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139,533 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hi. This is kman134. I'm here to review your work.
It was short and simple, but it was pretty good. I can understand how you feel. sometimes, when i'm depressed, i feel like a flea or an amoeba, insignificant to something greater and just wish to fade from existence.
you remarked the with rand geographical characteristics of Oakland and San Fransisco perfectly and pointed out the entropic flaws. the stanza's were well-writtened and spaced perfectly.
the emotional tone was calm and serene and the symbolisms was a little nihilistic and depressing, but insightful in the mind of one's being. it has a very existential undertone that questions why we exist and whether or not we matter in the world.
anyway, this was pretty good. i hope you write more.
Hi this is Silberfee to review your poem!!
I really like small poems because they focus on a detailed image without using a lot of complex analogies, as with yours I liked the contrast between size throughout the poem (person compared with horizon/cars dominated by Oakland then San Francisco, which is dominated by the bay whom is also dominated by construction
I do have one small comment ..I think it would be more effective for you to change the word 'thing' into air...thing is far too vague and doesn't create an image in the mind.
Hey bb. So I'm not big into very large critiques anymore because who has the energy for them? But I do have some reflections on this that I think could angle your brain one way or another. But first know it's lovely and soft and very hard-working for its size, so you get lotsa points just for the poem doing what poems should do. Like, yay.
So you avoid the dreaded navel gazing in a poem about you being reduced and undignified--though it's a poem about you and the city and parallels, but the distancing becomes a bit too much in the final lines when you speak of the construction workers drinking on the shore / animals on the shore / let's let the kids think there are hippos drinking water in the SF bay idc. It takes the distance too far and you lose a bit of sight of the point of degradation that you were aiming for, I think, and instead I believe there could be another ignoble example of, hey, even drunkards on the job if you want, elsewhere in the city because you know the place. I just know there must be a better example that doesn't break the imagery build.
Otherwise it's wise and delicate and you do a lot with a little, and I always appreciate it.
All of it with love n junk,
Ty