i.
White-washed walls and
Berber carpet offer
no repeals to my pleas.
I have become just a
tearstain on the world.
I have nothing more to be.
ii.
you gave me up first, but
perhaps I accepted it too soon.
Red-rimmed eyes replay
memories of us before
single-handedly turning this tub
into a brackish body of water
which you just sailed right out of.
iii.
I never got the chance
to preserve the contours of
your face in graphite tears,
to trap you between pages of sketch paper.
iv.
Half-written poems haunt these pages
like lost souls in washed-out bars.
They will never be complete, they belong
to you alone.
This book is a graveyard of memories.
v.
I look back on us sometimes, through lenses fogged
with remembrance of those last days; sad-eyed, wary me
doesn’t make the memory.
What did was your distance, your furtive stares everywhere
but towards me.
vi.
if you kissed my cheeks now,
all you would taste is salt
but, you won’t kiss my cheeks again
so I guess that’s beyond the point
vii.
give me a moment, please
to let this sink in
it all seems so new and wrong
give me a lifetime, please
to forget the way we touch-
it will still be on my mind
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137,690 Literary Works • 672,059 Reviews
aer123 for a review of your work!
It is very, very romantic, descriptive and makes you long for that someone you once loved....
Cleverly written I must say! Very good description of the events as they unfold. I almost started to feel inclined to hugging that poor woman! Emotions are brought upon the reader strong and hard without boring or overusing any of the words within it. Its imagery speaks to me, and suggest a walk in the mind of this girl in search of lost love. The 'memory' is very strong indeed!
You deserve a thumbs up for the stunning approach to a sad story!
Hope to see more of your work in the future!
Greetings
aer123
Hello!
I'm going to take this numeral by numeral. ^_^
i:
Okay, so I didn't know what berber carpet is, so I looked it up. The room I'm in now has it. XD Thanks for introducing me to a new word. I also enjoy using the word "white-washed." However, I feel like these two images do not fit together well. In my experience, whitewash has been used in by poor people in the past. Or on like, a barn or something in modern times. Berber however, I understand from wikipedia is either a modern carpet or a decirative rug from africa. Neither of these fits with the old, poor image of white-wash. If you're modern or rich enough (you don't need both, you just need one) to have a berber rug/carpet, you probably don't have whitewashed walls. Of course, if you're going for this opposition, that's great, and I applaud you. But if you just mean a white wall... maybe you wanna just say that. XD
I'm also not sure how a wall or carpet conceivably could offer repeals to pleas. I'm also not sure how anything could repeal a plea. Repeal means to annul or revoke, and I'm not sure how that applies to a plea.
I love the second stanza of this part, especially the idea of a tearstain.
ii.
I really like this stanza, and I have hardly anything to say. I'm just not sure what tub you're talking about. The tub of the relationship? I'm just not sure. And I feel like turning a physical tub into water is a bit of a strange metaphor. Maybe the water in the tub would be changed into the brackish water, but not the solid tub itself.
iii.
Gah! That one is just so beautiful. I can't even.
I'm not sure how "graphite tears" relates to this. It's a cool image, but when I draw, nothing about the physical drawing process reminds me of tears unless you somehow shade with a tear shape or something...
iv.
"washed-out" makes the bars sound like a clean place. Clean has a good connotation. I don't really know if you wanted to have a good connotation there. Except I just googled the term and apparently it works just fine. But the idea the reader might be confused there could help you.
I absolutely love the rest of this stanza.
v.
"doesn’t make the memory." That particular line confuses me. I just don't quite know how it fits.
"What did was your distance" I didn't understand that right away, but after puzzling about it, I got it. It just reads a bit different. Maybe you want to restructure this part of the poem a bit?
The rest of this was okay. It wasn't my favorite stanza, but there wasn't anything wrong with it.
vi.
I really liked this. Since you had punctuation through this poem, maybe you want a period on the end of this stanza? (and the last stanza?)
vii.
I don't think this ended as strong as you could have, but I liked it. Actually I read it over again like three times, and it now strikes me as a very strong way to end, now that I have really pondered it. But the amazing-ness of it is hid by it's subtlety, which is perhaps the best part about it.
I loved this! And all together it worked very well as a poem.
Good job, Keep writing!
~fortis
Hey there Kat here to write a nice review for you and Tea Reviewlution on review day!
*sighs* a long poem, really? Okay let me judge you and your writing muhahaha
Sorry intimidating! Honestly girl... I want to cry. It's so sad and so beautiful the way the pain is described I relate so well. I just went through parent forced break up, those hurt the worst because you still love the guy. The last stanza... just beautiful It's how people who loved someone feel hopeless confused. just wanting to forget but unable because they loved that person and in a way they will never want to forget and never can. One you give someone your heart, they always have a place there. I feel like this poem was lots of little snippets. The girl broke up with the guy and every so often drew him and wrote these tid-bits and just strung them together. yet they flow so naturally. At first I had no clue what you were saying and I was like oh please no not another long confusing poem! But as the writing progressed I realized what was happening and it all became so painfully vivid that I loved it and felt for the character. The hurt betrayal and love are all here without being to overbearing . Flow was nice and rhyme isn't needed with how you executed this poem. Good job and don't ever stop writing because you have an unusual style and are very talented. Thanks and keep it up!
~Kat
Wow, just wow. I enjoyed reading this so much. I'm not going to quote a specific part that I liked because I loved all of it. =)
Keep up the GREAT work!
Just wondering, Wimpwriting, do you know how to get an avatar? If not, I can show you. If you're new here, welcome to YWS!
Thanks so much!