Chapter 4
~1025 words
Fleta met them on the cliffs, her hair flowing with the wind. “When and where should we start again,” she asked Shep.
“I haven’t thought much about it yet, but I’m thinking perhaps somewhere north?”
Fleta wrinkled her nose, “Couldn’t we try somewhere closer? And less hot and buggy too?”
“We’ve been dodging the North for a while now. If we truly want to succeed, we have to look everywhere. You don’t think she put them all in one place for our convenience, do you?”
“Of course not.” Fleta looked out to the ocean, some kind of storm brewing in her eyes.
“If I may interrupt,” Jay said, clearing his throat, “What are you talking about?
Jay turned to face him, “Oh yes. That’s right. Let me tell you a story that should explain it all:
“Once upon a time, not too long ago, there was a castle full of arrogant people who had no right to be arrogant. Their castle was falling apart, their kingdom was in disarray, and they bickered constantly. They hardly cared at all for their subjects, and they didn’t take any caution about what they said. They weren’t the most… pleasant people to be around. One day, they were joking about a certain lady that was staying in their castle for the time. They didn’t know she was a sorceress. She had overheard them speaking filth about her, and in her rage, she turned them all into sheep.”
“Sheep?” Jay was incredulous. “Why in the world would you turn people into sheep when you could turn them into puffs of smoke and scatter them on the breeze?”
Shep looked pained. “Why indeed,” he mused.
Fleta glanced down at him sharply, “aren’t you going to-”
“No!” Shep cut her off. Fleta flinched. “No,” he said, a little gentler, “I am not.”
“What?” Jay asked, looking between the two.
“Oh nothing. But that’s what we’re doing, Jay, we’re off on a mission to find these sheep,” said Shep.
“Have you found any yet?”
“Have I found any? Why, look around you!” Shep gestured to the grass on the cliff that was trying to grow in such rocky conditions.
“I guess not,” said Jay.
“Are you mad, man? They’re right there!”
Jay still saw nothing. “No… but perhaps you are.”
Shep sighed. His face was etched in stone that had weathered a million storms. “That’s what they all seem to think. I guess you can’t see them either. It doesn’t surprise me. Few people can. I assumed that since you were from a different world, you might be one who could. Here, look at me.”
Jay turned away from staring at the ground to face Shep, who immediately flung a red powder into Jay’s eyes. “Ow! What was that for?” Jay rubbed his eyes with his balled fists. He felt a slight stinging sensation, and when he opened his eyes, everything seemed too bright. Too bright and… fluffy. There were four sheep wandering around near Shep. “What the- Those sheep were not there a minute ago!”
“Of course they were, you just didn’t see them.” Shep looked indignant.
Jay looked closer at the sheep. They were a light brownish color, probably from the dirt they had picked up with their thick wool during their travels. “So these are those people from the castle?”
“Yes. And they do need a bit of sheering.” Shep looked a bit embarrassed about the state of the sheep.
“Who are they? I mean, which one is the king and such?”
“Well, we haven’t found the kind yet. The one that’s rather small and yellowish looking there,” Shep pointed to a sheep, “That’s the younger prince. I’ve taken to calling him Tart. He’s got a nasty attitude, that one.” The sheep had been looking at Shep, and bleated like he was offended by what he had said.
Jay was surprised at this reaction. “Can they understand us?”
“I think so. Somewhere down in their ovine brains, they’re hearing everything I say. The one with the black spot on its nose is Wolfie. He was the court jester. He’s a goof.” The sheep in question was blithely chewing on some yellow flowers, a glazed look in his eye. Jay thought “Wolfie” was a rather odd name for a sheep. “The other smallish one is the princess. Her name is Lana. And the largest one is the queen, Vea.”
“I’m not going to be quizzed on these names, am I?” Jay asked, only half joking.
Shep chortled, “Of course not. You can call them whatever you want. Those aren’t their real names anyway.”
“Good. So what’s the plan? How many more do you have to find? Sounds like this might take years if you have to find an entire court-full of sheep.”
Shep stiffened. “We only have to find seven, but it still might take us years: they’re well-hidden in places surrounded by magic. Once we get the seven, when we return to the castle, the sorceress will lift the enchantment and the whole castle will be restored. The other people in the court are being held in a suspended state. If you were to walk into the castle right now, you would see some very life-like statues performing various duties,” Shep took on the same stone look as he had before, “and if I never find the remaining sheep, they may never be restored.”
“Why are you so interested in this castle and its people?”
Shep looked older than the sky itself, “who else will save them if I don’t?” Shep abruptly turned his back and walked away a few yards.
Jay had forgotten Fleta was there, but she looked at him now with a strange intensity. “What?” he asked felling foolish.
