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I'm a dust bunnyy

by Button




my bones crease and fold
into familiar roadways and
I find myself tracing the same
infinities into my skin when I can't sleep,
like if I'm so lonely in the dark maybe I can find a ghost
of someone else there and
I have become
stagnant in not sleeping, in not eating or sleeping
or caring, like the old pond in my backyard that filled up with
scum and slime and great big bloated frogs,
stagnant, stagnant, stagnant;

my bones crease and fold
like old papers strewn across my floor; I stopped picking them up
after the fifth stanza crossed my mind,
stopped noticing as the words numbed themselves
in my fingers and toes and wrists, the delicate parts of me
and they faded away into stagnancy too;

sometimes, late at night,
I think I can feel my bones eroding,
refusing to move
when I shift my weight,
turning to dust, and it simply feels
natural.



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827 Reviews


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Reviews: 827

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Fri Feb 08, 2013 11:06 pm
Morrigan wrote a review...



Hi there, Persy.

I am so glad that you posted this. Your poetry always makes my day better. It's so beautiful.

Let me first address the title.
If I had not looked at the author of this poem, I would have bypassed it. I know it's supposed to be humorous, but it really does nothing for the poem, and only makes it sound childish and aggravating. Which this poem is not.
Please, I beg of you, find a new title for this lovely poem.

into familiar roadways and

of someone else there and

or caring, like the old pond in my backyard that filled up with

With all three lines above, move the last word to the beginning of the following line. The way you have it now makes me pause in odd spots. It feels a little jerky.

like if I'm so lonely in the dark maybe I can find a ghost

The like at the beginning of the line made me say (out loud) "Ack!" My roommate looked at me funny. If you use "as," a softer sound with the same meaning, you'll be golden. Or use a metaphor. But if you're attached to simile, "as" is the way to go.

of someone else there and

Apart from the odd pause at the end (which I've already addressed), "there" is bothering me. Are you looking for the ghost where you actually are? Or are you looking for the ghost in your skin, where you traced infinities? I suggest being more specific about where "there" is. It made me think of saying "of someone else between the layers of my skin and my hope." I don't know why. But my brain filled it in like that. Just thought I'd let you know my thoughts about that.
But I digress.

great big bloated frogs

"Great big" isn't doing it for me. Bullfrogs are big, yes? So if you said "scum and slime and bloated bullfrogs," the meaning wouldn't be all that different (bonus: you get to keep the alliteration in there).

in my fingers and toes and wrists, the delicate parts of me
and they faded away into stagnancy too;

I suggest ending the first line as a sentence, and starting a new one with the second. It feels a little run-on-y right now, and if you did that, it would feel much fresher.

This poem is filled with your beautiful, impossible thoughts. I love your writing. I hope this review was helpful to you. Happy poeting!




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Fri Feb 08, 2013 11:11 am
PenguinAttack wrote a review...



Hey Niagini!

So firstly, I like this. I like what you're saying and how you're saying it, I'm often impressed and liking your poetry, so that's always a good start. Your first stanza is what is letting you down here. The second stanza is basically perfect for me. You might want to consider shifting that "I stopped picking them up" to it's own line for the sake of the look of the poem, but it's not something I'm particularly concerned by. Your final stanza is solid, I don't really like "simply" here, it feels superfluous but I might be nitpicking a bit far with that one.

my bones crease and fold
into familiar roadways and < this and gets to me, lose it or move it to the next line, it stands out here and you don%u2019t want it to, it gets in the way of reading the lines.
I find myself tracing the same
infinities into my skin when I can't sleep, < this line is a bit too linear or something, it feels flat. I love what it is saying but it just isn't picking up like it needs to.
like if I'm so lonely in the dark maybe I can find a ghost < No similie, no. It%u2019s not working for you, maybe full stop the previous line and make this a %u201CIf%u201D because the like just looks terrible here.
of someone else there and < or full stop here because ew and again. I have become one of those people who disagrees with random prepositions I think? Maybe that%u2019s why I%u2019m being so pedantic here.
I have become
stagnant in not sleeping, in not eating or sleeping < Move the stagnant up, you%u2019ll get better rhythm and the previous line doesn't need to look so stark.
or caring, like the old pond in my backyard that filled up with < I%u2019d only suggest removing %u201Cup%u201D here because I don%u2019t think it%u2019s needed.
scum and slime and great big bloated frogs,
stagnant, stagnant, stagnant;


This isn't as good as the last poem I read from you and that's basically purely this first stanza, it lets you down even though it has such deliciously amazing imagery. I can't tell you how much I love the idea of tracing the marks of bones into the skin while trying to sleep. It's perfect as an image of tired, aimless desperation and I want to eat it up. I know your title is a funneh title though I don't think it does anything to alleviate what is clearly a dark poem. A beautiful but dark poem. Also the repetition of stagnant very much works for me.

Always thank you for posting, this is good. This is interesting and says things and has your style and tone in it and it's lovely.

~ Pen




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Fri Feb 08, 2013 11:07 am
noninjaes wrote a review...



Hallo Persy! Another review from the local ninja here for you today! :D

Before I get into the nitty gritty, is the extension of "bunny" in the title on purpose / really necessary. It makes the poem see overly amateur at first glance.

Anyway, to start things off:

my bones crease and fold
into familiar roadways and
I find myself tracing the same
infinities into my skin when I can't sleep,

Bonus points for starting this poem with these amazing lines. The imagery created by these lines are joust so ohmaigosh. I usually don't resort to such non-standard terms, but the English language lacks anything else to describe it.

Unfortunately, this poem isn't all gold. The fifth line of the poem breaks that wonderful flow that you introduced in those first four lines. For one, "like" at first glance made me think of a teenager saying like between every second or so word. "As" would just as easily replace it to help clean up the line. I also recommend putting a comma after "dark" and putting the rest of that line on a new line.

stagnant in not sleeping, in not eating or sleeping

is another one of those gems in this first stanza. Things like this certainly show your rough talent for poetry. The repetition of "stagnate" on the final line of this stanza was also certainly well played out. It made the right amount of emphasis at the right time.

I must cut in and say that overall, this poem contains plenty of wonderful imagery that you should certainly be congratulated for. As for my only nitpick for the second stanza, possibly try putting "I stopped picking them up" on a new line. Even though this stanza is just a wonderful as the first, I feel that that minor change could make it even better. The continuation of the theme of stagnancy was also a good move to make in this poem.

The final stanza made for a nice conclusion to this poem. Once again, imagery is awesome. One thing that I especially like about this stanza is how it smoothly links the title to the content of the poem. This last stanza is certainly my favourite, namely the last two lines.

I would have liked to add more, but I'm in a bit of a rush, and in all honesty, there isn't too much to critique. Most of it's all very good. You may think it sucks, but I don't. Extra kudos for you for this, and as always, keep writing!
- noninjaspresent >(> ==)>*





Irresponsibly-conceived assignments don't deserve responsibly-executed complies.
— Persistence