of the poem describing how the narrator's body is the one that has been shaped out of wood. The inconsistencies are slightly confusing. That switch between "you" and "I" seems almost random.
This is stunning. It tells the reader that things that are far away are at times solid; when people stay stationary and have that split-second decision whether to move on or not are often mile-markers of sorts of a person's life. Graves. Satellites. I have no idea if my interpretation is at all misconstrued, but that's what I got from this stanza. It's wonderful.
I really enjoyed this! You really have a way with words.
Best wishes
Savvy