“You’re ready to help us? It will not be easy. It’s been a struggle to find even four sheep, and the remaining three should be even harder.”
“Yes I’m ready,” said his mouth, but Jay’s head wasn’t so sure. “Who are the court members that are left anyway?”
“The gardener, the cook, and,” Fleta turned her gaze toward Shep who was patting one of the sheep, “the king.”
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,785 Reviews
Wow. This is getting *really* good at this point. Work on minor grammar-and-capitalization matters, and this will be practically perfect.
What I liked in more detail:
-The plot! It's very original. Be prepared for people to think it's contrived, though; I almost did for a few seconds, lol.
-The fact that the former royalty wasn't all perfect--those characters were flawed and got themselves into the mess.
-The cliffhanger. It keeps the suspense high, but isn't one of those "WHY did it end there?" cliffhangers, if that makes sense.
Hey! FireBird99 here for a review!
Wow...this plot is original! Why have I not thought of an enchantress that turned people into sheep? xD. I want to know why Shep is so interested in restoring this castle to its normal duties. I wonder maybe someone he loved got frozen in time? Or something entirely different? I can`t wait to know this mystery. The mystery of the crazy Shep.
One more thing I`m curious about is Fleta. Who is she? How does she know Shep? Could she possibly be his daughter or maybe niece? I can`t wait to know!
~Things that could be fixed-
Here you said Jay turned to face Jay. I think you meant Shep
I honestly found no other mistakes that people haven't already said. I guess that's what happens when someone gets good reviewers. All the mistakes are already pointed out and you are left with nothing. =P
Awesome job!
~Fire
But out of curiosity (it comes with the name), why does getting seven sheep mean that the curse will be lifted? After all, the sorceress cursed them, so why would she just choose to reverse it because someone had gathered the sheep for her? I think you should go into a little more detail, and maybe add something like, "She is bound to turn them back into people because of the laws of magic" or "The sorceress said that she would turn them back into humans if someone showed the kindness to search for all of them". I dunno... I'm not very good at writing examples.
Anyway, I really like this! Nice job!
~Curiosity
*goes off to next chapter to read*
Ooh I'd never even thought of that! :O
I should figure that out. I know a place where I can insert that reason later in the book, I'd better figure it out.
Thank you!
Timmy here!
Part four really sees your novel progressing. Not only do we now know some of the history behind this strange place, but we find out what Jay's future may be in this tale. It is quite interesting, and almost humorous, that you chose sheep to be the creature to house these people. And like Noelle, its awfully funny when you mention that one sheep, the younger prince, who retains his human attitude.
Shep is hiding something. Its pretty obvious by his almost irate response to Fleta's question about whatever she was going to ask. He is hiding some big answer to a question Jay does not know to ask. Sometime soon in the future, he will discover that there is something Shep is not telling him, but he seems somewhat satisfied with the current explanations. We will see what happens as I progress deeper into this story.
Compared to your other descriptions, I think this was a little bland. And not just that the description or sentence didn't flow well, but I don't think it matched your style. And besides, I don't think you did the describing of the wind part justice by merely stating that her hair was flowing. I think it would match you more to describe the creaking of the trees, or their moaning. Yusss... That would fit your almost prosish descriptions that you slip in there in such a subtle way.
I think that should be two sentences, rather than one? Perhaps split at the "throat"?
Cut out crossed out word?
Okay. So a few teensy nitpicks on this part. You don't need to capitalize the second part, "Those" can be un-capitalized (erm, that is sooo a word) And I think the surprise you wanted to show didn't quite come across as you hoped with the way you mentioned it. There needs to be a pause before he says the second part, a brief moment where he stares in shock or something. Then the second part. Totally preference, but I hope it helps.
I think that the best thing that could happen to this chapter is some character movement. In your speech taglines, you have a few said's, chortled, asked, etc... but you lack character movement in many parts. When people talk, they don't just stand there in one place, talking with their mouths, but not moving their bodies in response to words or actions by the other people. There are signs, small movements, that can trigger responses in people. Like crossing your arms is like you are protecting yourself, closing yourself off from harm. Putting your head in your hands signifies frustration. They can walk around, smell in the air--anything. But just keep in mind that when your character talks, he moves just like we do in conversations.
This is definitely the most informative chapter yet, and I would call that a very good thing. Not only did it dispel a lot of this confusion I had and expectancy of knowing where he is and what the plot was centered on, but now I can stop guessing and start focusing on the story. More so of the character, and let the plot deal with itself.
Jay seems to be developing quite well. I like his confusion, his amazement, his shock. Everything ties together so well, creating a fully-fleshed character. I enjoy reading a book and not just receiving a narrative of the story, but also being allowed into the inner circles of the character's mind. The character's heart. When the writer allows me to do that, I can truly appreciate the character and his situation, because I know how he feels. And you captured that impression for me just perfectly. Thank you for that.
