there is a little
bit of dark in everything:
even in the large
glass lights
hanging
from the ceilings,
lying close to the walls,
as if trying
to get closer
to the sounds
inside them --
when i curl into
out of them,
i rattle against
it sides, take
some of it
into my skin;
when i tipped
myself out
of the boat,
i half-expected
to keep falling,
all the way to the dark,
far ocean floor,
through it, into the black
beyond it,
but when i touched
the water, i
stretched thin
into only threads,
spread my finned
limbs until they
were detangling
into liquid,
and when
the smallness of me,
the transparency,
light-keeping,
finally touched
the deep
dark bottom,
i bled
my deep
dark shadows into it,
brought it
the sun.
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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139,533 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Things that I liked:
I liked the flow of the poem, it was a nice pace for this style. It seems to be the exact thoughts of someone drowning. I like the thought that you put into your poem.
Things that you need to improve on:
The title does not match this poem.
There are several grammar errors.
There need to be capitals at the beginning of your stanzas.
Overall:
It was very enjoyable to read, but you need to take the advice and praise that we wrote to you. Keep writing!
I think this is a very interesting poem, and I love how you kept the lines as short as possible, but they still have significant meaning.
Just a few grammatical things, I believe you might be looking for the word "dispersing" or "disintegrating" when you say "were detangling into liquid". Maybe not, but detangling doesn't make great sense here and I don't think it is a word either. Also "i rattle against it sides" should maybe be "i rattle against its sides", the plural flows better here and makes the meaning a bit clearer, but I love the idea and the image you make.
Wonderful job here! Keep up the great work and the fantastic abstract thoughts!
I am, as a general rule of thumb, really not a fan of enjambments, or of telegraphic poetry for that matter, especially when the enjambments really do not respect the articulations of the poem's natural flow, which the above poem does not.
Now that that is out of the way, it does mostly work here. I actually had to read it multiple times the poem to pinpoint why that is.
First off, there is a very disjointed feeling to the poem, due to its formatting, but that is obvious. What is a bit less obvious, is that almost every verse enforces a fairly strong mental picture (with a few notable exceptions, but then again, it would have been weird to have 3 long verse), which means that the poem does mirror the thought process of someone slowly sinking to the bottom of the ocean, slowly losing conscience, desperately trying to gather his thoughts.
So it is actually pretty good, if someone like me, who is inherently incredibly biased against the poem can see that it does work in its own way, though I do lament that you used longer verses.
i don't get it
good talk