I remember seeing summer in your eyes.
"I woke up."
your hands were clammy
and small, withdrew from mine
like a sliver. I was left with a small wound,
imperceptible but cruel.
my days are sixteen hours long.
I sleep for ten of them and
ache for six.
eight hours are lost in thought.
it’s cold.
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Hey there Persy! Future is here to review your work. Nice poem! The Bad: "your hands were clammy
and small, withdrew from mine." The word "withdrew" doesn't work here, grammatically speaking. Maybe change it to withdrawing. I also don't understand why there are quotes around the words in the second line. I also don't get the title.
The Good: I loved the first line, and how it sort of contrasts with the last line, (Because summer is hot, not cold... Just to explain if you didn't do that on purpose.)
Thanks for posting this; it was entertaining to read! I hope the review was helpful.
P.S. I love your picture thing of Judy Garland.
This was a relatively good piece man, but it left me with a few questions. Such as:
What is a sliver?
What exactly are you going on about?
And, why don't you be more descriptive?
I had a bit of trouble getting emotionally sucked into this poem, which is a problem. You want people do get sucked in, you need some work buddy.
But keep writing, these tips will only help you improve.
google is your friend if you don't know what a word means - ty for the review
I suppose that's a good point.
I thought that this was pretty good.
But your grammar leaves something to be desired. There are several instances where you didn't capitalize where it was necessary, such as at the beginning of you sentences.
Unless, of course, you intended it to be that way. If so, I apologize.
You wrote this very well, and the flow is good, but I'm afraid that I don't quite understand line of dialogue near the beginning. Who is speaking, to whom, and why are they speaking?
You create a lot of questions to which the reader (namely me) cannot find the answer.
The wording you used was powerful in its' simplicity, and I think that the length is perfect. It's not to long, and it's not to short. As Goldilocks put it, it's just right.
Peace, Love, and Pixie Dust,
HT