there are promises lining the curvature of my body;
I wanted to be a pilot when I was young,
a textbook of equations and calm voices and direction,
I wanted to travel and see and get lost inside myself because I’ve found
that walking down an alleyway in the deepest parts of night
brings out this nervous, strong part of myself
that lives under my ribs, too scared and startled
to live outside my skin.
I was told I could be an angel and a student of God,
I was a prodigy, an installment of art
walked and talked and broke bread open with grace.
it was years before I learned that I did not have the capability to fly
or talk to God, months ago
I found that I do not need to be perfect or beautiful or intelligent
and that sometimes I asked too much of people but
sometimes I wish I could disappear into the walls,
into books where I am only a promise of a plot,
maybe a sad ending and sometimes I wish that
when the floorboards creaked, it was all that was left of my speech
because I am so, so tired of hearing myself,
tired of having to seek out alleyways and being told
that I can pilot planes or draw galaxies when
I already know that I would fly straight into the sun,
collapse stars into themselves, only promise myself
a sad ending where something becomes nothing
and nothing remains.
I really enjoyed reading this piece. I thought the story you were telling was very original. The cadence was nice and nothing seemed off about the grammar. Even though it was told n a very poetic format it had a lot of story telling packed into it, so I will review it more like a story than a poem. Now for my critiques. Lets do a stanza by stanza review, shall we?
"there are promises lining the curvature of my body;
I wanted to be a pilot when I was young,
a textbook of equations and calm voices and direction,
I wanted to travel and see and get lost inside myself because I’ve found
that walking down an alleyway in the deepest parts of night
brings out this nervous, strong part of myself
that lives under my ribs, too scared and startled
to live outside my skin."
This is may favorite stanza. The descriptors are nice and it paints a very clear picture of who our protagonist is. Well done.
"I was told I could be an angel and a student of God,
I was a prodigy, an installment of art
walked and talked and broke bread open with grace.
it was years before I learned that I did not have the capability to fly
or talk to God, months ago
I found that I do not need to be perfect or beautiful or intelligent
and that sometimes I asked too much of people but"
I really like this stanza, but I wish it was expanded upon. This stanza raises questions that are not answered in the rest of the poem. Is our protagonist a religious person? Any religion in particular? What is the connection between wanting to be a pilot and god? I wish there was more about the protagonist's relationship with god, as I feel it could make for some beautiful poetry.
"sometimes I wish I could disappear into the walls,
into books where I am only a promise of a plot,
maybe a sad ending and sometimes I wish that
when the floorboards creaked, it was all that was left of my speech
because I am so, so tired of hearing myself,
tired of having to seek out alleyways and being told
that I can pilot planes or draw galaxies when
I already know that I would fly straight into the sun,
collapse stars into themselves, only promise myself
a sad ending where something becomes nothing
and nothing remains."
This is a lovely concluding stanza! In poetry, I believe, the ending is paramount, so for having a good conclusion, I commend you.
This is a really beautiful poem that I thoroughly enjoyed reading. Keep up the good work!
This is beautifully done, Persy. Like always, there is such a unique air to your poetry. I can't help but enter, and it so breathable.
The middle stanza doesn't feel well enough integrated but perhaps it doesn't have to be.
Yearning, honest, rhythmic, mature. Mixed message perhaps? Still love it. Look forward to stumbling on your next.
Nia ♥
This is beautiful and I think it's very good. It has that sense of tone and structure which I think you've been playing more with recently. You're skilled at the first person confessional, and it really comes to the forefront here. You've slimmed your style to a lot of bare necessity, avoiding the more lucrative images for ones which hit hard and fast and move along. I like the content and the intent behind it, I think you say a lot here and you move the story along very well, the pacing is right.
You lose me here;
"it was years before I learned that I did not have the capability to fly,
or talk to God, months ago I found that I did not have the responsibility
to be perfect or beautiful or intelligent"
There's something jarring here, it's too... listy? The entire poem is a little listing for me, but here there's this real sense of... monotone about it which isn't what you have otherwise. I don't like the responsibility, i think. The listing becomes a problem only when I notice it, which is there and "nervous" in the first stanza, otherwise it is part of the style of poem and is completely unavoidably natural.
I want to suggest a shorter title, but I am a fiend for short titles, Icarus is what I might suggest, but I like the frank honesty of the title you've picked, it does fit the blank verse you have here. There's a suggestion of stripping back to the stark reality, a reflection on the content rather than covering it up.
You're developing your poetry really well, and I like the direction you've been going in recently, you're growing in skill and intent, I think. Thank you so much for posting this and letting me read it. I appreciate good poetry so much and I love reading yours.
♥
Wow, this is so beautiful. I love love love the story you're telling here, and I feel like a lot of people could relate to it. You have a really stellar word choice and I can imagine all of the scenes you've written about. Maybe, in the future, you could try writing something with a more set rhyme scheme but other than that this piece was perfect. Please keep writing, I would love to see more poetry from you! <3