lethargy

This was. . . Interesting. Not in a not good way, but I felt like this was a product of a slightly inquisitive-and imaginative mindset. I do have one comment to make though. The line about the hand rolled cigarette seems out of place. Also it seems slighly inconsistent. Those are the only issues though. Otherwise this was an interesting pleasure to read.

I like this poem. It shows the pain and longing for something past the life style, while still showing the life style. It's not pretty, it's not demanding, it just is, which is one of the points in this poem that I really like. This isn't so general as it is talking about realistic things, a realistic life where your speaker is in a situation they want to get out of, but they are unable to take the first step, and really the first step is the biggest. Having Frank pout so much, that it's indicative of his face, really draws out his character and shows that he's not happy, and neither will she be, living with someone who is chronically sad.

For me, I think having empty in the second stanza twice is something I'd take a look at personally, just to see if I could change it. It does drive home the point that there's nothing for her, there's no sustenance for them physically, mentally, or emotionally, but it would do that just as well with a synonym for empty too. Personally, I like stale noises more than I like a refrigerator humming. Humming always reminds me of homely things, like that strange uncle who sings everywhere, or the old man who can't stop making noises. For me, it's silence that really kills a house. In this case, it's the same, repetitive drone that never ends, and never will until the power goes out, that is killing the home. It's the same monotonous day over and over.

Regardless, I really love that the pizza man has come over so frequently seeing her crying, that he doesn't even bother asking any more. You set up repetition really well through just a few short lines and I feel like I understand what this place looks like.
As always, you amaze me.
-Aley

Hi there Persy!

You've gotten a lot of comments on this piece already, and I don't really have a lot to say, as this is pretty fabulous. However, I do have one small comment, and it's on...you guessed it, the fourth stanza. Specifically, this line.

pouty lips curling around his hand-rolled cigarette

This poem was truly a piece of art.
I am slightly curious as to the second to last stanza.

and Frank is smoking outside again,
pouty lips curling around his hand-rolled cigarette
like a word he says too much.

I love when I run into something of yours! You are one of my most favorite poets of all time and I truly mean this! I know that you write much better then me, at-least you have grasped this type of writing better than me so the review will consist of how I read the poem and my general impressions of it as an average reader and I will not associate poetic terms and offer suggestions to help improve your writing- because I believe my assumptions would be for to little purpose and even misleading. With that said take this review lightly and use it to collect impressions of a reader, if that makes sense.

With that I will start on line two, which, "order-in" food sort-of stopped the flow of the poem because the dash seemed to halt it for a quick second. It seems too stop the flow suddenly but nothing that would make or break the poem or the specific line. Normally I see stops and it seems to add to the flow but with the tone of the writing I don't believe it did so.

I find it hard to associate "stale" noises with an empty refrigerator. Although, I do imagine the refrigerator noise so it is such a good line- adds realism and imagery. Also, humming is such a good word for it! It just helps the image just the same!

The 3rd stanza could defiantly be expanded on to make it more real, although, adding more might distract from the original theme so I'm not sure. The pizza man just didn't seem to real and popping out like the refrigerator.

Now I do love the forth stanza but I am sorry to say that is does seem a tad bit disorganized with three lines. If I know you correctly, it would be better for you to focus clearly on content but if you are ever rewriting this I would hope you try to refrain from the three lined stanza. Anyways, curling is another amazing work to use in this context, I get an image just thinking about it! The "hand-rolled" part does not seem to stifle the flow any like the "order-in" from the first stanza so that is good! I like the 3rd line in the stanza, it is hard to imaging something so simple being compared yet it makes the reader stop and think- if only for a second.

And lastly, the last stanza made the entire poem because without it the whole concept would be gone. I love it! Simply because there is so much feeling and so much content in two of the smallest lines of the whole poem!


I hope this could help you reach your audience a little better, with just one measly perspective of a great piece of writing. You are an inspiration and I would be happy if I helped you even the slightest in your writing.

Thank you for writing!

Your Hero,
ImHero

Hello, Persy! This is RedApril29th.
The poem is very nice but I've picked out one flaw with it. The line, "pouty lips curling around his hand-rolled cigarette" seems to be too long. It doesn't fit in with the rest and completely throws it off.
The poem gives way to a lot of imagination, so many possibilities that you could speaking about, which will make it relatable to many different people in many different situations. To me, I assumed that Frank is a womans husband, and the woman speaking in the poem is the wife of an abuser. She seems like she wants to leave but feels afraid and trapped by him. I like it, with a bit of editing, it'll be perfect.

O my gooshness, this is exactly how I feel sometimes. Like you're trapped in a never ending circle of eating and sleeping that gets so lethargic it's painful.You did a great job of capturing the essence of this poem. My favorite line was: like a word he said too much. It made the reader see how much you really wished to escape not just the circumstance, but the people too. Great Job, I didn't find any mistakes, except lack of capitalization...which is just an artistic choice and completely okay (especially since you capitalized the I's.) I myself am one of those people who have a habit of capitalizing the first letter of every line. Other than it being a little short it was a job well done. Hope to see more!!

This is my first review, so please bare with me.

I can relate to feeling bored and not being able to escape. Your word choice was careful and excellent in describing the droan of daily life and how it makes you feel trapped. The imagery was simplistic but powerful.

Since you should generally treat poetry like sentences, i see some capitalization issues. However, I understand if it's your style- some people even capitalize every first letter of every line.

I can sense the emotion gone into this poem, and despite some structural issues, is very well done in capturing the essence of lethargy.