by grains

Hi! There are parts of this poem that I think are very strong, but other areas that could probably use a few changes. Let's start with the positives.

Firstly, the introductory section is very good. I like the choice of similes, and the fact that the reader is left wondering what it is that has collapsed. Secondly I enjoyed the ending, particularly the contrast between the "tiny inconsequential weight" of the thing that collapsed, and the tall mountain that it was compared to at the beginning.

There are, however, a few things that I'm not so keen on. I realise that the repetition of small in the middle section was probably deliberate, but I'm not really sure that it works. 'Small' is not a very interesting word, and after the first time it really feels like you're working too hard to drive the point home that this thing wasn't very big. There are plenty of other, more emotive words that could help to set the reader up with the feelings of pity and sadness that the last few lines deliver so well. In fact, I'd be tempted to cut "between its small teeth" entirely, and change the adjectives to describe the breath and the throat (e.g. weak and narrow?). Secondly, punctuation: I think you could do with changing some of the commas to periods, as it is currently just one sentence. If it were my work, I would probably have a period after snow, and after fell.

To sum up, I enjoyed the poem, but felt that it fell down a little in the middle.

I am reminded of a dormouse. Such a small little thing. A baby. His breath is small; his lungs two little pockets of life--that shrivel up and are empty. This made me very sad. What a poor mouse.

Dear Pocket,

EccenticRose is here to review your work! =)

My favorite part was the first three lines. The first line made me want to hold my breath like, "Oh no, what collapsed?" You captured my full attention right away. The descriptions of how it fell, was very good!

Something I noticed, which isn't even a very big deal....is if you could put the title at the top of it all. It just seems to add that extra bit of color to a poem....but it's up to you. =)

The other thing is I think it would sound more descriptive if you found another word for small. You used the word four times, I think, in only a few lines. It would probably add more mystery if you replaced the word 'small' sometimes.

Suggestions for 'small':
'Tiny' throat
'quiet' breath
'little' teeth

These are just a few suggestions and you don't have to listen to a word I say. I hope it helped though!

You have great potential! Thanks for posting.

~Rose

Excellent Poem! It actually reminds me of erosion. Its like everything is falling down in a dramatic way. But I can see why everything fell. All the weight was being held up by a grains of sand. It was full of earth shaking amazment, I can tell you that! One thing you could change though is add captial letters. Overall, it was pretty amazing plot! I look foward to reading more of your stories.