we don’t have to be special, y’know, we could be
monday afternoons, without the rush hour.
I finished another book last night. this one was about tigers
and lifeboats and religion, this boy who thought he was a man
who thought he was a mouse who reared up on two legs
and became something else altogether.
they made it into a movie, but I don’t want to watch it;
there’s too much desperation clinging to the spike of that book,
and it would mean so little to see it traced out
into CGI musculature.
some things need to stay feral, untouched,
slathering at the mouth and stranded.
sometimes I flick on the television
for company; I have an old set, one with a scratchy metal face
and warbling voices, like an interrupted war of the worlds broadcast
were playing, but even if the world were ending, I don’t think I’d watch.
it’s just there to murmur in the background.
my living room curtains remain drawn,
and the lights stay off, and it feels as if it were submerged
in an ocean, or an aquarium, muffled
and dank and it kind of feels like my entire house is drowning
with me in it.
and sometimes that’s what waking up feels like,
pressing my hands up to glass and having the world feel too watery to look through,
morning light reflecting onto the bare wall across from my bed,
climbing from bed into another day.
I can hear the murmurs from the streets, just barely,
the city opening its eyes and rubbing at its face just as I am,
and I shut the windows tighter and
turn on the tv and it is monday morning
and the world could be ending but I wouldn’t care to know.
First off let me say your flow is absolutely spot on. There was only one line out of the entire thing that didn't quite fit:
"and cold nights spelled out into CGI and drawn out musculature"
I don't like how that last word doesn't quite fit into the previous and following rhythm. I'd suggest a minor change to fix that. I use a thesaurus.
Just wanted to throw in there, your grammar is excellent and spot on.
I also wanted to say that I don't understand how the first stanza fits into everything other than it having Monday morning. I think that the poem works really well without it.
Normally, I'm not a huge fan of the entire uncapitalized style, but here it works really well. (That's a very rare statement coming from me!)
Good luck and keep writing, I hope to see more of your work.
~Kay
Ok to start the title needs to be capitalized. The only thing in this poem that there's no punctuation and capitalization. Other than that its a great poem and I liked it a lot
. I hope you write more soon
~MindBlown
stop
This is a pretty accurate description of how it feels when I read. good job. I really like the part with the television and how your house is drowning when you turn it on. I found it really descriptive and visual. I really liked it, even if I was confused at what caused you to write it.
You could improve it by being a little clearer, but that's only if you wanted to really express what the story was about.
Hello Persy, Pumpkincat here with your review of "a carnivorous island". First off I really liked this poem it kinda had a home comfort to it. I can really relate to it like when it sounds like its drowning. Sometimes I myself, turn on my TV and sleep in my living room listening to the background noise and its comforting. Okay by the way your spelling of the title is misspelled I just want to point that out. I can tell that you have your own creative writing style by using words like: y'know. Very good poem I like it 9/10 ~PumpkinCat