when I felt something in me crumble,
I called the doctor and scheduled
an appointment.
she took my pulse
and lifted my shirt, reaching down into my chest
to feel my heart,
casually asking me what I’d been eating,
how many times I’ve slept in the past week
and I said everything
tasted like salt,
I went to the ocean because I heard
listening to its to-and-fro voice
helps you have good dreams and
I was crumbling, right here
and now, falling to sand in her office,
trying to remember what sleeping
feels like and forgetting more
and more.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hey love. I was looking for something to review, and I stumbled upon this lovely gem.
Like Audie, I have nothing technicality wise to offer you. It's polished and clean, just the way I like it. So I can sink my teeth into the meaning. :3
First off, I absolutely loved the title. Your titles are normally creative, but this one was fantastic. Sometimes, there are poems that really stick with me. This is one of them.
But let's talk about the first stanza.
The first stanza is very pedestrian to me. While I appreciate the plain language in this poem, this felt to plain. This could be in a prose work, and it leaves a little bit of a bad taste in my mouth.
The second stanza is better. Still the pedestrian talk, but it fits better. Now I can see where the speech fits. It makes me feel very detached, which I think was actually your goal. Because the narrator seems very detached. Mechanical. And it's interesting to read. Because you don't see it very often.
But then, we do a switch, and the third stanza is suddenly poetry again. And it's still in the pedestrian speech, which is starting to grow on me, but it's metaphorical, and it's very different from the first two stanza in the fact that it's a little fanciful. I like it, it's an interesting and strong metaphor, but it's a bit out of place because of the previous stanzas.
Then suddenly, we switch back. If I were you, I'd either work on adding more imagery to all the stanzas, or rewrite the middle one, so that it's a little more mechanical.
Because, I think that's what it is. The other stanzas are very mechanical and cold, while the other warms up because the character was trying to make itself feel better, while in all the other lines you put us under the impression that the character was only doing what they had to do.
There's a beautiful brokenness to this poem. And part of me wishes you'd continued a little bit, expanding. However, I think the shortness contributes to it being so beautiful. You barely give us time to enjoy it before it's over, and that's very similar to the images you're handing us in the poem itself.
I'm echoing Audy a lot, so I'm going to echo her again. The ocean line made me sad. But in that beautiful way that makes you feel something, because it's a pretty line. I love it. But the rest... The rest doesn't live up the expectation you've set.
Now, before I close this very rambling review that's really just giving my thoughts and no real constructive criticism (sorry dear, I really love this poem, it's hard to find any issues with it).
I feel like this poem is about someone who truly has nowhere to turn. They've been pushing themselves to the limit, forgetting (maybe on purpose) to eat and sleep. I think when you talk of the good dreams bit, you're telling us, indirectly that sleeping brings bad dreams. Which is best kind of telling! Because we have to figure it out for ourselves.
Anywho, I really do like this poem. The broken feeling seeped into me as I read it, and that's wonderful.
Think about what I said about the imagery/lack of imagery. Because there is imagery... It's just hidden by the way you present it to us. Which is either good or bad, I can't decide. Just re-read it, and tell me when you use similar language in the other stanzas as you do in the third.
--Spark
I found like this could really relate to a lot of people. I love the line "trying to remember what sleeping feels like and forgetting more and more." I don't really know why. I also thought that it was a great ending to the poem. I also like the opening line "When I felt something in me crumble, I called the doctor and scheduled and appointment." You did a great job on writing this poem. I don't even think I could do half as well. I look forward to hearing some more of your pieces.
Pers,
There's not much I can offer for you technical-wise, so this is just going to be about my impressions/exploration. For disclaimer's sake, I'm just going to say right now that there's nothing constructive I can say as this poem is looking pretty polished/near complete, anyway!
...So here goes!
The title itself is beautiful and almost like a poem all on its own. I love titles like that :3 Immediately, it kind of sets the tone for the piece and for the narrator - and I agree with a previous reviewer,your speaker(s) in your poems all have this very broken, fragile tone. Like an almost-death (heartbeat like a whisper) or a fear of death (we tend to whisper when we're afraid). Themes of helplessness, yadda yadda--yeah, you know what your own stuffs is like, I needn't elaborate!
