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staring/reaching/finding

by Button



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109 Reviews


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Wed Mar 22, 2017 12:55 am
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Nightshade wrote a review...



There are five hints I see at what the speaker is being compared to here:
- garden is filled with statues (statue)
- begin to wilt (plant)
- moss creeping over my shoulders (statue)
- reflection, grey and murky (statue)
- light coming into the room, originally seeking you (plant)
The fact that they don't all point to the same thing leaves me unsure of what lens to see the speaker through, which muddies a poem that has a strong core and some really nice, delicate imagery. I prefer the plant angle. Your language is delicate and beautiful, which works better thematically with a plant comparison. Plus, the speaker feels like they were once more alive, but it's fading from them (wilting), which obviously works better with a plant.

I think statues and stones fit well tonally with the poem though, and there's plenty to work with as far as interactions between plant and stone. I'm just distracted by the speaker personally being represented in both ways.

"I am still, in the morning. I shower"
Breaks the nice flow you have through the rest of the poem. I notice it most if I say it out loud. On the opposite end, I love "shy and minute, and I stare." although I feel like the "and" there might be able to go away.

This poem makes me wish for more poetry with plant imagery, particularly since you can pull it off well. Even in wilting, there's a comfort and patience, like the decay is something that has long ago been accepted, even embraced.




Button says...


<3s



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Tue Mar 21, 2017 10:38 pm
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Hannah wrote a review...



Persy,

It would be easy to say the same as the other two reviewers have, and to be honest, that was my first instinct as well. It didn't seem to have a spark or some special reward for me to carry with after reading. Then I realized that this poem lends itself very easily to multiple re-reads, particularly because of its length, but also because of the ambiguity of its message.

I had intended to say something like asking you to change the first line to "The" garden instead of "My" garden, because it seemed to clash with the image I'd built up during the second read, of a statue moving through a daily routine. But then I realized that "My" garden in this new context begets an image of not only this single statue, but other statues in arms, whether they are owned by the speaker or simply accompanied by the speaker.

And of course, this was all read with the assumption that the speaker is human, and did not have the mental capacity at the time to try to consider what else the speaker might be.

What I'm saying is that although it seems like a quick, easy poem, ask the readers to confidently describe in "plain English" the message it gives, and I think they will find it's more complex than they first felt.

Thanks for sharing, love. PM or reply if you have any questions about the review.

Hannah




Button says...


Hannah ty for gracing me with this and <3



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Tue Mar 21, 2017 9:49 pm
MeisterChan wrote a review...



Hey, Button! Scythe here for a quick review.

I liked what you did, comparing the person to the statues and making her seem depressed—Still and motionless. You almost made her seem dead inside: "grey and murky"..."seeks out something more alive."

However, the poem did feel kind of flat to me, like there was nothing extraordinary about it. It was dull in the way it was read, I can't say I found a particular reason as to why but the person was speaking monotonously, almost like it was some poorly rehearsed interview.

Good work nonetheless, I hope to read more of your work in the future :)

- ScytheMeister




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Tue Mar 21, 2017 12:18 pm
CrimsonQuill wrote a review...



Hi there, Button! Crimson here for a review!

Upon a quick read through, my first impression is that it seems very serene, but almost flat. Very little dynamic, the style is thoroughly consistent. There's also very little imagery, leaving a lot up to the reader. This seems fairly effective, but there are one or two places where I think some additional well-crafted imagery would really add to the poem. I'd suggest probably in talking about the moss, and the light towards the end (which I assume is referring to the sunrise, but I can't be sure).

I got the sense that you're comparing the speaker here to the statues -- the moss grown over their shoulder, as though they are slowly becoming a statue and slowing to a halt themselves. It is reminiscent, for me at least, of depression, and how paralysing yet sometimes serene and apathetic it can be.

Keep up the good work! This was awesome!





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