Jay, Jay, Jay. Why not turn them into sheep? Incinerating people is so a thing of the past! You need to look towards the future, and kewler ways of torturing people. Having to eat grass, green food for so long. Ewww.... That sounds more painful than being turned into puffs of smoke.
Loving this so far! I will keep going.
~Darth Timmyjake
Hi there! Noelle back for another Review Day review!
I love this part. It made me laugh! I think it's cool that these sheep still retain the personalities of the humans that they used to be. It makes me believe the whole, people turned into sheep thing more.
Ah, so now we've gotten to the real problem of the story. Before this, I feel like we were all just plodding along, finding out way through this world. But now everyone has a purpose. Shep seems more like an actual person -- for lack of a better term -- than just a creepy man who took Jay along with him through the world. Now I see what's he's been doing all this time and why he kept talking about the sheep. It all makes sense!
Now, what exactly was that red stuff that Shep threw in Jay's face? That's not really explained. I know that Jay wouldn't know what it was so we don't know, but wouldn't he be curious? Wouldn't he want to know? Maybe adding in a short conversation between Jay and Shep discussing what the red powder is and why he used it. Just a little something to cue the readers into what is going on. You don't have to give away all your secrets, but it would be nice to know some of them
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Ya know what? Just to be back asswards. I decided it might be even more suspenseful to read this from back to front. So from 5 now to 4.
LOL Okay, this is fabulous. I'm overjoyed and a little overwhelmed by it's greatness! Oh by the way, are these lambs, and this "Shep"-herd paralleling...something?
Ah. so I see something else is back asswards as well. The North. “Couldn’t we try somewhere closer? And less hot and buggy too?”
Why not scatter them as puffs of smoke in the breeze? - hahahaha brilliant!
"Shep looked pained. “Why indeed,” he mused." I obviously missed out on something important reading backwards. Even cooler! I'm in the same boat as Jay!
It would be more potent if you broke "Jay turned away from staring at the ground to face Shep, who immediately flung a red powder into Jay’s eyes" into two sentences where that comma is. I think.
hehehe "Shep looked a bit embarrassed about the state of the sheep." Who gets embarrassed about the state of sheep? I know they are people, somewhere inside, but that's good comedy there!
"found the kind yet." - you meant king instead of kind, right?
"The sheep had been looking at Shep, and bleated like he was offended by what he had said." - hahahahaha It seems I have found comedy central. I can see that lambs mad wittle face. xDDDDDDDDDD
Yay! I know a new word! Ovine. and now that I know what it means I can congratulate you on your cleverness when you said, "ovine brains,"
"asked felling (feeling) foolish." - typo
The gardner the cook and the king has a certain ring to it, donchya think?
This should probably be Fleta or Shep turning to face him, as the way you have it now makes it look like Jay's responding to his own question.
I like Shep's story. Very Shep:)
Shearing, not sheering. Sheer is an adjective used to describe a precipitous face such as a sheer cliff, whereas shear is the verb that basically means to shave.
This blend is awkward. I suggest instead of a comma, a period.
I do still wonder who Shep and Fleta are, to be undertaking this quest, but I suppose we'll find out later.
Woah, great chapter; I'm really excited about this story now! And there's a sheep named Wolfie!!! How sweet of you to name him after me!!! Haha I'm just kidding... But seriously, this book is really catching on. But, *sigh* I have to wait for the next chapter this time… Oh well just try to write it quickly, ok? Great job!
I'm back! Yes, yes, I know I'm not being as prompt as usual.
Now then, my nitpicks: “What?” he asked felling foolish.
“When and where should we start again?” she asked Shep.
“Well, we haven’t found the king yet."
Alrighty, that takes care of that. Next, I have a little grammar tidbit for you. When a character has an action before they speak, and it's in the same paragraph, use a period instead of a comma. i.e: Fleta wrinkled her nose. “Couldn’t we try...
Anyway, there seems to be a lot of standing around. I feel like the characters should be moving around more as they talk. Personally, I would have made it so they were already travelling, and Jay sort of got pulled into it, just so that there would be more action and scenery to describe. And it helps to balance the amount of dialogue.
Other than that... the whole thing was pretty swell. I love the figurative language, and I noticed that you used a lot of it. (Or was that just because of the week 4 challenge?)
My only complaint is the lack of action! Let's see a fight soon, please? (Just kidding, I know you're putting effort into setting up the story.)
Well, that's it from me.
Ciao, and good luck with the contest!
Yes, I was thinking much of the same things you were.