SO! Title that sets the tone/perspective - check! The next two stanzas don't reallly do much poetically for me, except, I guess it can help me relate with the scene. We all know what it's like at a doctor's office, and the two stanzas sort of slow that down for us. It's really just set-up.
The real fun begins here:
this is just sad :c makes me sad. The ocean (to me) is like that place that the speaker goes searching for happiness/hope/something, and s/he couldn't find it there. The speaker knows s/he is broken and needs some sort of cure/fix and here we are. Whether or not s/he's really sick, s/he's crumbling down. because how are we to know if we're sick, if we can't even remember when we were healthy? Were we always sick? Always sad? Or maybe it's just a long time. In this case -- has it been ignorance? neglect? lack of a fix/cure that has prolonged this visit? Still sad.
SO! A lot of the times, it's not very clear the narrative-context for this "mood". We know the narrator has this ehh baggage(?) but we don't know why. Is the narrator lost? Marginalized? A break-up? Drug addict? A failure? Sick? Dissatisfied? It could be any and all of these things that makes her/him "sick". I think the question I keep asking myself is whether the context/reasons behind the actions matter. I feel like the answer to that question can go either way depending on the poem and is going to largely be dependent on the reader. Like, a reader can like the ambiguity and bring their own baggage onto the table and enjoy it thusly! Or a reader can be left with questions, as it's also not clear whether you intend ambiguity or something more specific. I'm going to assume the former, though.
That "moment" that the poem describes in this scene is so clear, vivid. You have successfully and succinctly put us in those shoes during that moment, and I can feel the devastation and the grasping at straws in the end when all memory of life fails. In some of your other poems, we are placed in those similar feels-y-moments and the reading experience becomes this almost search for hope, y'know? How can we cope with those feels? The resolution to those poems becomes about coping, whether that takes place in the form of some kind of illumination or epiphany/sudden knowledge. Or one's acceptance of the beakness, yadda yadda. In any way, seems to be the narrative structure to a lot of your poems (that I've read anyway. One day I'll go on a persy-binge and re-visit some and discover others of yours, methinks...)
This poem doesn't do that though. There's not really hope or illumination, rather, you've left us right at a cliffhanger >:l
My experience is like... I got on YWS all happy and dandy and then clicked your poem, and it was like: Here, have some sad! and I was like. Oh. Okay, sure! ...okay, but now what?
And the poem looks at me and it's like, 'nope. that's all i got.'
:c damn you, poem.
But the poet in me still smiles because this poem made me become the speaker. Like. I am now the speaker. And I am now looking at that poem wanting some sort of resolution the way the speaker looked at that doctor wanting some sort of cure and now I can't even remember the last time a Persy-poem made me feel happy. And why do I need a poem to make me feel happy or sad or whatever, when life clearly does not work that way. *sighs* and then again, I suppose that's the whole point.
damn you, poem! <3
- Auds
I'll write something happy just for you <3
Ohh.
I like this...
Boo!
So, I really like this!
Just wanted to say: "I went to the ocean because I heard
listening to its to-and-fro voice
helps you have good dreams and " I love the imagery you're bringing here, but the lines themselves seem a bit awkward to me. As in, I'm not sure what, but I think it could be made nicer. This is all I can articulate, sorry.
// not a review, just a thought that passed through my head and I decided to leave you a note.
Review below is the best
|
|
V
Not okay to do this.
Hi Persy, I noticed something about all the poems that you have written, it appears with a nearly identical tone of voice. Bring an image of 'gloomy' and 'helpless'. Poem appears to have its own strength in the form of narrative plots arranged along fine in every stanzas. This poem may be related to a patient with mental illnesses / symptoms of low mood due to a miserable life? (Wait, that's just my opinion).
An end in poem fairly well and bring up another question. She tried to remember the last time he ever experienced, where life may still be normal for her(What sleeping feels like)But she failed to remember all of it and even had forgotten about it.
Overall, really nice poem to read here. Some of part the poem may seem a little confusing where I'm not sure what it was intended to convey within the poem. It is like a question without an answer, and I apparently need to find it on my own. Keep writing!
Kudos, cheers