i find, at times, i disappear.
sometimes i simply step out,
like a doctor who’s gone for a smoke,
an out of body experience, a ghost
getting lost in the corners of my house.
sometimes i flicker and am gone,
just for a moment or two,
a black, open mouthed, looming
moment or two in which my body collapses in itself
and i am left only with
myself.
the man next door keeps offering
to change my porch light.
it burnt out three weeks ago,
and i don’t own a ladder but my voice
is too rusty for answering him.
i scurry inside my home
like an animal and he asks
again each day after. i
am afraid, i am almost sure
that the burnt out bulb
is inside my own chest too --
i can feel it when i spread my arms real wide,
something clumsily tucked between bones like
a hope chest and as much
as its corners don't fit my ribs, as much trouble i have
seeing in the dark sometimes,
i could not imagine
its absence.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,874 Reviews
Nice. I like.
Great overall, but there are a few areas that could use tweaking. It didn't come across why you decided to use the lowercase i--to spite grammar nazis or as a style choice?
The doctor imagery isn't really relevant, except if you're a fan of Dr. Who--it doesn't have a place here. I liked the house allusion.
The second stanza has "in (on) itself" and "myself", referring to the same person, but both are not necessary.
"tucked between the bones" Excellent texture there.
The ending is clever, but a little tweaking to show how the light is still burnt out--bring it back to that symbol, and you've got yourself quite a zinger.
Keep going, your work is great.
Ryan
Hi Persy!
First off, i would like to say this was a beautiful piece. I can feel the awkwardness and the sadness in the poem, and it definitely spoke to me. The advice I would have would be to make sure that your lines flow well. Some of them ended a bit quickly or went on to long. For example, when you say you don't own a ladder, the voice part should be a different line. Maybe you were going for a disjointed feel, in which case I would be wrong. Either way, it's just a thought. Anyway, I still liked it a lot. I absolutely love the characterization. Keep writing!
-Storygirl95
Hello Persy!
So By this point in my YWS life I've read several of your poems. Of the ones that I have read, I seem to be getting a hang of your style. You generally have some underlying idea tucked underneath seemingly unrelated or insignificant events. Sometimes I miss that deep underlying idea, and I have no idea what you are trying to convey through your poem, if you're trying to convey anything at all. I feel like there is something here to gather from this, but honestly I have no idea what it is. But I will attempt to understand this and provide you with a somewhat helpful, or at least insightful review.
So what I gather from the first part of the poem is that this person seems to be suffering from some sort of memory lapses, or just those times where you sit there blankly. I know those kinds of times. Every day at lunch, I just sit in silence staring. I could be reading or writing like I do at other points in the day, but I just stare and eat. I have no idea what I think about, but I know that I do think. That's what I think of when I read your first two stanzas.
Then we get to the part with the porch light, and I just get confused. I see how you tie it in with
But Other than that, it seems kind of random... which characterizes your poems. Kind of disjointed events tied together loosely.
So I assume that the title is what it is because of the darkness of the porch light: the person can't see what key they need in the darkness, and they rely solely on feel to find which key is right. While they're fumbling, I assume that's when the neighbor comes out and asks them about this light problem. And then this person, scared by human contact, perhaps? "scurries" indoors, away from this creepy neighbor and the darkness.
Darkness is definitely a big part of this poem; it's obvious from the very last lines. I'm getting the feeling that this person, while they may find darkness inconvenient at times, still needs it to feel secure. If I am interpreting this right, I'm not quite sure how this feeling has to do with the feeling of absence of mind that I gathered from the first two stanzas.
Well, sorry this review is mostly a horrible attempt at me interpreting your poem, but I know you know how to spell and punctuate and separate your lines, and I know you're going to do it however the heck you want to. What I'm hoping you can gain from my interpretation is just an understanding of how someone who isn't in your head sees this poem. What your audience thinks. If from what I said you realized that you were sending an unintentional message, then maybe this did help you. I dunno.
Okay. I'm done now. Keep writing. I liked this poem even though I didn't understand it.
~fortis
This is so beautiful. I could relate to this poem very well. I loved the line breaks and everything about this poem. The analogies were perfect and fit the poem very well. Very well done.
Hey there! aouther2b here to review your great piece.
What I liked:
1. The message. This may just be the cynic in me talking but I think that this idea is potrayed through a strong use of language. The lightbulb representing life is rather original for me.
2. The imagery and metaphor. A lot of your piece is filled with them and they work really well to get your message across.
What I didn't like:
1. The flow. At times it was a bit too fast and messed with how your read it. An example is what herbgirl said about "looming" and "moment" being on the same line. There are a few others but I'm sure if you reread this again you can find them, if not feel free to ask.
2. Another echo of herbgirl is the uncapitalized "i"s in this piece. If it was intentional feel free to just ignore this comment, however those who are picky about capitalization will be more apt to critisize you for it rather than give it the praise it so deserves.
Overall:
Great piece. I enjoyed the message and understood it really well. Connecting all throughout this piece is really something great. Keep writing!
In general, I like this poem. Before I compliment you, though, I'm gonna be mean.
I didn't like how you didn't capitalize the i's. Well, I sorta did because it made the poem sound simpler, like the character really is broken.
In the second stanza, I think you should put "looming" and "moment" on the same line.
I liked how you compared the light bulb to something in your chest, that was cool. The title is cool, and that's what got me to read this poem, but it doesn't really go with the poem.
herby
the title is about her fumbling with the keys because the porch light is out
thanks for the review