light pours through
open things like
windows and doors and sometimes
when we are still and quiet
and breathing at the same pace as other things breathing,
light approaches us like a fawn,
trembles & passes through
the fleshy nets of our palms,
presses its wet nose
at the base of our throat.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,017 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
This is such a charming peice, the flow is beautiful. I think there's something classic and old-timey about the way you write. The beautiful imagery you've put in gives me goosebumps. Well done.
Fantasydragon01 in the house!!!!!!!!!!!! I am here to review.
I love poetry and I like reviewing poetry.
First off, you did a good job on the poem. Short, sweet, and to the point. I like that. It does not drag on. If it did, then I probably would not have been reviewing this.
Some parts, however, yes that big, fat 'however', some parts were really confusing.
"light approaches like a fawn
trembles and passes through
the fleshy nets of our palms
presses its wet nose
against the base of our throat."
What is this supposed to mean? Does this have to do anything with light? Sure, I know what that light shines and stuff like that, but this is a bit confusing.
"And sometimes when we are still and quiet and breathing at the same pace as other things breathing." This is a bit strange. You are saying that light pours through windows and doors. "We" is not an open thing. "And breathing at the same pace as other things breathing." I kind of get that, but not entirely. I suggest that you read this to yourself. Reading things to yourself, especially when you do it slowly, can be really helpful. Try it.
Also, the 'l' as in "light pours through" should be capitalized. Capitalization is very important. Please watch out for any mistakes like that.
Great job and never give up!
Good luck and keep writing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Very truly yours,
fantasydragon01.
Hey there! Here to review this lovely piece for you.
Because this is so short and mostly perfect, I'm not sure I'm going to be much help, but I'll try anyway.
I love the concept behind it, and I love the imagery you used. I agree with Monsters, it is very striking and unique.
I feel like there should be a comma somewhere in the vicinity of "when we are still and quiet," but I'm not quite sure where it should go. Ideally, I think it should go after "when we are still and quiet," but because the next to lines have commas at the end, I think that would make it more awkward. Instead, maybe you could change the comma at the end of "light approaches us like fawn" to a period, and then add in the other comma.
I'm on the fence about the ampersand. On the one hand, I didn't really notice it the first time through, which means it's not that much of a distraction. However, the more I think about it, the more it doesn't quite seem to fit. It seems kind of old-fashioned for the feel of the poem. It's up to you whether to keep it or replace it with "and." I'm not sure what I would do.
Lastly:
I think "to the base of our throat" would sound better.
And that's it! Thanks for a great read.
Your image of a fawn comparing it to light is so interesting. I defiantly get what you mean and the images of both. You come off very sophisticated and emotional there. That kinda thing is what makes your poems so good. Another thing is the
Is a stroke of genius to me, which I think is something you have alot. Some people contort cliches and I think you just usually have none at all. It is something to admire. Though, I don't do reviews to tell you I like everything - I think this can be improved still.
right about the point of;
It sounds a little awkward. I think for the most part it's the comma on first line of the quote above. Adding a 'would' might help that too or perhaps changing presses to pressing could help it as well. I think 'its' in the second to last sentence should be his or her because it kind-of jumps out of the whole fawn simile and makes me think it's talking about light again.
Also, sense you already referred to light you could say 'it', I think it would come off a little stronger. It's too long away to be added for that alteration effect in my opinion - if that's what you were going for. That's just my preference, though, one could argue the other way.
Just something to think about.
I loved this poem, it had a very nice flow to me. And this is good because we need some good poets in the world. But the only thing was the second line when you used the word "like", It would be better to use "as," or "such as." And the end of the 3rd line when you had "and sometimes," that should have its own line in my opinion. But other than that, It's beautiful.